Is this cake eating? 9

[bustorama]

I don't mean to beat a dead horse, but there have been repeated conflicts involving the custody arrangement with your kids and, especially, the growing resentment your kids harbor towards your WAS. Such resentment tends to occur less in the context of a formal custody arrangement in which expectations and responsibilities of both parents acting as parents are outlined AND enforced. I have been urging you to pursue this to anticipate conflicts regarding holidays since LAST YEAR.

Here is one example from December 10, 2011 (and I had already been urging it for some time then):

One is that you guys should have resolved the time around Christmas awhile ago and between the two of you (not with sneak peeks to the kids) awhile ago. Who has holidays needs to be arranged ahead of time between the parents. Ideally, this should be formalized in some way (either in writing or better through a legal custody arrangement that includes provisions for maintenance). These boundaries protect each of you, and the kids. It also makes things very real for the WAS. I've suggested you do this before, and it is never too late. =)

In most cases of separation/divorce, when one parent has the child, the other parent has to learn to 'let go' of that time, both emotionally and physically. You might make very different choices than your ex-S, but that is not your time to control. You can and should however express safety concerns to your WAS. But don't do this in the form of 'I don't want you to do that because X' Do it as 'You know the thought of D in a single bathroom setup with a lot of single adult men I don't know makes me feel damn scared and uneasy. Can you reassure me that as her Dad you will look out for her in every way?'

You also should be documenting (in writing) any safety/parenting concerns you have re: your spouses behavior for custody reasons.

NLW, why are you not pursuing this to protect yourself and your kids? What do you feel is holding you back?