In the past, I've written about the reasons for my situation, taking some of the blame, but putting most at the feet of my W. I justified my behavior as a reasonable response to my life's events - three kids, two jobs, etc. - and maybe they are reasonable or "normal". But they are all choices I made. And I could have made others.
What my W needs, and has always needed, is a calm, steady husband who doesn't over-react and who gives her the space and independence she needs. Someone who gives what he can without fuss and draws and holds reasonable lines about things he won't do. I simpleton could do it better than I. And he'd be rewarded with the love of a strong, beautiful woman.
It's possible I am am co-dependant or have GAD or ROCD. Maybe I just don't have what it takes to be a better or superior man and "hold on to my NUTS". I wish I had 100% trust in my W. And I wished I had 100% faith that we'd make it no matter what - because we probably would have. Whatever it is it is a shame, because I wasn't always like this and it's made our M less than it could have been.
I see the "skills" in my friends, my brother, and in what I read. Strong men who would handle the bumps of my M with little trouble, or avoided them altogether with a smile and a laugh. But while I have plenty of other skills I can not get over the fear of losing my W. And that's pushing her away.
We've had some good times lately, and more to come I hope. But I've come to wonder how other men came upon the "right stuff", that secret ingredient that makes men strong husbands and fathers. Why am I so introspective and anxious in this one part of my life, while handling everything else well?
