i read the link and above. it's ALOT of stuff to mull over. i can see there are stages- i also see i'm probably at the resentment stage you describe (loosely construed) where it simmers in and out. and i'm okay alot of the time then spin off out of control (emotionally -privately).
I do see - i do (kind of agree) with everyone and their individual input. it's such a personal thing- this voyage. All the elements are there for everyone in different amounts & intensities.
i am ocd about defining things if i can- my comfort zone. naming the enemy- giving it a face. i can then formulate a plan (something like that)
I don't find myself asking "why" anymore- so that must be something. i noticed it when someone in the link was saying the "whys" end. I wonder sometimes if it is because we've gotten into some routine that still has each other in our lives and no one has run out the door. that DOES NOT mean one darn thing tho. does and doesn't give any security as to "future".
my impulse answer is true love- it's boring as hell but deeeeeep. (we have it- whether he knows it - or will ever acknowledge something like that (he's got(and ALWAYS HAD) an enormous case about the word, use, meaning & the existence of love ) i still may end up chucked out the window- i fear i always will believe in love) wah wah i fear he never will- sad for him.
my thoughtful answer may be that (in this crappy sitch) we've got a habit/addiction - either to each other- the old "security" , whatever. something more superficial and maybe more "real". we both may be kidding ourselves - me by thinking he is mlc- him thinking i'll "swallow" it all (forever???) he is nutty enough to think it- we're both incredibly stubborn...
My own addiction to self improvement & knowing (me)& what's going on with me & my life - my lifetime of "working" on me- an obsession really. (i don't know if good to think i'm not perfect or beyond flaws & contribution to problems ) or bad - selfish? ) maybe i'd say if i have a giant neurosis it's this thing of (never having) but WANTING some certainty & security. human condition huh? looking for "ground under our feet" in an uncertain world. I can either crucify myself or be philosophical - like everything else it comes down to this: i've felt it A MILLION TIMES. EVERY SINGLE THING IS EITHER INCREDIBLY SIMPLE OR INCREDIBLY COMPLEX- AND doesn't really MATTER which. "answer" equally hard to come by. i'm probably buddhist btw - i do think we're all one and everyone wants to be happy - and should be. i think sometimes we're all the very same entity - possibly-
I know but do not like knowing that i am the only guy i can be sure of in life. Even my "best" sister became an adult that was changeable- who ever "knows" who is the REAL person inside? the one they were - or became - or immersed in their own addictions? i struggle with that one - would the real _______ please stand up. it seems important to KNOW - it may be unknowable.
i feel compelled to try and help- to fix, make happy- try to understand, bekind, etc.
oh yeah- my other addiction- TOOO F'ING ANALYTICAL in life about people - relationships, etc. I NEED TO SHUT UP THIS BRAIN......
i'd say my dad dying when i was 18 and the reality that someone as big and safe as your dad could die (THE GUY that took care of us all) - well- you can see where that goes. I would not say it ever disabled me- i go around being all tough and "i can either do this or endure it" - i know it's there tho- the knowledge
IN MY R - my take would be we each mean too much to the other to just disappear or want to- HOWEVER - it could be merely habit. i know for me- i cannot say if i'd run rite out if i met someone else satisfactory... who knows til at that point. i cannot imagine it - yet after this dump-on-me-fest - it sounds mighty nice to be liked for yourself instead of reverse - who knows??
? . He has this ow thing going on- which he's prepared to throw over his whole life with me for- what does that mean? YET - he has not walked out - he certainly could have at any point in last ten or whatever years he's been "unhappy". HE HOLDS ALLLL THE CARDS - well, legally & financially. of course emotionally i can take myself out of the picture at time too- now that i know "what it really is" - but what the heck is it - really???
i even wonder - at the end of the day- if the mlc thing is real or a convenient fabrication (lable) for us all. when i read the description- a litebulb went on over my head. i could be wrong tho and it could merely be cheating for fun and because i've made it sooooo very easy for him to do.
i can't even analyze our r any more. i can see things about both of us good and bad- i can't care about it anymore and can also see that i'm working on me more . LETTING GO of a heck of alot of crappola there.
PARTIAL problem with progress is that i decided much like Mach1 that i would "shut up and give this a try" for an undertermined but limited time" and see what was what. loosely- "til i had something better going on" to be "going to". whatever that might be.
at the very beginning a friend who went thru something similar but stayed with h - said her 3-times divorced lawyer (woman) said to her "don't be too anxious to rush out the door. look at the familiarity & "security?" (even with problems) of life you're in and what is "out there". You may be rushing right out to nothing at all . "THINK LONG AND HARD ABOUT WHAT EXACTLY YOU ARE RUSHING TO - BEFORE YOU DO IT" it stuck in my head big time.
so me huh? hopelessly prudent - whether i should be or not - who knows???
i'm getting "lost" here.
grief & disbelief were my overriding initial responses (phases). honestly- i am amazed i survived the sheeer pain & mental "fog". yay me...
some months later i made the decision to give db "a try" - because quite frankly the why why why, how could he , how could he- should i leave, should i stay- was all driving me nuts.
i had not yet accepted - but i was willing to set aside a bit of the judging the insanity & injustice a bit to just stop that constant internal dialog. it's better- not all gone. made a sign this morning saying "stop thinking" to remind myself sometimes to just quit it if i get going there.
sometimes i blame us both-
i have an addiction i need to conquer. as i see it. everything in the universe aside- i turned a blind eye to this guy's quirkie selfishness becasue it wasn't directed at me. i misread & reconfigured to suit myself & my little world. i see the "sham" - . i was very happy to be the object of his ocd. now i'm not- i'm not too happy about it. it felt very nice- do i accept a bit of it only? am i thinking i'm holding out for something that will never come again??? is this in fact mlc? or am i still deluding myself and it's OVER totally. anyone's call.
since he is still here (despite how much I'VE made him "unhappy"(????)and how unfettered he's always kept himself legally ) and i'm still here in spite of how much i wonder if he's worth it or not- mlc or not- just a stupid cheating jerk or a nice guy going thru "something" - - i assume we have some unfathomable "something" linking us -
SOOOO- REAL ISSUE IS - AM I CRAZY OR NOT??? who knows? all the people i know that are truly certifiable - as in, by the mental health authorities - don't know it. ta da.....
i can forgive myself for being all of the above- i think we're all just human and want the same things. none of us perfect. I did try my best (even if i see my limits and shortcomings - my heart loved unstintingly). i still believe in love and that counts for something (alot? - all?)
if he cannot give me the benefit of the doubt in judging me- then we are doomed and it's his problem if he cannot value (if it's the only thing here in question) a essentially good person who might have loved him soo unqualifiedly. to me- it seems like a very good thing. to him perhaps it is soul-sucking (my words) undesireable. difference in people.. - he's entitled to his feelings too.
immersed in simultaneous phone w/sister over my mom's misplaced trust ($$$) in my older sister- need to blow- sorry for dis-jointed & long "rant"?? xxo
