first time need help - still (new thread?)

[Albuquerque]

Nero,

I totally get what you're saying. We all reach these points. MLC is painful, frustrating, confusing and devastating.

BUT- i'm thinking tonite (without anger- rancour or anything else) that maybe he was being honest. maybe there isn't much there - underneath - and perhaps he is perfectly happy. i hear you gys all so sure that your spouse is feeling "pain". i'm not ratty- i'm just not convinced.

Nero, believe none of what they say and 50% of what they do. Repeat this. Repeat this. Repeat this. And when you're done. Repeat it again. And again....

When my H was in crazy town, he would tell me about his freedom. How he could (as a contract programmer), work at beachside restaurants. How he had friends who would let him use a beachside condo, etc etc. I'd see him go on trips with OW while I stayed at home mowing the lawn, watching D, paying bills, taking out the trash, etc. But every so often, I'd catch glimpses of the sick H. He seemed unwell. He talked the talk, but he was losing weight, dressing badly etc. Only now do I know that he would spend entire days in bed curled up in the fetal position. Only now do I know that he'd have panic attacks anytime he'd try to make a decision regarding our R.

i do not ever see any pain or remorse or quandry. oblivion is more like it. sorry to report- i am a compassionate guy- i am a guy that can hear if someone is telling me something heartfelt- i'm not feeling it. i'm looking and would LOVE to believe there's more to this than just be being a giant pos and expendible - but maybe not.

You're not seeing it because it is not there. When they are in crazy town, they are in crazy town. They don't really know WHAT they hell they're doing. They don't feel remorse. They also don't feel content. They don't feel secure. They don't feel happy. They don't feel calm etc. BUT. They ACT like they know what they are doing. This is the point where I ask you to go back to the beginning of this comment and repeat my first point again and again.

Bottom line is, you need to turn the focus on you. Let's make YOU better. You're right. Sometimes, once the LBS detaches long enough and grows and learns, they end up not wanting to salvage the relationship in the end. One word of reminder though. Detach does NOT mean stop caring. It means being able to deal with the wacky emotional barrage that can come from the MLCer without it affecting YOUR emotions. It's tough. There are no guarantees. But as long as you are better and wiser in the end, it will be OK. *hugs*