Going home

[keep_going]

NG,

Happy belated birthday! I was away from the computer all weekend and am just catching up. It sounds like you had a good time, though. You are an amazing person and deserve good friends, good fun and a good life.

I hope you keep enjoying the rest of your birthday weekend and your peaceful surrender...

(((((NG)))))

[needgrace]

ok... i was running this morning

and tough thoughts came up about W and OW...

so i waved my white flag but felt like i needed to do more.

i was reminded last night of a therapy session in which the C had me create an image of what i was feeling.. i have told this here before but this is a refresher course

i felt like i was in a body of water.. like a swimming hole, but there was a tough current and i was struggling to keep my head above the water..

the C had me stop struggling..

i was scared but i trusted her so i did.

and i began to FLOAT.. and the anxiety i had been experiencing at the time significantly decreased in the following days..

so TODAY, i decided to not just surrender but to audaciously just JUMP right in..

so i let my mind go to some fears i have been resisting..

that this D is moving forward and that W may never give us another chance..

and you know what... I was okay... I am okay.. I will be okay..

and so will all of you dear people here. ((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))

[scaredsilly]

You'll be more than ok, grace! We've all known it for so long! You'll thrive!

[needgrace]

Thank you SS for all your encouragement and support. You are a beacon of light to me. I think you are amazing! (((((((( )))))))))

[Cadet]

Yes NG you are going to be fine.

Not sure if I have said this to you before but the LBS get to decide what happens in the end.

And if you have not yet gotten to decide then it is not yet the end.

[needgrace]

Thank you Cadet. I like that. You are one very wise person.

JOURNAL

I find myself more anxious as the week progresses.. W had told me that I would receive some papers from her lawyer last week and nothing has come yet. (maybe she delayed bc my birthday was saturday?) I think that each time she does not follow through with what she tells me, without wanting to, i get a faint glimmer of hope... and realize that i am not as detached as i wish i were..

she was originally going to file in MAY... and it is almost November..

i guess i have more growing to do in learning to sit with uncertainty..

and in letting go.

[2chiquitos]

so i let my mind go to some fears i have been resisting..

that this D is moving forward and that W may never give us another chance..

and you know what... I was okay... I am okay.. I will be okay..

Your post reminded me...

My Al Anon sponsor had me write a fear list. When I included things like, fear of losing my kids, of my kids being physically hurt, of dying; I no longer wanted to include fear of H not returning. To h3ll w him if he doesn't come back. I'm more worried about my kids and my well being ;-)

[Cadet]

JOURNAL

I find myself more anxious as the week progresses.. W had told me that I would receive some papers from her lawyer last week and nothing has come yet. (maybe she delayed bc my birthday was saturday?) I think that each time she does not follow through with what she tells me, without wanting to, i get a faint glimmer of hope... and realize that i am not as detached as i wish i were..

she was originally going to file in MAY... and it is almost November..

i guess i have more growing to do in learning to sit with uncertainty..

and in letting go.

The reason for this is DEPRESSION.

That is it.

Unable to follow through with anything.

SCRIPT.

[labug]

Is not following through a pattern of hers from the past?

Was she always a bit passive-aggressive but you had adapted to it and didn't notice it as much?

Or maybe it's in her L's control and it just hasn't happened yet.

You will be OK.

[needgrace]

hi cadet and bug

cadet, she seems able to follow through on other things... she has moved twice, has new job... or i could that be her running from depression?

bug, yes, it is a pattern that in hindsight i adapted to and did not notice much. perhaps best illustrated during our M by her persistent refusal to spend any time thinking about our financials, saying that she "trusted" me with it...but then being angry and calling me "controlling" of our finances after the BD..

and yes, it could be her L delaying things or a change in how they are moving forward after i refused to pay half... not sure and i do find it passive aggressive that she does not enlighten me ever...

as far as not following through... when we met her finances were a mess and she likes to do things quickly without spending time on the details.. that is a pattern..

yes, i will be ok.. thank you for the encouragement bug.

it is strange... the memory her whole family has of her parents' D is that her mother's IC told her to "pull the bandaid off as quickly as possible"

i am trying to see it as just another area for my own growth.. i have realized lately that i did not like being wholly responsible for our financial security and future.. i ended up putting a great deal of pressure on myself, which i am sure she felt.. and i need to grow in how i handle my own feelings and fears about finances.

thanks, bug for making me think