Here we go again...

[someguy1233]

W and I talked last night. She said that when she sent me the “meeting request” yesterday morning she had a whole plan of what she wanted to say. But when we sat down her brain was “scattered” and she wasn’t sure what to say.

It was a calm conversation. Almost like two old friends having a chat.

I’ve outlined her main points below and my thoughts in parenthesis.
*She doesn’t know what to do. She again said she’s not running to a lawyer to get a divorce.

*Her email exchange with her mom yesterday made her furious. She felt her mom was using our S as a way to make her feel guilty for thinking about breaking up the family. But she understood that her mom was trying to get her to “pump the brakes” and slow down before making a quick decision. She said she’s pumped the brakes. She’s trying not to make a rash decision.

*She asked how I’ve been and again commented on how I seem to be doing well. I told her that I’m taking this time for me and to work on myself. She said there’s nothing wrong with me and that I’m not the “crazy one” (referring to herself). I told her everyone has something they can work on if they look inside themselves. She said I’ve been all “yoda like” being understanding and asking her how she feels (validation/empathizing seems to be noticed!!)

*She plans to see a therapist for herself, but not the same therapist she saw last time. I told her that it’s not uncommon for people to try numerous different therapists until they find someone that works for them.

*She feels trapped In a cage. She isn’t sure she likes being married (not just to me, but married in general). She doesn't like having to think of another person’s feelings instead of just her own. She doesn't like having to check in with what someone else wants to do. She said we have very different wants in life and that I enjoy these aspects of marriage while she doesn’t. (I’m not sure how to take this information, or what to do with it… if she truly fundamentally doesn’t like being married there’s not a lot I can change)

*She said we can’t stay in our current situation indefinitely. She again brought up separation, this time with more of a plan. She said that she can’t stay in the house. She said that from past experience she knows that I won’t give up the house. Her options were.
1. She moves closer to the city and gets a 1 bedroom apartment and we find home daycare for S.
2. She moves closer to the city and gets a 1 bedroom apartment and her friend watches S at her apartment for reasonable price. (I am 100% opposed to this. Her friend is bi-polar, recently checked herself into a mental clinic because she was going to commit suicide, etc.)
3. She gets an apartment closer to home and S stays in the same daycare. She said she doesn’t really want to go this route because it won’t help her figure out if she really wants to live closer to the city)

(I have no idea how to handle separation. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I’m so confused. I don’t know how she’ll care for S in a 1 bedroom apartment. I don’t want her to leave the house…I’m terrified it will push us further apart. She said another friend’s ex-husband forbade separation and her friend thinks they may not have gotten divorced if he hadn’t pushed her to make a decision. What do I do???)

*She has an interview setup with a potential new employer that would pay more.

* She said we need to learn to communicate even of it isn't for our relationship. She said we'll be in contact for years to come because of S, so we need to communicate better. I agreed and said that I saw this as one of our faults... We're horrible communicators and need to fix that either way. (I almost brought up Retrovaille. There’s one in our area in 2.5 weeks. This comment may be what it would take to get her there. What do you all think??)