Lost and confused

[scaredsilly]

i had a neighbor, when i lived in west virginia, who did that. i lived in the country and he was as country as they get. he told me that his dog needed putting down so he shot it.

he said it was the worst thing he ever saw. he said he would never do that again.

sometimes, i think people don't realize how horrible something can be since they see things on tv and think that's reality (like war, fights, people dying, etc.). it's always much worse than the tv's show it to be.

i'm glad you turned him down. it could have ended badly.

[Soul.Searching]

I'm so confused. H just called and was asking me about the car and how it's running. Then he asked if the kids can have Friday off school because he might have Friday off and he won't see them for three weeks after that. I said I didn't really like it but as long as its a one off, it's up to him. He will have to work something else out next time. My S can't really "afford" to be having days off.

He asked if I am working Friday and I said yes, then he went to ask something but stopped. Then he asked,.... If he can drive me to work Friday and take the kids to the beach and then pick me up because it will be a more comfortable drive than his van. I went silent and didn't know what to say,... My reply end up being "well that's a bit strange." he asked why and I said " well were not together anymore" he said "yeah that's why I wasent going to ask"

He then said if I wasent working he was going to see if I would go with them to the beach.

There's another weird thing. The car is one we brought a couple of months back. In between when he left the first time for a few days and when he left again. The car was brought out of my tax money but H told everybody how he brought it for me. I just let it slide but this morning he said " You got my car back"
Okay so he did kinda pick the car based on what I wanted, he did come and look at it with me and even got the papers in his name.
It's almost like he actually thinks he brought it for me!!!

I feel bad saying he can't take it but at the same time, he thrashes it and I think even asking is stepping over a boundary. I just don't know if it is just because emotions are high right now. That's the hard part. Figuring out if emotions are playing a part in what I'm thinking/ feeling. Like excess emotions anyway.

Sorry for all the constant long posts. It helps me to go back and look at things. For the first time in my life, I find I have been forgetting things people say/ do.
It's like pregnancy/ new mother brain with a vengeance.

[Soul.Searching]

i had a neighbor, when i lived in west virginia, who did that. i lived in the country and he was as country as they get. he told me that his dog needed putting down so he shot it.

he said it was the worst thing he ever saw. he said he would never do that again.

sometimes, i think people don't realize how horrible something can be since they see things on tv and think that's reality (like war, fights, people dying, etc.). it's always much worse than the tv's show it to be.

i'm glad you turned him down. it could have ended badly.

Sorry I didn't see your post. Yeah I couldn't let it be done. As soon as he said it I got a terrible visual. That is haunting enough!

[Soul.Searching]

OMG I found a poem I wrote when I was 15 ( it had the date on it) I just cant believe how much I (now 29) can relate to a poem I wrote when I was 15.
I was going through a really rough time. I found out that the person I thought was my father, was not. (he never played the Part anyway.) the worst part was that I had never even seen a photo of my bio father. ( still haven't to this day.)
The poem is not the best but the words fit for how I'm feeling now.


Life

If you sit and think about it,
Life is really quite strange,
Then just when you think you've worked life out,
Everything seems to suddenly change.

When things change within yourself,
When your lost and there's no one there,
You've got no one to turn to,
Maybe you the only one to even care.

So when your all mixed up,
When you carn't work out what to do,
Then look inside yourself,
You will find your heart will always be true.

You will eventually work things out,
Although this may take a while,
Things will finally get better,
When they do, you can be happy and even smile.

The real true path to happiness,
Well I'm sorry but it's up to you to find,
The best way for you to do that,
Is to work things out in your own mind.

Look to your friends cause they will always be there,
Cause true friends are precious and rare,
Once a true friend is there,
You won't find anything to compare.


I wrote that when I was 15. About 5 months before I started dating H. Two totally different situations but I find it interesting that 15 year old me had a lot of the thoughts and feeling I have now. It just blew me away. Especially to find it now, hidden away in a folder when I haven't seen it for years.

[AnotherStander]

Then he asked if the kids can have Friday off school because he might have Friday off and he won't see them for three weeks after that.

