Lost and confused

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks Wendy, that's what I'm thinking (need to stop thinking and get to sleep!)
The thing is he has been calling/ texting. Not a whole lot but still. We talked for about 15 mins today and I was the one who ended the conversation. I'm sure I can see regret in his eyes at times when I do see him. I'm sure sometimes he is thinking about kissing me. Right now, I think the "pull" of single life had got to much of a hold of him. He wants to go away all the time for work and I think has been offered even more away jobs since he moved out. He wants to save up and buy a motorbike ( his living bill free with his Mum right now.) he wants to go out drinking however many nights a week he wants to. He wants to have sleepover with his friend (male) and stay up drinking all night.

[labug]

That's a lot of mindreading.

What are you doing for yourself?

Are you moving toward your goals?

[AJM]

It is a lot of mind reading. It's likely keeping you from sleeping

I just don't think that it is a coincidence that H left when our son is around the same age as H was, when his mum left him.
I think he was scared of history repeating itself but ultimately that is what he had done.

That hit home for me. I thought many of the same thoughts when my ex left. It was no coincidence that she was avoiding what she saw as similar as a child/teen. I think that's really what she ran away from to be honest. Thought it many times - Me and the kids were paying the price for somebody else's sins. But that's part of it, right? They have to work through it for themselves. I think you're right about him having to work through it. Can be like watching a trainwreck in slow motion sometimes.

Get some sleep and try not to think about things you can't change. In his own time, your H may figure it out. But you will have many scars if you get too close, as he will likely lash out at you over it.

Be well! Be patient with yourself. Be still.

AJ

[Soul.Searching]

Omg! Omg! Omg!! H just called to ask me if he had clothes here because his vehicle broke down and he is "stuck down here, staying at a friends house. Ummm no he took all his clothes. When he was going he said "I love you" I actually nearly said it back but went silent. He said bye.

Called again a couple of mins later and asked if he could borrow a phone charger. Asked if I could drop it to him. I said yes, maybe I shouldn't have??
I said I was about to eat first and he said "oh" he kind of needed it right away because his phone is nearly flat and they are his alarms. I said well I'm about to eat! He said well can you call me first because I might be down the pub, if I am you can just drop it to me there.

Now I'm thinking he probably wants to keep in touch with his dating sites and possible OW?

I'm such a idiot!

Thanks for the replies, Labug and AJ
I'm just taking time to do whatever I feel like right now. I haven't really set any goals yet except to exercise and quit smoking, neither of which I have really done.
I was doing good today until now! Now I don't know of I should be taking it to him.
Also it didn't sound like he slipped up with the I love you thing. Maybe he did maybe he didn't, maybe his just messing with my head?!

[Soul.Searching]

And so the saga continues.,,... I think i broke sime DB rules tonight. Really need to read that book! Well I did drive over there. He gave the kids a cuddle and talked to them for about 30 seconds. He thanked me for the cord and asked me how my car was going.
I said "Good, except the engine light came on, on the way over here."
He said " oh I was going to ask you if I could borrow it."
Me: What for?
H: to take away for work (6+ hours away, for two weeks!) my work vans broken so I have no way to get there. Work put petrol on to my fuel card because I told them I would try to borrow a car
Me: we'll you definitely can't because of the engine light.,, that's a big ask
H: I know
Me: if we were together, that's one thing but you choose this.
H: I know.
Me: I have a life too you know?
H: I know
Me: I'm not going to be treated like a doormat.
H: I know
Me: You can't have the best of both worlds! You choose this.
H: I know
H: well I better get back inside.
He then gives the kids a cuddle good bye, says bye to me and goes inside. No anger, no frustration,... Basically no emotion.
My head is spinning! Maybe he told me he loves me because he wanted my car for two weeks?! The car that I have been without for over a month and he knew I was SO excited to have it back, just two days ago.
Now he thinks it would be okay to take it off me for two weeks! It may be just my emotional state right now but I think that he is just insane!!

