Husband (unfaithful) just told me he wants out.

[PeteWyo]

Bestgal, I read through your posts and felt compelled to respond. Your story is similar in many ways to mine. It was tough for me to understand in the beginning what was going on because it didn't make sense. Eventually I found out that there was another man in the picture and things started to make a little more sense. One of the more frustrating things to wrap my head around in the beginning was that she was the one that was having an EA (confirmed) and most likely a PA (no need to speculate but seems pretty evident) yet despite being cool, calm and collected and forgiving her, she still wanted to leave. With some time I actually detached and looked at what I could do to improve myself, for ME. To make me a better person for my next relationship, whether that was with my W or not.

I also dealt with the seemingly bipolar behavior where one day she was torn about what she wanted to do and the other she was set in her decision to leave. Believe it or not, this is a good thing. I believe it means that he isn't sure what he wants to do.

Are you sure that there still isn't another woman in the picture? If there is or there isn't, either way the trick here is to make him see that he would be a fool for not staying with you. But that requires making actual lasting changes in YOU so that you will be the best person you can be, for YOU. If he sees that and still doesn't want to come back, then that is his loss. At the end of the day you have way less control over what he does at this point than you think. You can only work on the problems you have control over.

Also, I read that you are worried about the statistics about women remarrying. Don't go polluting your mind with statistics and information from the internet. I did that for a long time in the beginning. For every statistic that says one thing I could find you one that says the exact opposite. There are plenty of people that get remarried (if it comes to that) and you are only your own worst enemy if you plan on sulking and view yourself as damaged goods. I went through the same thought process and ultimately if you end up in a position where you want to get remarried, you have to make sure that you are as happy as you deserve to be and people will be attracted to that confidence. Are you more afraid of being alone or being without your H? One of my new favorite quotes that I discovered throughout my journey says:

“Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.'
Mature love says: 'I need you because I love you'”

I hope I'm not being harsh here, I just want to try and help because I have come a long way in my personal journey and DB really helped me to get there. I am not healed yet and I am not done, I may never be. But I am in a much better place now since I actually stopped trying to control the situation and took some time to fix some things in me that needed fixing. If not now, when?

[Bestgal]

Nope, I would certainly not want to deal with that side of me either. To say I feel regretful is a massive understatement! Without beating myself up too much, I feel like I deserve this right now (within reason).

What I've done to change that behavior in the past week (so far): connecting with my girlfriends (and their girlfriends!) so I always have things to do. Acceptance. Giving him total space to drink, smoke, withdraw, ignore me, sulk, whatever. Pray. Love him from from a distance and not ask him anything personal, just behave kindly. Not questioning anything I normally would. Joining back up with my spiritual program to plug back into some real 'power' again.

What I've done for him: apologized, tried to make him feel comfortable without having to talk when he does come into the house, saying hello and being pleasant, not icing him out or throwing bad energy at the situation or him, doing the dishes and laundry, hiking w the dogs. (That's kind of for me though). I guess I'm working on being the kind of wife he'd want to be around.

[Bestgal]

Thanks for your input Fuanacdc. I'm sorry to hear about what you've needed to go through, although you do sound pretty solid because of your experiences. Hearing there's another somebody in the picture is never a good time, and I think after the initial shock of it wears off, it's all a big question mark.

Am I sure there isn't someone else in the picture? No. My gut isn't saying anything, not that it matters - anything's possible. I guess if there is, I'll hear about it at some point. Hopefully not. He's home for the most part, out of the way pretty much but not out all night or late or anything. He's just not interested in being around me. (aside from a little bit yesterday). It's truly like he doesn't know me, or is completely indifferent all of a sudden. It's creepy!

And thanks for the uplift on the statistics. At the end of the day, if he does leave, I know I'll be ok. I've been through a lot worse, if I take a step back and really view this with no emotion. (I can do this sometimes, not often!)

Overall I'm very thankful to have this board and you all. Sometimes knowing that I'm not going crazy and I'm not alone is what makes me feel a lot better.

[PeteWyo]

What I've done to change that behavior in the past week (so far): connecting with my girlfriends (and their girlfriends!) so I always have things to do. Acceptance. Giving him total space to drink, smoke, withdraw, ignore me, sulk, whatever. Pray. Love him from from a distance and not ask him anything personal, just behave kindly. Not questioning anything I normally would. Joining back up with my spiritual program to plug back into some real 'power' again.

What I've done for him: apologized, tried to make him feel comfortable without having to talk when he does come into the house, saying hello and being pleasant, not icing him out or throwing bad energy at the situation or him, doing the dishes and laundry, hiking w the dogs. (That's kind of for me though). I guess I'm working on being the kind of wife he'd want to be around.

