It was really timely because D16 and S14 were really rattled by something that happened in the car when their dad was picking them up from school yesterday.
The car has a phone system that displays caller name and broadcasts the call audio.
Yesterday was his birthday - so we were all on tenterhooks to see how to cope with it.
What happened was that the phone rang and a female name unknown to the kids popped on screen. He answered and a young girls' voice started to sing 'Happy birthday'.
He thanked her and asked about school etc. A young boy's voice could be heard in the background. H asked him about Minecraft ( a game that my son loves to play). It was obvious H has a pretty close relationship with these kids. My own kids were deeply hurt and upset by this. They don't know who these kids are - but they seem to have taken over their relationship with their dad.
I suspect they are OW's niece and nephew.
I'm tempted to speculate that H answered this call in front of them because D16 and S14 have shown their reluctance to go to H's new 'home' - OW's apartment - with H, and neither will they go out to dinner with him (where he wants to introduce them to OW). He is very retaliatory - just like a 2-y-old.
I'm trying to pick up the pieces with them now. I appreciate your advice, and will tell them that it's Ok to feel hurt and angry.
Oh my word... I think even a 2-year old would act better than this.
I am so sorry, NLW. Your H has no clue the damage he is inflicting on his own kids. So sad.
Yet as hard as it seems, you are doing the right thing by staying out of it. Remember, be there to listen to your kids, to be supportive and to be their rock. That is your role in all of this fiasco that you H has decided to create.
(((NLW)))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
oh, what a sh!t he is. those poor kids. they must feel that their dad is replacing them with new kids. that is so horrible for them to feel that.
i know my son (who is now 40) told me how hard it was when he would go to his dad's house and see his step brother (who was the same age, no less) living with his dad.
i'm so sorry for your and your kids. give them extra love and let them know that there's no one who can take their place with their father.
((((()))))
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
i am so sorry to hear this NLW. I agree with SS, what a sh!t he is right now. I don't get it.
I am sorry for your kids as well. Its like one kick in the gut after another...i can't believe that H can't see it. i know that pain...
Reassure your kids that they are IRREPLACEABLE despite what they may feel. They will need a lot of reassurance, love and support from you. encourage them to express themselves in healthy ways....
thinking of you NLW (((( )))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I've been trying some new stuff with my kids to try to help them (well, mainly D16) through some of the acting out and 'oppositionality'.
Took a leaf out of adinva's book and lowered my tone, came into same room, faced them whenever I spoke to them, and validated their points.
It worked almost immediately - much better that the old 'Tell (from the next room where I was frantically trying to do two other things at the same time) - get no action - yell - get no action- yell even louder and argue in frustration' cycle that I was stuck in before.
I am working on being compassionate above and beyond my frustration with their overt behaviour.
Something they told me tonight: OW rings H almost every afternoon as he is driving them home from school. The kids see her name come up on the car screen.
H always refuses to accept her call - which would be broadcast out aloud in the car.
Sounds to me like someone is getting a bit pushy......
I was amazed because he has never been a long-term planner. It's only Oct - who thinks of Xmas lunch plans this early? Well, not him ever before, that's for certain.
But tonight he wanted to know what my plans were. I said I hadn't thought about it yet.
So he said he wanted to take the kids for Xmas day lunch to his uncle's place (miles and miles away).
I said well, you can ask them. To which he got agitated and said that it wasn't up to them. We were not 'chauffeurs and servants' for them. They had to do whatever we decided for them.
??????????
He then said that they were not accepting that we had separated - because they had refused to go out to dinner with him last week and have refused to visit him at his new house (OW's one bedroom apartment) - and that we needed to do everything separately in future.
I think he has had so little interaction with the kids over the last year that he doesn't know that they have accepted the reality of the separation. We live it every day, and both kids have said at various times that it would be easier if he stopped coming over all the time (he makes things so awkward). Also, he seems to think they are still little children who can be ordered about against their will.
I can imagine what the response would be if I told my kids what they 'had' to do on Xmas day. They love Xmas and we've spent years developing various family traditions.
Back story is that we always have a big celebratory lunch at home. Huge tree, home-made Xmas pudding (which we all cook together weeks before), grandly decorated room, best china, crystal and silverware, etc, etc.
And always - for every Xmas of my kids' lives, my aged parents (I am an only child) and childless aunt and uncle at lunch with us. Then we would go to his parents' for Xmas dinner.
And now stbx has announced that the kids are to come with him to his uncle's place for lunch. And he has put me in the position of having to say Yay or Nay.
How do i cope with this one?
At the time i just mumbled something about not having thought about Xmas as yet and changed the subject. I think Snodderly often suggests that mlc-ers are easily thrown off a potential tirade if you change the subject quite quickly. it certainly worked for me today.
Back story is that we always have a big celebratory lunch at home. Huge tree, home-made Xmas pudding (which we all cook together weeks before), grandly decorated room, best china, crystal and silverware, etc, etc.
And always - for every Xmas of my kids' lives, my aged parents (I am an only child) and childless aunt and uncle at lunch with us. Then we would go to his parents' for Xmas dinner.
And now stbx has announced that the kids are to come with him to his uncle's place for lunch. And he has put me in the position of having to say Yay or Nay.
How do i cope with this one?
It seems pretty obvious to me, what the kids do NOT need right now is a break in tradition. They've got enough to deal with as it is. So continue on with your traditional lunch with or without H (but definitely without OW) then he can take them to his parents' house for dinner.
Your kids are older, right? If so, I guess they should be the ones to choose who they spend their time with.
Yet labug brings up a good point. If you don't have one, perhaps it is a good time to get a custody / visitation agreement in place with your H. That way at least you and him won't have any issues about this. Right now the kids are angry at your H, but their feelings might change and you don't want to put them in a situation where they feel they have to choose between their parents. They might actually prefer not to be always on the spot in making these decisions of where and when they go and would be willing to go with a fair agreement that doesn't put pressure on them.
Specially with the upcoming holidays. You guys have had various traditions in place for years. I am sure that if your kids didn't have a preference, you would still love to host your Xmas lunch and your in-laws might still be hoping to see your H and kids for Xmas dinner. Then you have Thanksgiving, New Years Eve, etc.
I don't know. I know your H is not very agreeable now, but you can always be the one to take the initiative and try to open a dialogue with him for better co-parenting and a solid visitation / custody agreement is the first step for that. Then if he decides to not work with you, that is his problem and you'll know at least you tried.
IDK, it may be unrealistic at this point, given how emotional and volatile things are, but I thought it's at least worth bringing it up.
((((NLW))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
I hate that they turned the edit feature off!
) without them!