Welcome, lostsoul13! Thanks for chiming in. You've come to a great site! There are lots of wonderful people here to walk along with you on your journey, albeit an unpleasant one.
I think there's a difference between "properly communicated" and "was not effective." Communication requires the effective participation of two people, so it's just as important for the "listener" to do their part right as it is for the "speaker" to do theirs. It could be that the WAS was communicating very effectively, but that the LBS wasn't listening effectively. On top of that, when someone is trying to communicate something and the listener is clearly not listening, it's very un-motivating. After so many times trying, only to get the communicative equivalent of the listener closing their eyes, plugging their ears and humming, it just becomes easier to give up.
I think it boils down to this: If the WAS communicated that they didn't like X, and the LBS heard it but did nothing to address X, then communication wasn't the problem.
I will be the first on the bandwagon to say the D is tough on kids. Hence, my sitch. I don't want S to have to grow up between two houses. It is very tempting to just focus on myself and what I want out of life and move on. I'm not suggesting I'm some sort of saint because of it, but I do see the appeal of the path taken by the WAS many times. At the same time, in spite of my willingness to put my own agenda on hold and making S my priority, I've still been criticized for my approach, even by LBS's on this site. So it appears the WAS is going to be criticized for whatever approach they take with the kids. Bottomline, kids should never be used as the glue in a M. If the M can't stand on its own, then there is no M.
I think the topic of M vows is where WAS's and LBS's disagree most. I know ours were very standard, something like this: I, (name), take you (name), to be my lawfully wedded (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, forsaking all others, until death do us part. I believe most WAS's feel that the LBS broke their wedding vows l-o-n-g before, and it's ridiculous for the LBS to think the WAS is still beholden to theirs. Ironically, there isn't anything in traditional vows regarding fidelity. The closest to that is "forsaking all others," but that's a rather selective interpretation of it. I believe this prior breach is why the WAS is usually completely unreceptive to any discussion regarding their vows, because it comes across as "do as I say, not as I do."
