Here we go again...

[leopoldstotch]

*She doesn’t know what to do. She again said she’s not running to a lawyer to get a divorce.

Ok SG this is good. This tells me that you have time. Use it wisely.

*She asked how I’ve been and again commented on how I seem to be doing well. I told her that I’m taking this time for me and to work on myself. She said there’s nothing wrong with me and that I’m not the “crazy one” (referring to herself). I told her everyone has something they can work on if they look inside themselves. She said I’ve been all “yoda like” being understanding and asking her how she feels (validation/empathizing seems to be noticed!!)

So the DBing is working. Remember don't stop what is working.

*She feels trapped In a cage. She isn’t sure she likes being married (not just to me, but married in general). She doesn't like having to think of another person’s feelings instead of just her own. She doesn't like having to check in with what someone else wants to do. She said we have very different wants in life and that I enjoy these aspects of marriage while she doesn’t. (I’m not sure how to take this information, or what to do with it… if she truly fundamentally doesn’t like being married there’s not a lot I can change)

This is something I hit on in an earlier post to you. Right now your W is overwhelmed with everything. We even discussed a possible OM but right now it's speculation. All you have to go by is her word that she is being truthful. I wouldn't get upset over what she said about not liking being married. She may not like it today SG or tomorrow or even a month from now but the fact she isn't seeking a D right now says a lot to me. It tells me she is thinking.

*She said we can’t stay in our current situation indefinitely. She again brought up separation, this time with more of a plan. She said that she can’t stay in the house. She said that from past experience she knows that I won’t give up the house. Her options were.
1. She moves closer to the city and gets a 1 bedroom apartment and we find home daycare for S.
2. She moves closer to the city and gets a 1 bedroom apartment and her friend watches S at her apartment for reasonable price. (I am 100% opposed to this. Her friend is bi-polar, recently checked herself into a mental clinic because she was going to commit suicide, etc.)
3. She gets an apartment closer to home and S stays in the same daycare. She said she doesn’t really want to go this route because it won’t help her figure out if she really wants to live closer to the city)

You cannot stop her from separating from you. As hard as it may be if that is what she wants then you have to let her go and you must do it with strength and dignity. I wouldn't move out of the house if I were you since she is the one who is questioning the marriage. You don't have to be cruel about it if she brings up you moving. My W tried that with me last year and I told her I wasn't going to leave the house that she would have to and I did it very calm and matter of fact. Pissed her off but I see it as cake walking.

(I have no idea how to handle separation. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I’m so confused. I don’t know how she’ll care for S in a 1 bedroom apartment. I don’t want her to leave the house…I’m terrified it will push us further apart. She said another friend’s ex-husband forbade separation and her friend thinks they may not have gotten divorced if he hadn’t pushed her to make a decision. What do I do???)

Not gonna lie it [censored] but after some time you get used to the separation. In fact you may come to enjoy it. This is the time to work on you and do the things that you enjoy. If you do separate I've no doubt that you will survive. How was your life before you met and married your W? I'll bet you had a great time with friends so use this time to do those things again. She is not your life SG. Yes you love her but you do have a life without her it's inside you somewhere. Do not think that your identity and self worth is wrapped up in her because it's not!

*She has an interview setup with a potential new employer that would pay more.

I find that odd. Didn't you say she hates her job?

* She said we need to learn to communicate even of it isn't for our relationship. She said we'll be in contact for years to come because of S, so we need to communicate better. I agreed and said that I saw this as one of our faults... We're horrible communicators and need to fix that either way. (I almost brought up Retrovaille. There’s one in our area in 2.5 weeks. This comment may be what it would take to get her there. What do you all think??)

Your W is right. Let's just say you two D wouldn't it be better for all three of you (your S included)to get along? Why don't you be the one to lead her then? Be the communicator and if she is not clear with some thing instead of getting angry, tell her she needs to be clear you cannot read minds. Remember this, communication is also about the tone in which you speak to her. Retrovaille may a good option. I would talk to her about it but DO NOT pressure her to go. Talk to her about it once and if she says no drop it. You already know she does not want to be pressured she told you that.

SG my friend this will not be easy but with a lot of patience and GAL you can get through this one way or another. Lastly I think you should read bustorama's story as it is very similar to yours. It's a long read but is full of great advice. Please read it it's worth it. http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304