regardless you have to come out of this smarter, stronger and happy to face your next r with h, or new things ahead.
i sure hope you're rite that we alllll survive this with all our marbles. I really do not like this me , who can't see anything in the future - and can't be fond of the past and is just putzing along in the present with nothin . i hate being lonely - even as i'm saying it i have to admit i've been awfully lucky in life so far- but boy - oh - boy- has my luck run out lately with this junk. i resent feeling sucked down by this all. i resent letting myself- i do not listen to me very well. this is not who i am-
yeah- i know, how the hell many times can i say the same darn thing- i am one giant broken record here.
let me think-
Quote:
Stay focused your not in a MLC- your the rational one. Stop analyzing him -he's crazy, lost, gone, and not your H. Sorry, but I'm telling myself this as well. NONE of this is about you/me or against us as well. He/they are not happy.
i hope you are rite and i am rational. i don't feel like it alot of the time. i feel really unusual and at a loss. so- you really feel it's true that it's not about us? and not against us?
i have to say- i still get flashbacks to all the criticism , and unfair picking and fights due to his unhappiness and the fact that he was blaming me TOTALLY for EVERYTHING - oh yeah- i guess he did throw in he was unhappy for a long time. (after bomb only tho- like, why wait til then??? why not get it out along the way- men- i'm glad i'm a woman I may talk too much- but i'd rather say it and TRY to help myself - instead of the alternative. i guess i let my opinion of him get in the way of my compassion- sorry ...
i did laugh like mad today becasue an old highschool aquaintence called - we got talking about our mothers. she was killing me- and i realized since linda died i've been really sucking air for people who like to laugh and have a good sense of humour. there aren't too many around- i miss it alot. anyway- we got trading mom stories- made me laugh for about a half hour straight. i felt alot better after that. it's magical- isn't it? laughter. i have a "caregiver" book- it tells you to even make yourself laugh- even faking a laugh will give you a boost- wierd thought- but i'm trying. i need more laughter in my life - really.
plodded thru the stupid old state of nj education dept. form for getting fingerprinted on line- what a nightmare - oh man- about two hours - then i forgot to print a copy anyway. i am such a computer-dork when it comes to forms & searching. i just don't have that much patience. finished in the end (geeeez) - i hope this is funny (at the very least) the kids and substituting. i'm figuring kids have to be alot more entertaining that adults.
the adults in my life are sooooo ponderous all of a sudden- i'm croaking for some laughs. this gal is coming over tomorrow- maybe we can laugh it up some more. therapy for me please.
fri have another friend to visit- she's okay- not too funny- but nice and she's got some other friend that's looking for victorian christmas ornaments- she thinks perhaps i can create some for her. she is ALWAYS trying to get people together who want something- got something. she's a manager-type. her mission in life is to find people who suck me into makng things for them. sometimes it's interesting or fun- sometimes not. i have trouble saying no- did you ever notice that about me???
okay- you can be off this hook- thanks for insights & support- i read other people's stuff - or articles, etc. but sometimes it's hard to hear or read - or the truth hurts and i dont want to- it makes me feel really sad and hopeless - so i run away. maybe i'll be ready to read more later - don't know why- just what it is.
