He will still tell me he loves me, just that he is confused. I was the distancer in our relationship and I have identified that this was one thing about our relationship that bothered him. I am ashamed to say that I didn't take those complaints as seriously as I should have. I am trying to look within myself to find out why.
As a 180, I now always say ILY back (sometimes I would not before) My question is: I have seen so many times not to say ILY - but if it is a 180 - is this a time to bend that rule?
I would love some practical advice on the distancing/pursuing dymanmic in MLC where I was the distancer in the relationship.
Well DR says to DO WHAT WORKS. SO you can always try something and monitor the results.
Pursuit and Distance is very complicated as there are many different traits that one can be a pursurer and a distancer.
Most women are emotional pursurers and sexual distancers. SO here are some other traits in Pursuit and Distance these are predominatly female.
SENSE OF SELF: Strongly non-individualistic. Has difficulty being alone or acting independently for any length of time. Rarely does things on own. Primarily does what others want. Tends to be clinging and overly anxious. A follower. Depends on others for guidance. Sees the world as centered on others "Gives to get" Feels taken for granted. Overly Concerned and protective of others. Always looking out for others never for self. Overly Adaptative. Chooses to be like others or to yield for the sake of unity. Feels empty without interaction with others. Constantly seeking love, approval, and appreciation. Will give up individuality for the sake of relationship.
TRUST: Tends to be naive about relationships. Optomistic about other's motives. Overly trusting; frequently taken advantage of.
EMOTIONS: Primarily people and feeling oriented. Places these above material things. Seeks out emotions and emotionality. Overemotional and effect is heightened. Openly shows feelings to everyone. Expresses a full range of emotions. Frequently intensely expressive, at the expense of thought or reason. Overinvolved with others. A Codependent. Overly sympathetic and empathetic. Heightened response to others. Avoids pain,Tries to protect others from the consequences of their behavior.
EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES: Ill defined. May be nosy, intrusive. Always has to know whats going on with everyone in the family at all times.
RELATIONSHIP SKILLS: Immaturely applied
SENSE OF RESPOSIBILITY:Overly responsible; Assumes to much resposibility for the relationship. Assumes solution is in their power with sufficient effort. Most comfortable emotionally(although not truly happy) when tending to others. Tends to infantilze others. Is a "rescuer"
CAPACITY TO CHANGE: Insight into others, but little into self. Often held back by looking for explanations. Much talk of change while still passive. Changes made to appease. Avoids significant change because of anticipated pain and lack of approval. Wants prior guarantees. Open to direct change. Overly amenable. Fears taking a stand and dealing with consequences. Believes problems must be dealt with instantly. Seeks advice, counseling. Open to offered solutions via own efforts.
RYTHYM OF INITIATING CHANGE: Overly impatient. Cannot delay dealing with problems. Lacks restraint; impulsive.
PATTERN OF EMOTIONS: High peaks and deep lows. Depends on the distancer for stability.
RELATIONSHIP EXPECTATIONS: High Expectations of others, low for self. Believes they "exprct nothing in return" but hold expectations no one could fulfill. Prone to resentment, bitterness in later years. Very critical of others
PERSONAL PROBLEM-SOLVING STYLE: Emotional engagement. Seeks emotionally charged, reactive situations. Uncomfortable in calm situations. Tends to provoke reactivity and crises. Generates worry about about everyone and everything.
CONTROL AND MANIPULATION: Controls to protect others from themselves. Manipulates controls others through guilt, advice, retaliation, criticism and or/submissiveness. Acts for others "own good." Feels powerless and ultimately incapable. Seeks someone to exert control for and over them.
DECISION MAKING: Difficult, confused, inconsistent. Depends on others to make decisions(parents, partner)
VIEW OF LOVE: Overly romantic. Overlooks practical aspects of relationship.
TYPICAL BELIEF: Love conquers all.
SEXUALTIY: Caring for the partner takes precedence over physical enjoyemnt. sex seen as a sign of caring for and by partner.
SUBSTITUE ACTIVITIES: Overly involved with family, house(for approval), sexual liasons (to feel cared for), medications, particularly tranquilzers
SELF-DECEPTION: Believes living for an extension of partner brings a sense of security, self esteem, contentment. Believes they can catch a distancer.
DEMEANOR: Assumed invulnerability. Self righteous. In later years bitter, cold, emotionally and physically fatigued. Prone to martydom.
GREATEST RELATIONSHIP DIFFICULTY: Inability to remain univolved, particularly with own children.
TYPICAL STATEMENT: "All I ever needed was a home and to be loved. I'll do whatever I have to do to keep everyone happy.If they really cared about me, they would know what I want" ____________________________________________
Cadet should be by soon to give you his welcome, along with all the links.
Try to do the homework he gives, it will help out.
