Separating Inevitable

[littleGTO]

I know I am not in any position to set boundaries (as he is getting ready for the BIG move) regarding OW.

Right now they are "just talking" at work. OW's D is suppose to be final in about a month. I am petrified that my H & OW will start up comm when her H is no longer living with her and there is no longer a possibility for him to accidentally intercept their communication.

My H's R with OW has thus far been an EA. But, I fear that it will eventually escalate to a PA if their comm resumes.

Right now I am just focused in on how I'm going to emotionally handle his moving out. I'm already a mess on a fairly regular basis! BUt, my logical side realizes he NEEDS this time and space and w/o it will not be able to move forward (esp toward saving our M/family).

[littleGTO]

Question for anyone in the know...

Of the people who post on this DB site, how many are still married? (As the population for D is 50/50, so do DBers have better odds)

What is the average number of months it takes for WAS to either move toward a D OR to return home?

Just asking...I'm a numbers sort of girl!

[MrBond]

When it comes to numbers, you're not going to be able to find anything concrete here. Many posters just vanish without a word. Sometimes they come back after a few years and say they R.

If you're seeking some kind of guarantee, there are no guarantees. But DB will give you a better chance at success than if you didn't do anything or learn anything.

[Starbag]

I know I am not in any position to set boundaries (as he is getting ready for the BIG move) regarding OW.

Right now they are "just talking" at work. OW's D is suppose to be final in about a month. I am petrified that my H & OW will start up comm when her H is no longer living with her and there is no longer a possibility for him to accidentally intercept their communication.

My H's R with OW has thus far been an EA. But, I fear that it will eventually escalate to a PA if their comm resumes.

Right now I am just focused in on how I'm going to emotionally handle his moving out. I'm already a mess on a fairly regular basis! BUt, my logical side realizes he NEEDS this time and space and w/o it will not be able to move forward (esp toward saving our M/family).

Try not to worry about the OW too much.... I worried about H with the OW and it made me so sick, and it still happened.... Well, I did a bunch of wrong things that sorta pushed him toward the OW. So, I think it's really good that you are preparing yourself for the separation, and hopefully you won't push him towards her!

[littleGTO]

This morning I woke up to a conversation my H started about the obscene email he sent to OW that was intercepted by OW's H. Her H is threatening to expose it to their boss at work.

My H is thinking about being pro-active & talking to boss about it ahead of time. I think it is consuming a lot of his thoughts about what might happen if it was exposed (probably just dessimate his/her characters).

I don't understand how SELFISH he is now--he doesn't seem the least bit concerned how this AWFUL, SEXUAL email that he sent might affect ME or how I feel about HIM!

I know I am just venting here and this is NOT new (the selfishness). He has been all about himself for months now. Forget me. Forget the kids.

Now that he's moving out, I hope to GOD he will take this time to really focus on HIMSELF and find out that his unhappiness followed him OUT THE DOOR!

If he decides to pursue OW then he CAN't focus on himself. He will be trying to live out this fantasy life that he has created in his head. BUt, he might, and to voice my greatest fear--it is that he will try to create a life with OW.

[MrBond]

What did you tell him when he told you that it might be exposed?

Right now he is deep in the fog so the only thing he thinks is logical is his decisions.

[AnotherStander]

Of the people who post on this DB site, how many are still married? (As the population for D is 50/50, so do DBers have better odds)

It's hard to tell, as MrBond said many people just quit posting and you don't know what happened. Some people come back some time later and say they reconciled, but that they quit posting because they didn't want to jinx it or they were concerned it wasn't going to last so didn't want to post anything about it! But certainly there are a lot of success stories on these forums, enough to give DB'ing a worthwhile effort.

What is the average number of months it takes for WAS to either move toward a D OR to return home?

I can tell you the impression I've gotten from reading many, many threads on here. It seems like if the WAS doesn't push for D within a few months of BD then they seem content to just leave things in limbo for an indefinite time. Often if it goes more than several months it's the LBS that gets tired of waiting (or of the affair) and finally pushes for D.

