Scary business today. I knew the girls were doing better. I have worried about my S14. He has refused counseling. So today I get a call from the counselor. She said she found a note from S14 to his gf. Apparently, it talked about how much pain he is in, how he has been crying and wants to kill himself. Needless to say, it was very very frightening for me. She already set up time for IC to see him at school.
So after I hung up I called H. I felt he should know. Also, he had given my son tons of guns and a gun cabinet. We are southern. What can I say? Also, they are big hunters. Anyway, I asked him to come over and get them all. So he did.
While he was here it was just he and the two girls. He sent them downstairs to play on the computer so we could talk. We did discuss Zachary. In the process he says I know I am hurting everyone. I was sort of surprised to hear him actually verbalize that. We wound up talking for a while. A long while. I basically told him I was surprised to learn he still had unresolved feelings for XW. He told me he didn't really think he did. He might have a little but he didn't even realize it until he had seen her. He did say all they had done is talk again. I basically said at this point that I was fine with that. And I am. I also told him when and if things ever change between he and I that I wanted him to have no doubts and no questions that he wanted to be here. We discussed his depression and anxiety which manifests as chest pain and itching of all things. He does seem to be doing better. I am happy for that. I did state my position that I do not want to go back to the way things were. And I validated his feelings. So it was a pretty good conversation on the whole. It helped to know where he is coming from. I don't really believe him about the XW but really it doesn't matter. In truth, I saw the same thing I have seen since he left. He still cares. About me and about our kids but that he is confused. Same thing I always knew. Still confused. In some ways less so. It helped ease the pain and anxiety some. So that is good. Otherwise, same old same old.