Riding the Bull

[afa75]

You DO have US!
Let us know how we can continue to help.
I agree wholeheartedly with the last few posts.
Exercise, sleep, staying hydrated.
Help others (anyone)!
Be the anchor for your D. You are her world and vice-versa.

I can't recall, do you have any specific religious / spiritual beliefs?

[Arsene]

Ok, before I go to bed, I just thought I'd share what happened tonight when I got back home from work.

For some reasons, I was dreading an encounter with W as I knew she'd probably been here all day (I start early on Wednesdays and W picks up D8 from school) but since she works at 19:30 I figured she might just be gone by the time I get home. She wasn't.

It was our first encounter since Tuesday when she gave me the massage and we were civil to one another, exchanging platitudes in a normal manner. She told me she was expecting her ride (OM??)and I told her I was just coming in to change and I was off again (some meeting I was invited to by someone from work).

I walked her to the door and she then TOLD me she was spending the night here tomorrow as D8 had asked her some questions and she wanted to spend time and talk to her.

Now, every time D8 asks me why mom is doing what she is doing, I tell her that she should ask her mom because I'm not sure I have all the answers on that.

So I asked W what questions D8 had asked and wife smiled mischievously and said:"You know? just some questions!" and evaded my question so I made light of it and said :"she's not having her first period, is she?" Which made W laugh but she didn't relent about the nature of the questions she is coming here to discuss with D8.

In any event, before W left, we agreed that we'd meet in the morning as we need to go back to immigration to pick up some papers.

Later, when I was talking to D8 about W staying over to following night, she said:"yeah, mom asked me if she could stay over tomorrow". D8 didn't say anything about asking any questions to W so I'm in the dark.

I have to admit that it does bother me but I'm not sure why. I guess I'd always wanted W to face her responsibility and tell D8 what she was doing and why but now that she might be about to do it, I guess it just shows me the extent of her resolve, and that is hard to digest.

There is also the smile she gave me when I asked about the questions. It didn't suggest anything serious. In fact, if D8 had asked questions of W about her motive for leaving, I'd expect W to talk to me about it and not to make light of it. Unless of course, she doesn't think much of it, which is always a possibility.

Now, tomorrow morning I have to spend time with W and make sure I don't talk about this. Tough. Then, in the evening, I'm considering just not coming home til very late so I don't have to be here during their "talk". On the other hand, shouldn't I be there when W tells D8 about this? Do I even know if this is what she'll talk about? If not, does W know that her silence on this is torturing me right now? Likely she does.
I'm re-reading my ramblings and hope they are as entertaining to you as they are to me. I'm a fricking nutcase, aren't I?

Don't bother with the 2X4s. I know. This is mind reading at best and a useless waste of time and energy at worst.

I should just wait patiently for it to happen and deal with whatever it is then. The worst thing that can happen is that W tells D8 that she is in love with OM and never wants to come back to me, and this, she already told me, so what's new?

I should look at it as a positive. W and I will be sleeping in the same house (heck, in the same block) for the first time in 5 months!!! Is that progress or what?? Good thing the meds will keep my libido in check .

I have to admit, it'll be nice to have her around. Breakfast on Friday will bring us all down memory lane. I'll go out and buy some bacon . I'm sure W hasn't had any since we were together and she used to love it.

I sound like I'm all over the place but for some reasons, I feel ok right now, and I haven't even taken my first A/D yet!!!

Good night everyone and thanks again for your friendship, prayers, kind words and support. I am over 10,000 km away but you make me feel like we're all together in this. Thanks.

[Arsene]

You DO have US!
Let us know how we can continue to help.
I agree wholeheartedly with the last few posts.
Exercise, sleep, staying hydrated.
Help others (anyone)!
Be the anchor for your D. You are her world and vice-versa.

I can't recall, do you have any specific religious / spiritual beliefs?

Thanks Afa. You guys are great. I feel better, for now. Hopefully I'm on my way back up. Re: belief, I started life as a Catholic, got married the first time as an Orthodox, the second time as a Muslim and I'm probably now be closer to Buddhism than anything else. I do believe in God, though. Just not sure about the middle man.

Cheers Afa!

[Arsene]

Okay... Your D likes the Beatles, so there's that... At least we all know now that she's got a good base to live the rest of her life on!

