I don't have the book, but I've read parts of it online. I'm not sure more fighting would have benefited our particular sitch, probably would have hurt it. When I was able to get W to open up about what she felt the problems in our M were, most of them centered around arguments (fights) we had had.
Not fights, lol, (I know, I used that word too) but constructive arguments. Ones that actually resolve issues.
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I'm extremely assertive and am the type to get issues resolved immediately rather than letting them stew. But W is the opposite. It's easy for people like us to go parent-child in arguments. But since learning about this I've been working on communicating to her adult-adult and it's worked quite well.
Which is where you and I differ. You said one of your issues was yelling at the wife and kids, where as I NEVER yelled, and preferred to "keep the peace" at all costs, which made me appear un confident or weak. She really never fought much either, but the few times she did, my calm refusal to engage would only infuriate her even more! The bottom line is we need to improve our conflict resolution skills, which is one of the things I've been working on.
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Because happiness, sadness, anger, etc. are all fleeting. We need to find a place where we can be content regardless of our emotions. I think in a lot of ways that’s what DB’ing is about- teaching us to be content with our situation regardless of what our spouse is doing. Because if we’re content, we will be fine whether the spouse returns or not, and we will be fine no matter how long we decide to stand.
Agreed, and excellent point. I know I was quite content before BD, then went into a tailspin upon hearing The Speech, and now have steadily been becoming more and more content, even with the knowledge that my wife may never recommit to the marriage.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
