I am not the most computer literate person, but I think I put the link to my old thread in here.
I am looking at gaining some insight into something else that I am battling with. My w seems to think that we will spend the childrens' b-days together, and do Christmas morning together among other things. Part of me thinks I should, but I am conflicted. We are not one big happy family anymore, I don't want to say no for the sake of the children. The reality is, if we can't make this work, at some point there will be someone else in each of our lives. Can't imagine they would feel to comfortable Christmas morning with a XW there. I am not looking at this to teach her a lesson, almost more of a reality check, for both us. Either way, it will be hard for me. What is best for the kids?
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
I am looking at gaining some insight into something else that I am battling with. My w seems to think that we will spend the childrens' b-days together, and do Christmas morning together among other things. Part of me thinks I should, but I am conflicted. We are not one big happy family anymore, I don't want to say no for the sake of the children. The reality is, if we can't make this work, at some point there will be someone else in each of our lives. Can't imagine they would feel to comfortable Christmas morning with a XW there.
Same sitch for me. W seems content to keep doing all family events as if we're still together. For now there's no OP in the picture and W and I are getting along great, so I don't have a problem continuing to do things jointly with the kids. It's certainly not in keeping with the spirit of detachment, but I think it makes the kids feel better to see us together and it gives me an opportunity to show PMA/ 180's to W.
As for what will happen if/ when OP is in the picture, I don't know. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it!
For what it's worth, I have spent holidays much the same as we always had for the past 2 years.
I felt the same way you did. H and I were getting along great, kids enjoyed spending time with family and I was able to show H the "new" me.
Things changed this past week when H introduced S to OW. I no longer feel I can be at holiay funtions as a "family". The majority have always been at H's family's homes and I don't think I can deal with seeing OW there. He hasn't said specifically he was bringing her but he didn't specifically say he was introducing S to her and did anyway.
I am sad I will not be able to spend that time with my children or with H's family who I love with all my heart but that's the reality of my divorce and how it will be going forward. We worked out a preliminary holiday schedule weeks ago. I told H at that point I would have no problem keeping holiday traditions in tact until he brought someone else into the picture and then I would proceed with the new schedule.
I would say continue on until you can't. No harm in giving your children some more good memories as long as you're comfortable.
M:45/H43 T:21/M19 D:18 S:11 Bomb:8/10- I'm just not "happy" H Moves in with mom: 8/10 H Files: 3/11 Now lives with? OW/GF no clue Nothing finalized...
As long as you keep in mind that this is about the kids and the family element, and not really about you, I think you're fine. It's another example of being strong for your kids and showing them that their 2 parents can get along during these times of year no matter what the marital circumstances. I think it's kind of a morphing process.
I don't think you want to simply cut out the family gathering element to Christmas cold turkey if you can help it. Holidays like this are not really the time to show your W a reality check. A nice reality check is on a random Tuesday night in April when OM and her get into a fight, she has nothing to do, misses her kids terribly on her off night with them, and you and your kids are busy out getting ice cream or something and she's missing out on it. That's when these things hit them.
Don't tell her that though. Let her find that out on her own.
Regardless, if you do wind up divorced, eventually, yes, an new OP will enter into the picture on the holidays. But just like you (or anyone) might in general question when to bring someone new around the holidays to meet their family, you and she can simply tread carefully if an OP will start to be around at holiday/birthday time.
You will likely not want to spend holidays with the OP, nor vice versa, though I have seen that before.
But if that time comes, you prep the kids in advance for how things will be different. You prep yourself in advance for how things will be different. You look back and say, well, I knew our typical family gatherings wouldn't last forever, but I cherish the extra ones we did get to have as family despite our circumstances.
I'd avoid looking too far ahead in the future on this. You really don't know what the future holds.
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
