My wife and I have been married for 10 years, together for 13. We have 3 children, two girls 7 and 6 and a 3 year old boy. We are both in mid-30's.
Since the boy was born our relationship has been difficult. We barely have time for each other, are never intimate and sex has become a chore for her.
Instead of recognising the signs, I was selfish and retreated in to my hobbies. She also took up new interest in running that didnt include me.
In the last two months we have been dealing with a cancer scare for her. (not positive thank god)
This culminated with her telling me two weeks ago that she has not been happy with our marriage for the past 2.5 years. I was heartbroken although not entirely shocked. I hadn’t been happy with our lack of intimacy and deep down knew there was an issue. I just didn’t know how to deal with it. After the revelation, I initially got angry but then realized that this would just push her further away. I then found this site and ordered the book to figure out what I could do to help the situation. The book has been a real eye-opener for me. It has helped me see that I have been emotionally detached from my wife and that our relationship really deserved no better. I started last week with the LRT and she seemed shocked. I think she expected me to lose control and be an angry man for a long while. I am heavily engaged in 180 activities as well which seem to be working. My issue is I don’t really know where we stand. She hasn’t left, we are still in the same bed and we are now talking more than we have done in a really long time. She wants no physical contact whatsoever though. I’m not surprised at this as you can’t fix years of resentment in one week! She is often mentioning ‘if we separate’ which I think is just her way of coping but I’m not sure. Do I forget the LRT at this point and just concentrate on the 180 stuff? I feel like I am in a good position but it’s very difficult coping and trying to make sense of it. I would welcome your opinions and feedback.
Do I forget the LRT at this point and just concentrate on the 180 stuff?
Yes. The LRT is the LAST resort. It's what you do after all else has failed and when you see no hope to save the M. You do it for yourself, to help you move on. Sometimes it brings the spouse back but often it doesn't. Don't go there until all other options are exhausted.
Don't confuse "detachment" with LRT. You should detach, but all that means is to give your W some time and space to sort things out. Since she's saying no to intimacy then she's telling you she wants space. Give it to her.
Stick with your 180s and understand it'll likely take months for her to start believing they're real and not a trick to bring her back.
Also read the 5 Love Languages, since you're still under the same roof it's a good opportunity for you to show her love in many ways that don't involve intimacy.
I have found a lot of comfort and encouragement from reading this message board and the DB book.
it's sad that it took me this long to appreciate what was happening around me.
this whole experience has been a real eye opener and I am working hard and praying that I am not too late!
we really are communicating much better than we have done in a long time. it feels like the connection to each others lives is coming back, but it's very hard to dampen my expectations at this point. I know it won't happen this way, but it's like I am so desperate for us to hug and tell each other that it will all be ok. I understand that it will take a long time for her to believe the 'better and improved" me is here to stay and not some temporary act.
with hard work and a little luck, I'm hoping I can beat the odds.
You're on moderation so post often as once they get to know you your posts will appear right away.
Did your W say she wants a divorce or wants to leave, or just that she's unhappy? Have you asked what she wants to do? Does she want to work on things with you, or does she need space?
It is normal for your marriage to hit a low point after the birth of young children. If you both recognize that, you can get through it.
A few more books for you to read:
"The Sex-Starved Marriage" -- My wife and I both read this and it helped us immensely
"The 5 Love Languages" -- This will *really* help you make sure you're delivering what she needs
"His Needs, Her Needs" -- Great book about keeping love alive in marriage.
I would read them in that order in your sitch. A very important thing for you to know is that you don't have to do anything quickly -- there is no ticking time bomb. "Doing nothing" regarding your marriage is often a fine plan, take the time to work on yourself, do your reading, and give W space to sort out her feelings.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
My wife has not asked for a divorce. She has mentioned us seperating but only in the terms of 'if we seperate'. There has been nothing to suggest that she is willing to do it at this point. She has only expressed that she is unhappy and that she has been so for the last 2 years. She has been trying to make it work but she finally had to say something. I have tried to keep the pressure off her but we have had a few conversations about the relationship. I asked her directly what she wants. Her answer was at this time 'she doesn't know'. After reading on here and in the DB book I can clearly see the error of my ways over the past few years. I am 100% doing everything I can to rectify those issues. I appreciate that at the moment, its about how I deal with this. I cant make her want our relationship to work. She doesnt seem too keen on any form of counselling at this point so I am doing it myself. I think she just needs the space for now but its confusing in many ways because we are talking and communicating much better in the last 2 weeks than we have in the last 2 years! Im making time to be with her in the morning before we go to work and before the kids get up. She seems to be enjoying that I am connecting with her. We share a coffee and talk a lot. Not so much about the relationship but just nice conversation in general. It really hurts at the moment that she wants zero physical contact. I dont mean sex, but me even reaching for her hand or putting my arm around her causes a startled reaction. I have since stopped trying any of that. Do I just keep doing what I am doing and give her some time or is there something more I should be doing? I love her very much. I just havent shown her that in some time. I really hope my turnaround has not come too late for us.
