Thanks to everyone for your suggestions and feedback.
I'm a bit calmer now. Can't control everything.
Tonight I miss H and feel lonely again. Darn it. But, I will get through it. I had a nice day despite all the frustration. The girls and I went to Hobby Lobby and came home and painted tons of gravestones and heads to put on spikes! Good, wholesome family fun!!
Had a couple good responses to my Dinner Etiquette Workshop for Kids.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I read some of Pittman's book tonight and it wasn't as bad as I anticipated. There were some parts about the whole "in love" thing that made me a little queasy...but also read about affairs where the infidel is at a transition in his/her life and is at a crossroads with addiction or what-have-you. The infidel finds another addict to act as a partner in crime. The relationship may not be about sex, but rather keeping the addiction going--retreating from reality and all the people who will confront the addict on the addiction. The couple can retreat and live their crazy lifestyle. The sex may not even be very good, but after months of a friendship--there may be this feeling that sex is necessary to keep the relationship alive. If not, the infidel has to face reality and the fact he/she has a problem only he/she can fix.
This really fits for my situation. I'm thinking this may be the truth based on some things H has said. And, I have to admit, I feel better.
Pittman discusses how even romantic affairs aren't based on real love--and that infidels frequently find affair sex disappointing and will admit it's not as good as sex with a spouse. But, once entrenched and, especially, after the infidel alienates friends and family, the infidel may feel trapped--stuck. Can't go home because those bridges are burned and the addict will have to give up the lifestyle/drugs. Sounds fun doesn't it?
I'm fine once I see that no MLC, drugs or OW can soil our connection. What we had in the past still exists and no one and nothing can take that away. Regardless of what happens in the future, I feel better knowing I didn't imagine what we had. It wasn't as screwed up as H has been trying to convince everyone. We were blessed and he won't have that with anyone else but me, no matter how many drugs are involved.
Just wish I hadn't prolonged this nightmare with all my crazy begging, crying, sobbing, pleading, raging... for the past 8 months. But, I'm accepting those things I cannot change.
Night all--might even be able to sleep tonight,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, I'm glad you're feeling a little better. I haven't heard of that book, but I think I'm going to look into it. No matter what, you'd wish that you did things differently earlier. Just be thankful you started when you did.
You know that you had a good M. Your H is trying to convince himself he wasn't happy so that his present choices will make sense to him.
Take care of yourself and try not to think about H too much. I need to take that advice myself, so I know how hard that is, but I'm sure you can do it.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
I'm feeling overwhelmed but not nearly as bad as yesterday. The girls and I had fun last night and even the D18 is getting excited about the party. As each thing gets done, it doesn't seem so unmanageable. I need to turn this over to God today.
The parking lot accident seems to be handled. My Dad managed to get in a few zingers here and there, but, for the most part I was able to let it go. He's going to pay the money for the repair and D18 will have to pay him back. He is picking up his truck on Thursday afternoon which will make things a whole lot more challenging for us, but we will figure it out somehow. Feeling a little resentful about him not letting me have the truck another month--he his Cadillac, her BMW, his Ferrari, and two other vintage cars--but he seems to think he needs it back. So, OK. And, the man has forked over about $15,000 to help me get this business going which I will forever be grateful for.
Have some hits on my dinner etiquette workshop. I am offering a special one for kids on the Autism Spectrum and I'm getting a lot of positive feedback. Will try to promote some more today.
Touched based with each of my students' moms yesterday and seems everyone is happy.
Haven't texted. Haven't heard anything. A little disappointed--had a feeling he would reach out yesterday, this morning and he didn't. C'est la vie.
Thanks to all,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I just logged into our joint checking account. Nothing happened, no surprises, but I still nearly had a panic attack. Just talking, logging into or doing anything we did as a couple brings me to the point of a nervous breakdown. Like I'm waiting for another punch in the stomach.
Anyone else feel this way?
Hard to imagine ever R when I feel so terrified of H and what he will do next.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I felt that way for a long time, it does pass as you get your feet under you with all this garbage from WAS. You will get there, just keep working on accepting, detaching and YOU. Dig for the great "you" that can deal with anything life throws at you.
She is in there....
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Oh yes, Absolute terror - even when doing routine stuff I did while married, like paying bills on-line. Over it now, but it has left me with a residual fear of getting mail that I still have to fight.
it is crazy - a letter on the mat that I can't identify even now makes me feel bad. I get by it fast, but I used not to be that way.
i want to come for tea. you're obviously an english-fantasy gal like myself. love - my fantasy is sooo like yours, well, don't know what to say to that. love the coutnry- gardens- weather- hobbies - even the soggy chips- lov eit all. i know- it's my own place to crawl into in my brain(but hey- i may win that damn lottery- then look out - cottage in the cotswolds) or should it be yorkshire? or somerset- or east anglia- each has their charm.
oh well- just had to stop in because of your marple description(have read and reread all of her books- junky- pilchard- binchy- etc. love it all- my fallback method of sleeping is playing an ancient tape of sunmmer wine (i've seen it fifty gazillion times) but can't stay awake past first few min of each show- it's bizarre but working so far. fingers crossed.
sorry you're here- i don't think i'll ever have an aga- i may someday (if win lottery) have a wonderful giant brithsh kitchen with a view of a wonderful hilly field, hedgerows & w/ sheep here and there- or next to an old norman church yard - dream on
hang in there- one of these decades we will all be "free" of this angst - one way or the other. one can only hope huh?
that's it for me- dreary nite- going to go find an ancient british comedy or something to watch. hulu here i come...