As far as a WAS coming out of the fog, that seems to take somewhere between 6 months and a year on average. Of course some take less time and some take more, so unfortunately there's no reliable timeline for this.

MLCers can take much, much longer to emerge from the tunnel, more along the lines of 2 to 5 years. Frankly I don't know how LBS's of MLCers do it, when I read about how their loved ones turn into horrific monsters hellbent on making their lives as miserable as possible it's just hard to imagine dealing with that for years waiting for them to clear the tunnel. I have enough trouble dealing with my sitch and my W is nice! Hats off to those standers that stand and take all that!

[littleGTO]

Well, infamous email was EXPOSED to H & OW's boss by her H today! Her H took it directly to boss- not sure what he hoped to gain from this (...getting back at them both for the pain they caused both families? ...destroying any post-D relationship w his W (they have kids)? ...getting them both fired? ...or just a last attempt to try to show any control he mistakenly thought he had to thward their R)...anyway...

It looks like neither will be disciplined (as email was on private accounts) and no incidences at work have been reported to show they aren't doing their jobs. Their boss will probably have a conversation w each of them tomorrow.

My H is somewhat relieved this won't be looming over his head any more.

I restated my view that I too was glad he wasn't going to lose his job. BUT that to me I wasn't ever really worried about that--I am deeply hurt about the fact that it was ever written & when I think about it I am sad and hurt. (He said he understood.)

On a different not my H fluctuates from telling me everything to shutting me off (& drifting off to sleep on the couch early in the evening to (presumably) avoid conversations w me.) I don't typically initiate R conversations so he shouldn't be worried about at any moment's notice I could strike up a stressful conversation. ...ahh, the roller coaster ride...are we having fun yet?!! (NO!)

I am a ball of stress...only one more night of putting my kids to bed before they are children of separated-parents-to-be. (Next weekend H is moving out). I can't tell you how sick I am about this for them and for me! They are old enough to comprehend what will be happening BUT will NOT understand WHY.

I just want something DRASTIC to happen to knock some sense into my H! I hope his own time/space will WAKE HIM UP!

[littleGTO]

Talked to my SIL tonight--I thank my lucky stars I have a few good family/friends to talk to (other than all the great people here). HOwever, they each do have biased views.

MY SIL thinks just about EVERYTHING my H has done/said since BD in June has shown he is interested in pursuing a life/R with OW. He told me..he told his family (including his very sick mother)....he was forced to tell my parents (circumstancially) and tomorrow we are telling our 3 boys he is moving out next weekend.

She says I need to "let him go" (which I will interpret to mean GAL), since I refuse to give up HOPE. I desparately need specific advice how to GAL when I have 3 busy boys & now my attention and time will need to focus even more on them.

I do go to the gym regularly. I do go out w friends about once a month (but that's it). I do not have many hobbies (other than biking/working out) and I use to scrapbook (but that is just spending hours on family pictures of happier times together & I just can't go there right now).

I need thoughts to help me detach & GAL as he gets ready to walk (as he is currently out shopping for a brand-new HD-TV and a couch for his aptmt).

We are telling the boys tomorrow late afternoon. I need all the words of encouragement and support, as I think this will be one of the hardest moments I will ever go through (I will try to be strong for the boys, but tears are inevitable for me).

Going out w a GF tonight for drinks, so at least it appears I am GAL a little.

ANy words of advice how to handle the next few weeks!

[eyesopen]

Turtle,

Do you have family that would help with the boys, even if it is just for a few hours once a week? Are you comfortable leaving the boys at home for a few hours alone once a week?

Have you ever wanted to learn a new language? Learn to paint? Photography? Dance? Pottery? Volunteer?

As important as it is for you to find something to do, I think it is equally important that your boys see the importance of having a life outside of them.
Finding something that you enjoy will help your attitude, and your mental energy, making it easier to handle those boys. I can only imagine trying to keep up with the amount of energy you have on your hands.

Even if you just get out and get some alone time to regroup. Before I was M I was great on my own, I am getting there again, but I always thought that if I couldn't enjoy being with myself, how could anyone else enjoy being with me.