I am starting a third post as I am over the response limit of 100 and also because I think I am in a new phase after several months.
The last few days have come with some health challenges that add to the stress level but do not change where my W and I are in our M.
I did break down and share my PSA results with my W this morning. It is something I just dont feel good about hiding, but also do not want to add more stress to the situation. The bottom line is that I have made plans to get assistance through the process without her as I dont really know if she is willing or able to partner with me through his process. It pains me to this this way, but on any given day I still get the distinct impression she has a different life in mind and she is happier in that life without me. Maybe it is fog or maybe it is reality. Either way, I need to beat this for me and for my kids.
The change I am noticing is that the level of anger is not as quickly reached in our discussions, but almost always gets there eventually. We can have regular conversations but anything R related usually ends up with a point of reaching anger and shutting down. I do not initiate these and try to remain calm and reassuring during them.
Regardless, overall I feel that we are at a point of stagnation. Not moving forward and not moving back. She might describe being paralyzed and I might describe it as waiting on the unknown. We both are not moving together.
I am working on my 180's but I am still struggling with the feedback that she feels I am still not present for her. She also has told me she does not trust telling me her true feelings -- although I have not confided in anyone -- not family, friends or anybody when she and I have talked.
I am lost on how to repair those things or improve myself in such a way that she can see a reason for trust.
I also have my own issues of trust following the EA and for some reason those are not as relevant.
All things I have to sort out with the MC at this point. We have another session tomorrow.
In the meantime, I am paddling the direction I chose which was to work on myself and my relationship with my children and GAL when I can. There is no land in site, but I am paddling as strong as I have been since I started this process. Maybe I finally paddle to her boat, maybe I find land, or maybe I paddle for a long, long time. The point is I am not tired and not willing to not paddle at this point.
Thank you for your continued encouragement, guidance and support. It means a lot.
M:44 W:41 M: 12 yrs W's EA began 3/12 Somewhere between WAW and MLC Still in same house