Yeah, she's pretty cool that way. When she was 4 her favorite singer was Janis Joplin. Since then she's been through the Rolling Stones, Aerosmith, ACDC and lately, the Beatles and Greenday. Heck, at her age I didn't even listen to music.

And Arsene... We all feel your pain here. And I don't think there's a one of us who wouldn't take it all away from you in a moment if we could.

But maybe that wouldn't be right... As I'm beginning to realize... It's these moments of pure, raw, and sometimes ultra-painful emotions that separate us from the rest...

The fight that you're fighting is a rare one... So So many people in your (our) situation would have given up long ago... thrown in the towel and decided to just count our losses...

I just wanted to let you know personally how these words of yours have helped me/are helping me through this.

And maybe one day we'll be there... Or maybe we won't...

But no matter WHAT happens... You'll be able to look back at this period of your life and KNOW, with 100% certainty, that you gave it everything you had.

Yeah, that is one thing I know for sure. No matter how things evolve from here, I will never regret what I'm doing now. I'm not sure W can say the same with certainty.

And my favorite part about all this... Is that you D will see that too... She'll see the man that you're becoming. She'll be basing HER future relationships on the example that YOU'RE setting TODAY... She'll be seeking out the strength that you're showing... the resolve that you're giving... and the love that you're willing to give against all odds...

And if NOTHING else comes of the hard work you're doing... Just remember how amazing an example you're setting for your D here.

So stay strong for her.

She is my pillar of strength, but I need to make sure I'm there for her and I don't rely on her for support. I know she doesn't seem as affected as I am but I'm sure that lots is going on inside that pretty little head of hers.

But don't worry about the occasional total F-ing meltdowns that you may have... as we ALL go through them.

I KNOW that you'll come out the other end as a better man.

A better father.

And a shining example for your D.

Thanks mate!!!

[Arsene]

Couldn't sleep at all last night so I canceled immigration with W this morning.

Now, what to do tonight? and tomorrow morning?

D8 told me this morning that she had asked her mom why she wasn't staying here with us. I guess the revelation will occur tonight. I wonder how much W will tell D8. Should I be here?

Mates are meeting for drinks after work tonight but I don't really want to be in the same house with W while under the influence of even just a few drinks. Besides, I took my first A/D this morning. I fear/dread/hope for a nice talk with W. Weird feeling.

I think I'll just come home after work and take it as it comes.

[tori2012]

Arsene, I'm sorry you're going through this. I wish I could do something...I do have some ideas/thoughts for you. First, sleep is so important to battle depression. I know it's hard to stop the stream of thoughts that come to your head when you lie down, but maybe try to read something relaxing before bed?
Also, maybe your W's conversation with your D won't be as bad as you're picturing it. After all, it's her daughter, and she loves her, so I doubt she'll say something traumatizing. I think it's good that she explains what is happening to the girl, and that it would be good for you to be there. I would not drink any alcohol prior to the meeting or any time you're taking meds.
Good luck. I have you in my prayers.

[Arsene]

Also, maybe your W's conversation with your D won't be as bad as you're picturing it. After all, it's her daughter, and she loves her, so I doubt she'll say something traumatizing. I think it's good that she explains what is happening to the girl, and that it would be good for you to be there. I would not drink any alcohol prior to the meeting or any time you're taking meds.
Good luck. I have you in my prayers.

Yes, I agree with you. I guess in my mind, it's much easier to live in denial if no one knows (I know. I AM in denial). Once she starts telling everyone (her family, our daughter, etc..) it becomes real and perhaps more difficult for her to come back (I know. It IS real). I know it has to come to that at one point but I guess I was hoping we might have a chance to fix things before it did get to that.

I will come home after work. I want to be there for D8 if she needs me.

Thanks Tori.

[unbidden]

Arlene, I totally get this and totally felt the same way, like if nobody ever knew or talked about the situation then maybe things would be ok or they would change back before anybody really knew about the S. but, as Byron Katie says, we only understand when we understand and it's ok to feel what you feel and don't fault yourself for the denial. It's a lot healthier than other possible responses.

[Arsene]

we only understand when we understand

Yeah, and I'm still not sure I understand, so I guess I don't, yet. As for denial, I knew all along what I was doing. I never denied that I was in denial re: my sitch. I guess you might call it a voluntary denial.

What a tough lesson to learn, and a tough way to learn it.

[unbidden]

I even denied that it was denial. I told myself that I accepted the sitch but just didn't agree with it