Staying off the ride 2 - Leaning Back

[labug]

I have to ask as I've never seen it used, is ansas a shortcut for answers? I get it in context, but it's unfamiliar to me. I admit I'm not up on all the latest.

I'm not bothered if he doesn't tho would like to know what time he is thinking of coming over.

This line stood out.

Really?

And if you are bothered, it's OK to admit that and say "but I'm working on that."

I would be bothered, as it's something my H would do, and still does.

How does it make you feel? Can you name the feeling?

Is it your problem or his problem?

[Wendylon]

Labug, 'ansas' makes sense as shorthand if you say 'answers' with a British accent. It is common here.

Tumbling, I think Labug's questions are excellent and look forward to your next post.

[labug]

Gotcha, thanks.

[Tumbling]

Hi Wendylon and Labug thanks for visiting,

So after I posted earlier, I had a busy afternoon at work and then went for early supper before Spanish class. That finished at 2100hrs and then I drove home. Chkd my phone and guess what?
H had written
"Good night Tumbling Punkydo. Sweet dreams x" (In Spanish!!!!)
Wendylon surely that has to be worth more than standard (6)?!

Questions I am afraid of:
How do you feel about us?
How do you feel about me coming home?
What are we going to do?

The truthful answer is
I don't know. I haven't really been thinking about it.
I miss you sometimes. I don't want our marriage to fail but I just don't know right now how I feel about that

I can take it or leave it sometimes.

See, I am confused re reconciliation options
a) go slow, see what happens (past 2 yrs we've tried to force it and then he does some crazy action that hurts me and sets us back)

b) he moves home - if we are doing this, we are doing this
(cept I really love my life right now and not sure how I feel about him in it anymore - is that what GAL is supposed to do?)

Labug re not being bothered:
He said he would phone before Thursday coming over
I am not bothered if he phones or not
He can text his ETA, that's what I meant
I am not hanging on a phonecall

Looking at this - what happened tonight re spanish text.
It seems if I leave space H checks in.
I am always ok no matter what and that's what I have to remember

[tori2012]

See? Giving him space is working!

If I were you, I would take things really slowly. Moving in together now would be premature. You two need to spend more time together doing something relaxing and not talking about your M. That's my take.

I like what I hear. Glad to see someone's sitch is actually improving!

[Tumbling]

So it's 5am here. I've been awake since 230am. Funny dreams that I will blame on the wine at supper.

I remember Alkaline Thoughts preparing for his W coming to collect stuff and I want to be ready in case the R stuff comes up. It will be the elephant in the room afterall.

Here goes with my potential responses.
Feel free to amend.

1. He states he wants to divorce

Well, that's not what I want but it's probably for the best as we can't go on like this. I'd prefer to remain married as I believe we could fix this but if that's what you want then I won't stand in your way.

2. He asks how I feel about reconciling

I'm not sure how I feel about that.
We would have to spend time talking about what didn't work in the past, agree what a new relationship would look like and how to get there, for me to even consider it.

I'm in a really good place right now and as much as I don't want to divorce, I don't want to have our old marriage (it's dead anyway) nor rerun what we've been doing the past two years. I don't have the energy. What about you?

3. Anything else
Mmm. I'll have to think about that
That's an interesting idea. I haven't thought about it that way.

4. What do you want?
I want an open, honest relationship with someone who loves and respects me like I love and respect them. Someone who shares my values, someone who wants to hang out with me and who wants to work w me to create a relationship that is right for both of us. What about you?

5. other from me
I see the role I played in you leaving and I am sorry, I have worked and continue to work on my Self so I'm a better partner in the future with whoever I have a relationship with.

We have about 12hrs to get my ansas (answers) prepared and attitude strong on the inside, soft on the outside.

Thanks in advance for any help

[labug]

I get ansas now, but thanks for the translation.

[tori2012]

Tumbling, it's too bad you didn't sleep well, esp before your conversation. I like the fact that you say, "I'll think about that" to some of the possible scenarios. That's the thing to do.

If he says he wants to D, I would try to delve a little into his real feelings. Maybe he's trying to see your reaction? Maybe he wants to see if you've given up. If he brings up reconciling, it's good to be honest and be clear you will have to take things slowly.

I think that most important of all, you should make the encounter positive, and do not feel pressured to make any final decisions yet. This is the first of many possible conversations in the future. As I've said before, I see hope for the two of you. I don't know why, but I do. Let's see if I am right :-)

BEST OF LUCK!!

[Wendylon]

Hi Tumbling,

Your ansas sound great. Make sure you do more listening than talking.

Are you prepared for the two of you just having a fun, relaxing evening with no R talk? I think that would be positive. Are you prepared for the get-together to be short and maybe feel a bit anti-climactic? Are you prepared for him making an excuse and postponing the evening? I just want to make sure you're not going into this with lots of expectations.

I think you can double the count when text is in Spanish!

I'll be thinking of you this evening and look forward to your report. Good luck! Maybe re-read the 37 rules before.

[labug]

Tumbling, I agree with Wendylon. See what unfolds and ask questions to gain more insight and information. Nothing need be decided in this one evening.

Try to let go of the control and allow things happen as they do. There is a meditation, soften, surrender and allow that I sometimes do to slow myself and turn the control knob to low. I wanted very much to know what was going to happen in all my interactions BEFORE they happened and would rehearse what the questions might be and what my response should be and then what their response would be, on and on.

Needless to say, by doing that I was controlling the interaction and often got what I expected. More of the same.

Fear kept me from allowing the conversation to flow, kept me from asking questions when I feared the answers.

Fear kept me stuck.