Kicking a$$ and taking names!

[reachingHigher]

Thank you all (tvs, GalB, T^2, labug) for the encouraging words. Question: if I am doing so great, why do I feel like a total failure?

Yesterday, I went to a different L. He said $2500 for the whole thing, 30 days, said he would get the judge to waive the 90 days, b/c he thought we shouldn't hafta attend a co-patenting class.

We talked about when to sell house, cars needed, etc. We clicked well. He said for H to offer half of his take-home pay is phenomenal. He also agreed with MLC, said H will be "very sorry" in 5-10 years but sounded like H was done with M for now.

This L was obviously very successful, been M 44 years, and said he only takes the occasional non-contested D case. He obviously really liked me and gave me a lot of compliments and said I had well thought out the issues. I was grateful I didn't get emotional at all.

On the way hone from L's office, I had picked up sandwiches for me & S12. When I was close to home, I started to cry so went to a special spot here in the country. It's my special place I go when I want to think and I've been driving. It's about a mile from home, no dwelling in sight, surrounded by thousands of acres of rolling pastures, some rolling to a beautiful farm by a river. It's on my bike route.

So I cried and tried to gather strength, but couldn't find any. Somehow I got through the rest of the day. But last night I was up for three hours. Couldn't sleep. So many heavy decisions.

I'm dreading the thought of H returning and not going through this as I feel I have gotten so far. Or putting me in limbo. I'm equally dreading going through it.

I have been texting very little to H. He tried to call yesterday but I didn't answer. (he is overseas, sorta). He texted and said he wanted to call today. So I did talk to him for half an hour.

I told him about L's appointment, issues with house and cars. I got a price quote from our health insurance carrier for s $5K deductible catastrophic plan for only $266/month. I told them to send me more info and include two more similar type plans.

I asked H if I could talk to our car/home/life insurance agent.

H has been drinking a LOT. He basically told me over and over on the phone "whatever you want". I feel like now is the time to do this thing, although it sounds like we will be cutting the dog's tail off all at once instead of a little at a time.

I made a month-by-month plan for me. November I'm just going to work on D, rest and eat well. That is it. I feel my anxiety level rising and I won't do any one any good if I get sick.

Then the following months, work on r.e. license, getting house ready to sell, etc. The L thought it could take us more than a year to sell house. We have some complications with it.

I'm thinking now to split the retirement evenly and split the house proceeds when it sells. L advised this. He doesn't think we will get nearly what we want for the house.

He also said the initiating ML on the same day as trying to file for D wasn't uncommon.
H wants to let go of me as much as he wants to keep me.

I looked at photo albums a long time the other day. I saw the same look on H's face during the first two years we were together as I see now.

From what H has told me, he wanted to sow his wild oats when we first got together, but didn't want to lose me so he married me and I helped him pay off the $40K debt he was left with after his first D.

The only time he looked peaceful and happy through the years was upon becoming a father and the next ten years after that. Then the discontent again.

Now, he is in a great position financially, plus he has much more confidence and looks a lot better, in my opinion. But there again...he wants to sow his wild oats without losing me.

I cried a lot this morning but then I kept remembering the pics I uncovered on FB a couple of days ago...and all the pics with parties and women and alcohol. It reminds me I am SO done! Its still sad to have our family break apart and I feel like I have failed our sons.

But....I am trying to think of things I am thankful for, and there are many. And I'm putting one foot in front of the other.