Bestgal, these are all great things. But I do want to be clear that we are talking about behavioral problems for you. Don't get me wrong, everyone would like to come home and have the laundry and dishes done. But this isn't about doing nice things for him to try and win him back. It is about changing who you are, not fundamentally but maybe bad habits and behavioral patterns that you have picked up. It is good that you are not throwing bad energy at him. Why do you think that you have thrown bad energy at him in the past? What causes you to do that. I do agree with the 'fake it until you make it' mentality as it pertains to happiness. But I'm not sure you should apply that to the behavioral concepts, IMHO. I suppose that is one way of learning, or unlearning a behavior though. Just make sure that you are doing those things for you. Whatever causes you to throw that bad energy around or get riled up, take some time and try and figure out why you act that way. Maybe an IC, maybe you already know. But if you don't get to the root of it, you will just end up in the same place 6 months from now, whether he comes back or not. This is a chance for you to improve yourself, for YOU and hopefully in the process let him see that and kick himself for ever thinking of leaving. Take it.

[Bestgal]

Yes, you're right about that fuanacdc, it's not about winning him back. The little list I rattled off was just in response to MrBond as to what I've been doing for him, etc. Don't get the idea I'm out there cleaning his car or something! I'm just doing what I always did, as opposed to "not" doing them, if that makes any sense. In other words, I'm not being petty or anything to make a point. There's a saying I really love from my favorite author. It's something like

"Ships come in over a calm sea".

I think sometimes that nonresistance is good for everyone involved. And I think you're 100% correct in saying that the changes need to be behavioral and lasting. Unfortunately, only time and lots of work on my part is going to show that I'm undergoing these changes. I'm just cognizant of the bigger picture, which is me looking at me.

[Bestgal]

So I just need to update quick. It's only been a week, but I want to stay grounded and I feel low right now. There was a small bit of progress I suppose about an hour ago, I was outside doing something and he called to me to come into the house to see our new little pet who hadn't let me hold him yet. He told me to come in and sit next to him and he'd put him in my hand. It was cool because the little guy let me near him finally. It was a nice gesture and he was really sweet about it. Then he left the house 1/2 hour later without saying anything else. I'm not used to this at all. Who am I living with, seriously? I know I don't have to tell anyone how strange everything feels. And I know I wasn't the easiest to deal with, but I still don't get the automatic 'switching off' thing.

He doesn't have a car right now so I have no idea where he went, but I'm not staying in the house to wait and find out. I need to go do stuff - just needed to put that out there, because my mind is going haywire. Oy!

[PeteWyo]

I think you're 100% correct in saying that the changes need to be behavioral and lasting. Unfortunately, only time and lots of work on my part is going to show that I'm undergoing these changes. I'm just cognizant of the bigger picture, which is me looking at me.

Now you are getting it. Stay strong. I love your quote, I'll add it to my list.

[PeteWyo]

I'm not used to this at all. Who am I living with, seriously? I know I don't have to tell anyone how strange everything feels. And I know I wasn't the easiest to deal with, but I still don't get the automatic 'switching off' thing.

None of us used to this. That is why we are here. Don't forget why you came to DB. You came here because some part of you believes in your M. The person that you are seeing right now, quite frankly, thinks the grass is greener on the other side. I would challenge you to find a DBer on this board whose spouse didn't completely turn them on their heals. I have thought the same thing as you are many of times. There is no easy fix, I wish there was. If you believe in your M, then stand up for it by being the best person you can be.

It sounds to me like you guys fight a lot. Figure out why you fight and at least get it straight in your head. At least then you will know what you have to fix long term. That might help you do your 180s.

[Bestgal]

Yes, looks like you're right about him/them viewing the grass as greener on the other side. He's certainly not on the other side of my bed right now! It is what it is, I guess.

He came home pretty drunk last night, not staggering around but I could tell by looking at him. In my mind I just say he's going through a phase, he's going through a phase, don't react because this isn't who he really is. I'm trying to let go of the results and slowly take the focus off of him and keep it on me. Slowly, though, it's not overnight! When I'm not in major pain mode, I try and think of this as an adventure. No matter what happens, it can be an adventure. If he clears his head at some point and I'm still DBing and changing and he STILL doesn't want to be back with me, I have alternatives. At this time I don't have kids so I can join a commune if I want to, or move out of the country for a while. This is drastic thinking I know, but it does make me feel better and empowered in a strange way.

I went out for a while last night and met a cool girl at my group so we're going to get together next week. I've also been speaking to a couple of close friends and one or two family members I feel good talking about this to. I'm very fortunate to have people in my life who love and support me and can help me put it all in perspective.

[Bestgal]

Why do the majority of men tell me "oh he's probably cheating." Some of them don't even know him. Is that usually what's happening when someone threatens to leave, seriously?