I'm not having my Mum walk my kids to and from school, on the days where I am unable to take them because of work. I would have to take her car to get there!! Especially in 30 degree heat like today!!

He has this evil way of making me feel guilty when I don't do as he wants.

[Soul.Searching]

So I I'm about 80 pages in to the book now, it's late, I'm tired and I have to work tomorrow. I am soo tempted to message H, ask him if he slipped when he said "I love you" but I know I shouldn't. Just can't hep but thinking what if he was reatching out to me to see how I feel. I know his ego would be holding him back if he did want to reconcile. I'm not sure if me not saying it back was a ba thing to do. Was in shock! What a mess.

[labug]

Don't feel guilty, and he can't "make" you feel guilty, you do that to yourself.

If it's your car you get to decide who uses it.

[Soul.Searching]

I know Labug. That's something I need to work on. I read a little bit more of DR, I'm up to the goal writing part. I went to a candle party tonight. The kids had a ball playing with there friends. We didn't get home until 1am, I don't think my kids have ever stayed up that late before.

I was going to take them to the beach tomorrow but it's supposed to be on the cold side, hopefully I'll take them on Sunday.
Have a BBQ to go to tomorrow afternoon anyway.

Haven't heard from H, still tempted to message him and ask him about the I love you thing. I have been having a good time but I'm also confused, can feel that ache coming on slowly. That feeling that something (H) is missing. The growing sense of dispare. I think I might message him tomorrow and ask him. I don't know.

[AnotherStander]

Haven't heard from H, still tempted to message him and ask him about the I love you thing. I have been having a good time but I'm also confused, can feel that ache coming on slowly. That feeling that something (H) is missing. The growing sense of dispare. I think I might message him tomorrow and ask him. I don't know.

Don't ask. Asking is pressure. If he says it again then say it back to him, or say "thank you, it's nice to hear that" or some other kind of acknowledgement. But DROP YOUR EXPECTATIONS!!! Just celebrate it internally as a small baby step and keep going with your DBing.

[Soul.Searching]

I have been thinking, the wrong kind of thinking probably but anyway.
H had it really easy with me! Everyone was so shocked when H left but thinking back on all the comments I heard,... "You did put up with a lot Of [censored] from him" etc (which was people's view from what they saw/heard from when we were together, no from things I said) I don't think a lot of people would have been suprised if I was the WAS.
I put up with a hell of a lot of crap from H. Mostly because I knew of the issues he had in childhood and also because well H had always been the way he was and I knew that when we got together, although he did treat me a lot different those first few years.
So H left for a few days, in the weeks that followed before he totally left, I think his boss/ drinking buddy had a lot to do with it. H had told me he was spending a night sleeping at his bosses house the next week, so they could get pissed. Real mature, especially since they both had to work the next day. Well the following week H spent money on crap we didn't need (As usual) so told me he wouldn't be going.
Well one of the things we had talked about was him giving me more notice when he was going out, instead of no notice, waiting for me to call.
Well he gave his boss a life home via the bottle shop. His boss tried to get H to stay at his place anyway and drink that with him
Well H said no because he has to go drop something to his Dad. H read a text to me that his boss sent, saying "Its pretty sad when you realize your bin goes out more than you do" ummm concidering the bins go out weekly and H was supposed to be a 31 year old father and husband, the only sad thing I see is that the message was even sent.

H is like a sponge, like a two year old really. He always let his friends influence him, so much so that when he was hanging around lebbos a lot, he actually started to talk like them! Scared his family.

Now he has gone away for three weeks with his boss. I'm thinking any baby steps he has taken, will be gone by the time he gets back.

I know I've just rambled a whole heap of crap that doesn't really matter but I just couldn't get my brain to stop. I'm waiting for my kids to finish their game, so I can take them bike riding. I can't read DR because I'm up to writing and my D is extremely clued on and cleaver. I don't want her to be reading over my shoulder. So that will have to wait until later.

I was sad lastnight when I got home. I expected to be a mess today but I'm not. Well not like the other times anyway.

Well the kids are ready and waiting for me, so I guess it's time to go.