Am I in the right Forum?

[Notlikingthis]

kml you are soooo funny. I think that's what I've needed, laughter. Your idea of a new hair style and color is brilliant. Haven't done that for a few years. What's even better is that the night before he left he told me that he like my hair the way I was wearing and that it looked good. (So you like my hair the way it is....I think I'll change it attitude.) If I end up picking him up he will know that this woman that he married so long ago is up to no good! I'm going to dress (as MrB put it) in a way that he won't know what hit him....from the inside out! LOL! Yep, good idea to drop him off, reapply the lipstick as he's getting his bag out of the car and tell him not to wait up for me.

So what do I do if he tells me that he's sorry for leaving me behind yada, yada? Nah, that'll never happen. Not yet anyway. I think he has childhood issues to deal with. After reading some of the threads that Cadet sent to me, I realize that. One in particular struck me. The one that Snodderly wrote on why they leave, I believe. She talked about childhood abuse etc. He comes from a family that is extremely conservative with a mother who is very snobbish and controling and a father who is a quiet but sometimes verbally abusive man. He lost one of his brothers during his teen years. My MIL never recovered from it and H says that she had a nervous breakdown. They had two more kids and he ended up having to take care of them because my MIL ignored them. They also disowned 2 of their daughters many, many years ago over the choice they made in a husband. The other 3 kids (including my H) went on to what seemed to be happily adjusted adults. I suspect his past is finally catching up to him. I understand that he has to deal with it in his own way. First he will have to admit that there is a problem. I don't see that happening very easily for him. I pray that he doesn't go into full blown MLC or depression. After reading so many of the stories on the board, I don't know how I would handle 2,3,4,5 years of this.

[Cadet]

After reading so many of the stories on the board, I don't know how I would handle 2,3,4,5 years of this.

One day at a time.

Sometimes one hour or minute at a time.

If you want to eat an elephant it is one bite a time.

This is a marathon not a sprint.

[mizjjd]

Notlikingthis,

Sorry you are in this nightmare. I know it has made me question every minute of the last 20 years.

My husband too has many childhood issues to deal with. At 15 his 3 year old nephew drowned and my H's father told him under no circumstances do men cry. There was disownment of my H's sisters, and my H as well from time to time. At 16 my H's parents moved over seas - and didn't even offer to take my H with them. Add to this a couple of failed marriages for my H and the death of his favorite sister 14 years ago - and VOILA! He figures out that what is wrong with him, what is making him so unhappy, is me. Me who has stood by him for 20 years of a little bit of better and a whole lot more of worse.

The whole thing is bewildering, painful and infuriating. I wish you the best as you travel through.

And... how about a mohawk?

[Notlikingthis]

mrsrjd. I just finished reading your thread. Sorry that you are here and living this nightmare as well. It sounds like your H has had just as many tragedies in his life as mine. How can a person's parents not even offer to take their son with them when they move? Where did he go and who did he stay with?

My H says he was ready to leave when he was 16. Hated his parents and couldn't wait to get away from them. Tired of them telling him what to do. Of course at 16 you want to do all of the things that aren't good or safe but it sounds like they were extreme. He's actually said that he's tired of people telling him what to do so that is another sign that he's starting to relive his live and begin his journey at 16 years old he's got a long way to go till he reaches the present.

As for the Mohawk, I think I'll leave that for the someone a little more adventurous. At 50+ I think I'd look like I was the one having the MLC.

Thanks for stopping by. I'll keep an eye on what's happening with you and keep posting here for support and for my sanity.

[Notlikingthis]

Cadet I know that I need to take this one day at a time or as you also suggested one hour or minute at a time. The ups and downs in their behavior have to be the hardest. Or is it their nasty attitude towards the spouse or their depression or any one of a hundred other things that make this so difficult?

I want to grab onto something but it's ever elusive and constantly changing. I recieved a text from H last night long after I went to sleep. It said, "goodnight my love, xoxoxoxoxoxo" Now doesn't that sound like the old H? Yep, but then what will tomorrow bring? No contact, a call saying that he's staying longer or even the, I love you but I'm not in love with you" line? Has anyone ever died from doing this? I would guess not so I'm in it for however long it takes!

[beatrice]

Hi, a sad and messed up childhood are certainly set the scene for a MLC, if you don't deal with the stuff at some point. What is also suggestive of a MLC is that your h has said he is tired of people telling him what to do.

But there are degreees of MLC. My XH is having a particularly mean and long one, and we [I thought] were as happy and devoted couple in our mid fifties as you would find on this planet, so it just goes to show!] But there are people whose spouses have a shorter crisis, and are much less mean and destructive. It is still hard on the spouse. Marriages can and do survive MLC. Perhaps it depends on both the length and severity of the crisis, and of course if they even get through it.

I have grown and changed - I liked the person I was, but I like who I am now more. There are stages for us too, as we navigate the crisis.

[mizjjd]

NotLikingThis,

Thanks for the words of kindness.

I think the move without H was an act of "tough love" on the part of his parents. As I understand the sitch, H was being a rebellious teen and leaving him behind was how his parents "taught him a lesson". I had not realized until recently how close the death of the nephew and the "abandonment" were. Cause and effect?

