25YearMLC's question of what (Rough Enough) is afraid of made me think... i am afraid of being alone (already am...) i am afraid of doing things by myself (I already have been...) i am afriad that i don't know what i like to do anymore (hmmm) i am afraid that i need to have someone with me all the time i am afraid of being stuck doing things i've always done just because i don't push myself. i am afraid of making big changes just in case he wanted to come back
I also started to think about what I needed that I didn't get in my relationship.
Companionship. Even doing laundry together would've been a step forward. Eating food together... hasn't happened in years. Sex. Being told no. Telling no. Frustrating. Speaking of being told no. I would ban the word! If I ask if my H wants to play video games together: "No" want to go for a walk: "no". Everything is no. No thanks!
I see our lives got separated with the split schedule. I also see he vicariously lives through phone calls to 'share' in the day. That's not living.
Sitting on the couch TOGETHER is important to me. Eating. Even something silly like laundry. Just something. Yes, I can live life on my own - separate and be fine. But I don't think humans are meant for such isolation. It would throw me into depression and then continue to throw me down further into depression. Talked on the phone about this. Just me talking. I said that not that it matters - but I won't be nor could be a relationship at all like that.
So what am I afraid of now? Being in a relationship where I am virtually alone. The relationship I've had with H for 2 years. Being stuck in holding pattern waiting for a man who is depressed and seeks short term solutions to make himself feel better briefly. Being dependent on someone who doesn't think about anyone other than himself.
Me& h + S M: 13 t: 14
H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my! I'm done. 12/12
"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