My wife has not asked for a divorce. She has mentioned us seperating but only in the terms of 'if we seperate'. There has been nothing to suggest that she is willing to do it at this point.
That's a good sign, most WAS's just don't say a word until they decide they are 100% done and at that point they're not interested in working on it at all, they're just ready to leave and all they can talk about is S and D. It sounds like maybe your W reached out to you before she got to that point. The lack of intimacy/ ML is a concern though. How long has that been going on, is it a recent development?
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I asked her directly what she wants. Her answer was at this time 'she doesn't know'.
She's confused right now. You know where she stands, so do not initiate any more conversations about M, S or D. If she brings it up then listen to what she has to say and validate her emotions, but do not bring it up yourself. It's pressure, and right now you need to remove all pressure from her. You need to act "as if" everything is just fine. You're happy, content, etc. Show her someone she doesn't want to leave.
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I am 100% doing everything I can to rectify those issues. I appreciate that at the moment, its about how I deal with this. I cant make her want our relationship to work.
Have you read the 5 Love Languages? You might want to check it out, sounds like her love tank is on empty and it will explain how you can work on that.
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She doesnt seem too keen on any form of counselling at this point so I am doing it myself.
Good. Don't put any pressure on her to go to MC unless she asks to.
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I think she just needs the space for now but its confusing in many ways because we are talking and communicating much better in the last 2 weeks than we have in the last 2 years! Im making time to be with her in the morning before we go to work and before the kids get up. She seems to be enjoying that I am connecting with her. We share a coffee and talk a lot. Not so much about the relationship but just nice conversation in general.
That sounds good, just try not to overdo it. My W and I were communicating great after BD and before S, better than we had in years. Daily conversations, hand-holding, hugging, etc. She still left though. She said it was "too much".
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Do I just keep doing what I am doing and give her some time or is there something more I should be doing?
Stick with your 180's, keep working on yourself, give her as much space as you can, and settle in for the long haul. It's going to take a lot of time, so give it to her.
Hi James. First let me say that your M can be saved. Based on what you've told us, I don't think it's too late. With that said, I want to give you a word of warning so you can brace yourself. When a W tells her H that she's unhappy it's usually the first level of more to come.
There are signs that point to my reasoning here (other than I was a WAW and recognize some things). She isn't showing any evidence that she wants the MR to improve, right? The only thing that you've been able to tell has been better since "the talk" is conversation. But when a woman tells you she isn't happy, although she hasn't said the D work, she's talking about S.....which is another level. She isn't talking about what she wants. You asked her and she doesn't know? She know. You suggested C but she doesn't want to do that either. You are the one trying to put the wrong back on right.....but she's not wanting to do anything to get help? And, last but not least, she doesn't want touching. Even the smallest, like holding hands. That is the biggie right there!
I'm afraid she might be an almost walk away wife, if not already. If you have not read Michele's article here on her home page, then read The Walk Away Wife Syndrome. It will help to open your eyes to how your W is feeling.
The other sign is her not having a desire for sex since the last baby. Her doctor should have discussed this with her after the baby was born, but none of my doctors ever.....EVER asked me how was my sex drive. Her hormones could have taken as serious dive after giving birth to the last baby. Also, I suspect she's been depressed for a long time. When the hormones are flat and your busy raising a family, depression is usually in the mix. I was depressed for so long that it became the norm for me. But it's not normal and it's not something that one can always correct without medical assistance.
All of this together, added to a MR where the H isn't feeding her emotional needs, is usually a S or D waiting to happen. Don't blame yourself for the entire breakdown of the R b/c these other factors are hindering her happiness. However, the danger lies in her deciding to find whatever it takes to make her feel happy.
I'm very concerned about a young woman who would split up her family...especially when she has 3 children. So many women have a fantasy of how much better their life would be without the H around. But a fantasy is all it is. Some women allow this fantasy to build through the years that they're unhappy. The bigger the fantasy....the harder it is for her to grasp the reality of the situation.
So, here's what you don't do......don't talk about the R. If she brings it up, then you listen to her while you are looking straight into her eyes (that lets her know you are "really" hearing her). The MR will not be fixed with you talking to her about it. You will want to.....worse than anything, you'll want to talk about it, but don't bring it up. If you do, it will pressure her to answer you with what you don't want to hear.
Don't take her emotional temp to see how she's feeling about things. Don't pursue her. Pursuing would have worked at one time, but now you need to back off. Pursuing puts pressure on her and that causes results you won't like. Don't have expectations about anything where she is concerned. Don't try to read into her words or actions. In other words, if she smiles one day, don't think she's ready to reconcile. Don't move out of your bedroom. Don't move out of your home. If she wants to leave the bedroom or the house then that's her decision, but don't let her try to get you to move out.
Remember that you are the leader in your home. As the man, the husband, and the father of three children, you need to show maturity, honor, strength of character, and dignity. I could throw a lot of other things in here, but hopefully you get the idea.
Many LBH's give over to whatever the W wants, thinking that it will help the R. However, that isn't always what she wants from him. She wants a man who she can respect. A woman cannot love a man she doesn't respect.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
