How do we live "together separate"?

[mizjjd]

As far as I can tell my husband doesn't express love for me. He provides for our family which is commendable and honorable but as for something especially for me - I just don't see that. Help me, ask me some questions so I might find how he does communicate.

During MLC it is quite common for their to be NO LOVE for the SPOUSE, that is part of the dis-ease
That is why we need to detach and let them have their crisis.
However it is also possible that he does do something that does show you love and you are just not noticing it.
Maybe it is quality time.
Or AOS via providing income for the family.

I'm open to the idea that I have not noticed something. Maybe just because that would make me feel better tho? H has always provided for the family and I have (I thought) always let him know how much I admire him for that. Quality time, I'm not so sure about. Like I said to Cat, he does seem to want me in proximity but there's always a distracter in the room too ie tv, computer.

You may need to honestly look at what he was pre-crisis or when you first met, he may be 180 degrees opposite that right now.
That is part of the crisis.

He has DEFINITELY done a 180 since the courtship & early days of marriage. My mother even commented at the time that she would never have believed someone could change so drastically. I mean, everyone knows the honeymoon ends, but H went from Drive to Reverse - never touched neutral. And its been that way for about 18 years. There have been rare flashes since then, but RARE and BRIEF flashes. And then you throw in 3 affairs too...

Can MLC last 18 years? I am sure depression can... so maybe he's stuck in a horrible cycle?

That is one reason that things are counterintuitive.
All is not how it seems to be.
Normal logic does not prevail.

Right now you do not want to communicate through speaking.
You must rely on ACTIONS not WORDS.

Do not believe anything he says and half of what he does.
Their are reasons for all of this.


Keep learning and posting

I get the counterintuitive strategy. I learned long ago to squelch the verbal. In fact, I think I have spent most of our marriage detached. Now I'm working on GAL because the latest EA and Bomb drop has me mostly convinced our M is unsalvageable. It nearly has me convinced that even if it MIGHT be salvageable that I can't continue. Now, if I thought there could be a return to even a fraction of those early days... wow. But no. I let that dream go a long time ago.

I'm glad you quoted the "Believe none of what they say..." Because the only thing H has said to me is "I don't think I want a future with you" etc in the one convo. His actions have remained the same as the last 18 years - no avoidance, no spew, still same bed w/contact, still ML.

So Lance, what do I believe? That his actions bely his words?

Thank you for taking the time to talk to me.