The crack in my perfect life...

[Sweetbriar]

Thanks to all for the advice! I have not made a final decision on the naming issue yet..so I will take all the advice in before I let H know if he will have a say. I know that I want him involved, but its hard because he had NOT asked about any appointments and said many times in the beginning he didnt want the baby. This weighs on my mind...no forgiveness there yet.

I must say that my night got a tad worse last night, as my D11 came in from their ice cream trip crying. She was saying that she hates when dad has to leave and all dad said was "I will get used to it and that he misses me too" apparently H started crying too. I had a nice talk with her, but it always makes me so sad to see them sad. D also brought in a hand written letter for D14 from H, since he didnt get to see her.

The letter (which D14 wanted to read to me) stated how he will always be there for her and he knows how angry she is right now. Then went on to state that divorce happens, plain and simple and that we (He and I) had a long run at our marriage and that we will have 3 beautiful children as a result...no regrets. He then went on to say that she is old enough to understand that we (H and I) are toxic together and for anyone involved therefore she should understand this is neccessary. He also said in letter that she is old enough to understand that this is not just one persons fault and that their relationship is going no where. ETC...

She started sobbing that she didnt have a dad anymore and that she doesnt want to see him anymore becuase its just easier that way. I also had a nice talk with her about how her dad loves her and will be there for her....etc...the same talk I have had with her so many times over and over. Its just hard for them to see him and then watch him leave...I get it.

I held in my tears until they were asleep and It finally set in for me how hard the evening had been to see him acting fun and happy and normal. I acted that way too...but for him...I think that he is so far gone from me that its easy and I hate it. I started thinking about how my baby boy will grow up without a constant dad in his life, and how he will only see him once in a while opposed to my girls who had him everyday of their lives. It makes me sad that he has chosen this life for the family he loved so dearly.

It also makes me sad that he mentioned divorce to D in the letter. We never really talk that word..just that we are seperated and seeing that tells me that he is fine with this path and that is where he wants it to lead. I hate that he is so darn convinced:( and now trying yet again to convince my kids that this is all normal stuff...divorce. Its not normal to me:( I know that he is trying to make things sound better for them to feel better, but none of these talks are ever face to face. Its always through text and letters..so he doesnt get to see their emotions like I do.

I thought I was doing well moving a tad forward and I must admit that yesterday set me back...I ended up dreaming about him last night and then waking up this morning wanted to text him...for no reason, which I did NOT do. I just have come to realize that I cannot see him or see my kids react to him sadly because I start to think again how much I want him here.

Another thing, I really started thinking last night about his pride and I wonder if ultimately, that could hold him back from R? He has stood firm in front of his family and few friends, plus he knows that our closest friends know....could that also prevent him from ever coming back because he would think it was admitting he was wrong?