And boy do I wish that "lesson" had not been learned by H. He stayed with one of his sisters, ended up dropping out of the last year of high school. He has spent this week back home with his parents and this issue was one he wanted to discuss with them. This is from an email he sent to me about those convos

Yes this has been a rough trip so far. Found out things I never knew and also things I did not want to know. Some of which has made things a little worse. But no sense going into them with my parents with their age and health. Best to leave it alone.

Strange thing to watch someone you love, who has hurt you so deeply, hurt as well. I want to simultaneously embrace and run for the hills. He is to return Sunday (still not convinced that's happening..)and I'm queasy just thinking about that.

And yours is a rebel without a clue. Can't we just send these people to their room already!!

Hang in there.

[Notlikingthis]

mrsrjd...Tough love to me doesn't mean leaving a child/teen behind! Tough love is holding them accountable for their behavior but not abandonment. I guess there are situations where you finally just have to let them go but to me it would have to be a pretty extreme situation.

Mine is coming back tomorrow. He told me earlier in the week that he might stay until Sunday. Well funny thing, he actually booked a flight home for Sunday and even booked another night at a hotel near the airport. What he didn't realize is that he booked the flight from HERE to the city is he in right now. HA! I almost fell on the floor laughing when I saw that. Luckily he didn't cancel his original returning flight for Saturday and finally must have noticed his error. Yesterday he cancelled the Sunday flight and sent me a message today. It read something to the effect of, "How would you like to meet me at around 4:15 tomorrow when XYZ flight 123 arrives?" I thought about it for about 15 minutes and decided that his invitation was similar to what would happen in the "old days" so I played along. I responded with "where would you like me to meet you and how will I recognize you". It's a little game we would play and I definitely won't go into the details but.....we had 3 or 4 exchanges and then I threw in the comment that my lunch date wanted to know who I was texting. He immediately asked me WHO my lunch date was. I waited a bit and told him that I couldn't disclose that and that it wouldn't be appropriate (still playing the game of course). I haven't heard from him since! LOL He either got distracted or he isn't very happy. Guess I'll find out later tonight when he would usually text me or tomorrow when I pick him up.

I don't envy you having to deal with your H after his comments. I can only imagine the things that he found out. I hope it's nothing that throws him deeper into Mr. Grumpy Pants. Why can't they just go to counseling and talk to someone who knows how to help them???? Try to stay calm and hope for the best. I haven't been on here long enough to give any advice but I'll be thinking about you.

I like your comment...rebel without a clue. Perfect term for him, REBEL. He really has been a rebel for most of his life but not in an obnoxious way. He stands behind his beliefs and pretty much follows no ones rules. He's been very successful with that approach at his jobs and has done very well with it. Now he is pushing the rebel attitude to the limit and hurting people without regard to their feelings. I've noticed it with one of the kids who has the same syndrome as he does. She marches to the beat of a different drummer. The two of them have had several confrontations lately that have ended with one of them hanging up on the other. He's doesn't see that his behavior is exactly the same as hers.

I probably will have to curb my postings after he's comes home but don't give up on me. I'll get on as often as I can to post updates and get advice if things get too difficult.

[mizjjd]

Not,

Tough love to me doesn't mean leaving a child/teen behind!

I agree. I think that's how H's parents see/justify what they did.

Oh my, I bet you did get a kick out of your H's goof on his travel plans. lol. I hope your reunion goes well. Sounds like your text may have given you the upper hand, be interesting to see how he handles that.

I don't envy you having to deal with your H after his comments. I can only imagine the things that he found out. I hope it's nothing that throws him deeper into Mr. Grumpy Pants. Why can't they just go to counseling and talk to someone who knows how to help them???? Try to stay calm and hope for the best.

Yeah. I'm rather anxious about his homecoming. NO IDEA what to expect. Could be
1. That's it. I'm out of here now.
2. We'll continue with life as "normal".
3. Total breakdown on his part re his family.

Sooo, how to prepare lol.

Ah me. I can see this whole thing eventually resolving with his recovery and my committal

Its funny how they don't recognize their own behavior traits in other people. My H is the same way. Both of our older 2 have some identical qualities to H but he doesn't see that at all. Of course, as humans I think we all avoid seeing our own flaws if possible. At least I know I do. I'm working on it.

I probably will have to curb my postings after he's comes home but don't give up on me. I'll get on as often as I can to post updates and get advice if things get too difficult.

I too will not be as free to post if/when H returns. I try to not get caught on this site by the kids and if I'm on the computer more than 5 minutes H demands to know what I'm doing. (The one time I told him I was on a site that offers help to people in our sitch he told me not to "dwell" on it. Then he asks questions that I'd rather not answer...) So I have to find rare moments of privacy for posting.

I will def keep checking to see how you are faring. Best of luck

[kml]

we had 3 or 4 exchanges and then I threw in the comment that my lunch date wanted to know who I was texting. He immediately asked me WHO my lunch date was. I waited a bit and told him that I couldn't disclose that and that it wouldn't be appropriate

Love it!!!