Portia, I wouldn't say ILY first. I would follow his lead and go from there. Saying ILY may feel like pursuit to him.
What works when they are playing the pursuit/distancer dance? Not taking the bait when you are being very quiet. Generally, if they sense that your interest is elsewhere or your are not pursuing them, they will peek out of the tunnel and may contact you and give you false hope that they are starting to warm up again....don't take the bait! It's to get you pursuing them again so that they can bash you w/talk of separation/divorce. It's their way of justifying what they are doing and some may say "see, she/he can't leave me alone and that's why I don't want to reconcile w/her/him". The best thing you can do is sit quietly and if he does peek out, accept him for who he is right now, but don't react. It's difficult, but once you see the dance steps you are taking, you'll get the hang of it.
Be a friend, listen, don't offer up advice unless he should ask you for it. Keep your expectations at zero at all times. Don't call or text him unless it is an emergency. If he contacts you, wait a bit before responding back. Do not share everything you are doing w/him. He needs to miss you and wonder what you are doing.
Do not talk about the ow. She is absolutely nothing but a bandaid to his wound. The more you talk about her or try to find out things about her from him, the more protective he will be of her. Don't give her space in your head...she's not paying rent.
Portia, what you are feeling w/respect to shock, is very normal. It's going to take you some time to find your footing, but you will. Our family is wonderful here and everyone will help you any way that they can.
Keep the focus on you for now. Watch your finances.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
