The crack in my perfect life...

[keep_going]

Sweetbriar,

I am really sorry you find yourself here and struggling so much. I can completely relate to how you feel because my H left when I was just 6 weeks pregnant. I won't go into the details of my sitch. It's very long and complicated. If you are interested, you can read my threads and maybe find things to relate to.

I was initially also baffled by my H's cold and detached attitude towards me and our daughters. He was not himself at all. That is pretty common for WAS... You have been given a lot of good advice in just these few posts. I recommend that you go back and re-read them.

I was so overwhelmed and hormonal when the bomb dropped - both due to the grief of his abandonment and my pregnancy. I was terrible at following the DB rules and in some ways I still am - almost two years later. But I promise you - the sooner you get familiarized with the rules and follow the advice you get, YOU will start feeling better.

The one thing I want advice you for now - have ZERO expectations from your H. He won't act like a loving spouse, he might not contact your girls in days or even weeks. He won't ask about your health, he might not go to Dr.'s appointments, he might mess up all your finances... Just expect him to do NOTHING for you at this time.

And for that, please, please protect yourself financially. I made the mistake not to do so for fear of making my situation with H worse. In the end, I didn't improve my relationship with H and got really screwed financially. Earlier this year we had to short sale one property (with huge tax penalties for next year), and early this Summer we had to also sell our newly-bought home. As a result, I have moved twice in the last two years. I so did not want that, but the kids and I survived and I we are ok. Now H and I have more debt with the IRS and in credit cards that I want to think about. I knew it could happen, I took the risk knowingly by not protecting myself and now I feel like I failed my kids.

The truth is no matter what you do at this point, your H has his own journey and path and there is NOTHING you can do to control him or change it. So you need to focus on yourself financially. If you need to, please get an emergency support order through your lawyer so that he HAS to give you money. It really, really worries me that you have no access to money and that is not good given your H's erratic behavior. He can (and might) go and spend money partying or with OW and then not have enough for basic expenses. Yes, it happens - it did to me.

Finally, please take care of your health. Eat well and try to get some sleep. Your baby needs that from you right NOW, everyday. I know detachment is the hardest thing to do (I am STILL not completely there yet), but you have many, many important things to focus on right NOW. Yes, more important than your H, because right now, he is confused and no good for you or your kids. So please try to detach and forget about what he does or doesn't do, what he says or doesn't say. You don't need to be mean or cold. Treat him with respect and compassion when he shows up or calls, but don't pursue or initiate.

From what you have described, his back and forth between wanting to come home and never wanting to see you again can continue on for a long time. It throws you for a loop and you start questioning everything. Leave him ALONE so he can hopefully start to sort his issues out. But please listen to what others are telling you here - his crisis might last a very, very long time - even years.

I will continue checking in on you. Please believe that you will get through this and you can go through your pregnancy and bring a beautiful new life into this world on your own if need be. I understand this must be a huge fear for you - it certainly was for me. But as the months passed, I was doing it and guess what? I did it! And my baby boy is a blessing, an angel that God sent me to get me through this rough time in my life and make me keep fighting.

You are not alone and you can do this. Stay strong for yourself and your children!!!

[Sweetbriar]

Today started out so exciting! I found out that Im having a bouncing baby boy! I was extra happy since I already have 2 Ds...although it would not have mattered at all boy or girl. I just think that a boy will be something totally different for me and since I will be doing it all on my own, it will be nice to not have the baby girl memories that I shared so lovingly with H. My girls were very happy too....I thought that they would be disappointed because they wanted a girl so bad...but they are happy too!

I did not text H to tell him the news. I let it go all day since I figured he could ask me. Well...the end of the afternoon came about and still no word, and I knew that I had to see him tonight at D's school function. I texted him about 2 hours before function and advised of boy. I just simply stated... "I found out this morning that I'm having a boy" and he replied ":) Im so happy!" I just left it at that. The last I heard from him was the vicious text that I had ruined his life...so I didnt know how he would react to the news.

About a half hour later, I get a text from him saying "I want to help pick out the name" I just let it go. Honestly, when it comes to the name, I am picking it and Im sticking to that. He walked away, and didnt want our baby...so I get to pick the name. I know this is me punishing him but If its the only bone I get, I m getting it! I just feel like he doesnt have a right to name our son. He isnt involved in any other way.

So, fast forward to tonight, I was kinda anxiety ridden, as its hard for me to see H and be around him especially in a social situation like school where everyone knows us...and some know our stitch and some dont. When he arrived, he came right up to me and gave me a big hug with a big smile on his face and said "congratulations". I was totally taken back. I was not ready for a hug...as I am still attached and it hurts me to see him, let alone be hugged by him. I totally did well..no tears, but I must admit, I did get a tingle...just to be hugged by H again:( Its just easy for him to come up and hug me, as he is detached...I am not.

The rest of the night was akward...we just had small talk and some group convos with other parents. He asked where D14 was, and I advised she didnt come. (this is the D he is arguing with) He then asked if he could take D11 to get ice cream afterwards, to which I of course said yes. He ended up taking her and 2 friends. When they left, my D came and hugged my bye and he walked up and said bye.

It was very uneventful (thank god!!!) but it was so damn weird that he was able to text me awful things last night about how horrible I am and then come today and hug me like nothing was wrong. Another weird thing is that he is able to come to these functions and act totally normal. He was somewhat smiley and talkative to others and to the kids (who all know him and love him from prior school years. He is also the school DJ when they need one!!)