Because he "might" have Friday off? What does this mean, that he's going to make all these plans and then bail on them at the last minute? Personally if it were me I would not take them out of school just so he can have a day with them, he should have planned that the previous weekend and then maybe a dinner date with them after school on Friday.

The car was brought out of my tax money but H told everybody how he brought it for me. I just let it slide but this morning he said " You got my car back"
Okay so he did kinda pick the car based on what I wanted, he did come and look at it with me and even got the papers in his name.

I would clear this up with him ASAP. Remind him it was bought with your tax money and urge him to transfer the paperwork into your name.

I feel bad saying he can't take it but at the same time, he thrashes it and I think even asking is stepping over a boundary.

Then don't let him take it. He needs to start feeling the inconvenience of his decision to leave. This is as good a time as any.

[Soul.Searching]

That's typical H! His life revolves around his job it's a pretty low paying job with crazy Ridiculous hours. That was one of our biggest problems. Even if we had plans, if work called he would drop whatever he was doing and go in. His on salary, so no extra money for the extra hours.
He is supposed to call tomorrow night to let me know if he is working or not. I have already told him yes but made sure he realizes this is a one off. Its going to be hard on the kids not seeing him for three weeks. But realistically I think he should be stepping up and telling work he can't do the second job. ( his going to one place for two weeks, coming back and going straight to another) but that would mean he would miss out on a "working holiday, all expenses paid)

His grandfather passed away a couple of years back, a day before he was due to go away for work. He called and organized not to go. The boss was fine with it. He then decided he would go and called his boss back. He drove six hours there, drove six hours back the morning of the funeral, got pissed came home passed out and left at 3 am to drive six hours back!!!


Im trying to get the papers but they seem to have disappeared!

I haven't really answered him about taking the car, just told him that was weird to ask lol. I don't want to push him further away but things can't just be the same as how they were. That's a huge ask IMO he left me!

[AJM]

If it helps, here's a link to the book. You can get it online when you have time to read. I think you'll find it interesting, but there is more to your story than any one book can hold at the moment, I think.
http://books.google.com/books/about/The_5_Love_Languages.html?id=ZAibPekZIRoC

What happened to him that you think he is repeating the story of his past?

I think something that you have already realized should be reiterated - this really isn't about you, is it? Not saying you were or are perfect, but it sounds like this is not about you or the kids. If that's the case, I think you have a very good handle on how you are handling things and a great perspective.

I'm not sure I agree that he is not ready to hear what you have to say. You know better of course, but when the time is right I think you should send it to him as your IC suggested. I think you should write it now anyway. Writing it is more for you to get your thoughts out than it is to help him. For now.

Meanwhile, separate yourself from the outcome and take care of you and your kids. It's not easy, but with the right perspective it can be done and done well.

Hang in there

AJ

[labug]

Just tell him you need the car.

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks AJ and Labug.
I received DR today so I think I'll start on that. Actually after I recieved it i mowed the lawn and did other stuff. If this was a week ago I would have been living for that book. I'll start it tomorrow after work. I'll check out the 5LL after that.

Well the family history is the men are alcoholics and the wives leave while the children are young. H's Dad was a bout 5 when his Mum left him with his dad.
H was about 7 or 8 when his Mum left him with his Dad. I just don't think that it is a coincidence that H left when our son is around the same age as H was, when his mum left him.
I think he was scared of history repeating itself but ultimately that is what he had done. He just changed the dynamics from the woman leaving to the man.

I actually did mention this to H on the phone a few days ago. He didn't answer but he didn't get angry either. I kinda said what I had to say, heard the silence and quickly changed the subject to diffuse any possible conflict. Hoping that it might actually hit home.
Maybe he would be ready to read a letter, to be completely honest, I think it's more fear on my part.
I did start R talks a few weeks back and H backed right off. The strange thing is, I only started those talks after he had been starting them.

I don't know it's after 1Am here, I think I need sleep lol
Hope that post even makes sense.

[Wendylon]

Hi Lisa,

Since you've told him your theory, I wouldn't do it again. He's probably less likely to take it in if you repeat it!

I think you'll find DR really helpful.