I am home now and feeling fine...although the hug didnt help detachment. I just wish that I never had to see him..that would be easier..out of sight, out of mind. But I know that this will be the rest of my life... (or at least the next 20 years of it) is having to have contact with him in regards to the kids. I look at him and just think about all that could have been and all that wont be.

The good news is that I was told by numerous people/friends how good I look and all of them were congratulating me! So that made me feel good. One of my best friends was there with her son and she said...I know this is hard for you, but at least you look amazing!! That made me feel good...maybe deep inside he will see that too!

[MrBond]

Save that vicious text from him and print it out. The next time he starts laying into you about how bad you are or if he makes a fuss about not being able to help name the baby, point to the paper and say "that's why'".

[unbidden]

You are so strong. I totally admire your strength and grace ((((())))))

[Accuray]

The reversals are what we call "the rollercoaster" and it can be very confusing. My W held my hand once all through dinner at a restaurant but when we got home she wouldn't talk to me at all and slept on the couch.

That's why its good not to engage when they are in monster mode -- it will pass and in the moment you only stand to make things worse.

Congratulations on your boy to be! Reconsider allowing H to participate in the naming. Rise above and be the better person here. If you don't like his choices, veto them. In the case that you DO reconcile it will be a constant reminder if you go with a name he doesn't like!

Accuray

[keep_going]

Sweetbriar,

Congrats on your baby boy! It sounds like you did well today. Use these good experiences to build and keep your spirits up. You have a lot to look forward in the coming months.

Reconsider allowing H to participate in the naming. Rise above and be the better person here.

As for the naming issue, I completely agree with Accuray ^^^^ here. I know you are upset right now, but think about it this way: If your ultimate goal is to save your M, what will you gain by punishing your spouse? We all go through this type of anger and hurt and many of us (me included) have sometimes let that anger take a hold of us and react to our spouse in ways we later regret.

The good news here is that you have still a few months before your baby arrives and hopefully by then you will feel better and reconsider. You don't need to make any definitive decisions right now.

Stay strong and keep us posted!

[Soul.Searching]

I agree with Accuray! He did want to go to the appointments for the baby? I can totally understand you not wanting him there but at least he has tried. I think he should get a day In the name. As long as you like it too.

[2chiquitos]

Hi Sweetbriar,

I was aware of the affair before D1 was born and was adamant about me choosing the name and not allowing him to be present during the birth. I was hurt (still am!) and didn't want him involved.

I decided otherwise at the last minute. I thought about our daughter. Growing up my dad wasn't in the delivery room. He was from a different time so his story of my birth was hours after.

I thought about S4s birth and how involved H was and how D1 would feel knowing this. I read that when the parent leaves a child at such a young age they grow up wondering if they were unwanted by that parent. It's not until they are adults that they are able to move on from this.

I don't want my daughter to feel less love from her father in any way. That is if I can do something about it.

So H was present as her birth and I chose the name he had picked out. I can't give my daughter a live in dad but I was able to do this for her, at least.

[scaredsilly]

^^^^ great advice, vero.

[Sweetbriar]

Thanks to all for the advice! I have not made a final decision on the naming issue yet..so I will take all the advice in before I let H know if he will have a say. I know that I want him involved, but its hard because he had NOT asked about any appointments and said many times in the beginning he didnt want the baby. This weighs on my mind...no forgiveness there yet.

I must say that my night got a tad worse last night, as my D11 came in from their ice cream trip crying. She was saying that she hates when dad has to leave and all dad said was "I will get used to it and that he misses me too" apparently H started crying too. I had a nice talk with her, but it always makes me so sad to see them sad. D also brought in a hand written letter for D14 from H, since he didnt get to see her.

The letter (which D14 wanted to read to me) stated how he will always be there for her and he knows how angry she is right now. Then went on to state that divorce happens, plain and simple and that we (He and I) had a long run at our marriage and that we will have 3 beautiful children as a result...no regrets. He then went on to say that she is old enough to understand that we (H and I) are toxic together and for anyone involved therefore she should understand this is neccessary. He also said in letter that she is old enough to understand that this is not just one persons fault and that their relationship is going no where. ETC...

She started sobbing that she didnt have a dad anymore and that she doesnt want to see him anymore becuase its just easier that way. I also had a nice talk with her about how her dad loves her and will be there for her....etc...the same talk I have had with her so many times over and over. Its just hard for them to see him and then watch him leave...I get it.

I held in my tears until they were asleep and It finally set in for me how hard the evening had been to see him acting fun and happy and normal. I acted that way too...but for him...I think that he is so far gone from me that its easy and I hate it. I started thinking about how my baby boy will grow up without a constant dad in his life, and how he will only see him once in a while opposed to my girls who had him everyday of their lives. It makes me sad that he has chosen this life for the family he loved so dearly.

It also makes me sad that he mentioned divorce to D in the letter. We never really talk that word..just that we are seperated and seeing that tells me that he is fine with this path and that is where he wants it to lead. I hate that he is so darn convinced:( and now trying yet again to convince my kids that this is all normal stuff...divorce. Its not normal to me:( I know that he is trying to make things sound better for them to feel better, but none of these talks are ever face to face. Its always through text and letters..so he doesnt get to see their emotions like I do.

I thought I was doing well moving a tad forward and I must admit that yesterday set me back...I ended up dreaming about him last night and then waking up this morning wanted to text him...for no reason, which I did NOT do. I just have come to realize that I cannot see him or see my kids react to him sadly because I start to think again how much I want him here.

Another thing, I really started thinking last night about his pride and I wonder if ultimately, that could hold him back from R? He has stood firm in front of his family and few friends, plus he knows that our closest friends know....could that also prevent him from ever coming back because he would think it was admitting he was wrong?