Still together but trying to save this

[AnotherStander]

I wish I could get all of her stuff together and get it out of here but there is a lot of furniture that is hers and I don't know what to do with it!

I was getting really tired of the "slow bleed" I was going through where my W was stopping by nearly every day to pick things up. I finally told her she just needed to get everything out and get it over with and that I'd help her if needed. She ended up taking a day off of work and got the rest out while I was at work. We talked about it the night before so I could make sure there weren't going to be any big surprises when I got home. It made detaching a lot easier once she had her stuff out and wasn't dropping by every day.

[PeteWyo]

W gave me a list of everything that she wants, now later and down the line. I guess it is a little sad to me. I feel like if at this point she is splitting stuff up in her head and asking for everything, there really is no going back. This is my opportunity though to just get everything out and stop that slow bleed. She offered to come get her things when I was there and as much as I want to see her, I'm not sure if that is a good idea. I think with the volume of things that need to be moved I am going to move them into a storage unit so she can come and get them whenever she has time. My only concern is that by doing that I am missing an opportunity to see her and show her all the things that I have done to better myself.

[AnotherStander]

My only concern is that by doing that I am missing an opportunity to see her and show her all the things that I have done to better myself.

Are you doing the LRT or just detachment? Because if you're doing detachment, that does not mean avoiding seeing her all the time.

[PeteWyo]

I am not going last resort. I am not the one that is avoiding her, she is avoiding me. She wants her things and I am not home usually when she can come pick them up. I'm not sure it would matter anyway. I've known her for 7 years and I've never seen her have this much resolve about anything.

[PeteWyo]

It is also frustrating because I get the distinct feeling that she is only avoiding me like this so it will make it easier to go through with this. Last time I talked to her (several weeks ago) she got very emotional. Ever since then it has been text messages and only when she needs something. She was the one that said she wanted to be friends and help each other out. I guess what she really meant was she wanted to abate her guilt. Sorry, I am a little angry about this whole thing today.

[PeteWyo]

So my W asked me in another text "how work was going and everything else". I want to tell her that I did decide to give up my largest client in an effort to have a better work-life balance and be happy. It is one of the things that I am doing to get me back in a place where I am happy with myself. Any suggestions. I was thinking about something like:

"Thanks for asking, I have made some changes actually that I think will be very good for me."

Thoughts?

[Denver_2010]

Ugg.. sorry I haven't been around much the past couple of days. I do have thoughts.

1) I think that your response to her text is very good. I hope that's what you sent.

2) I am seeing your W initiating contact with you more than she had been. Would you agree?

3) You should be in LRT. She is with another man and has stated that the M is over. MWD states that each of those are a circumstance where you should go LRT. I agree with her.

4) Let her pick her stuff up without you being there. You are not ready to have contact with her. That's my opinion. I actually think that you are making some progress here. She is initiating contact. Let's see if that increases by continuing to do what you have been doing.

5) While we may be seeing some progress, some interest in what is going on with you, nothing drastic is going to change as long as OM is in the picture.

6) No divorce paperwork has been filed (right?)... so nothing drastic is occurring on that end.

... So continue doing what you have been ... and be patient.

[PeteWyo]

Denver,

1) I ended up sending something a little more generic. I believe it was, 'Things are going very well thanks!'

2) She has not really been initiating contact all that much more. Only when she needs something or wants her things. I haven't really gotten an unsolicited text where she just wanted to say hi, how are you doing. e.g. She will say, 'Hey let me know when I can come get my things. How is everything going?'

3) LRT really won't do me a whole lot of good if she avoids contact with me like the plague.

4) I plan on getting it all together for her this weekend. I am going to probably rent out a storage unit so she can get it at her leisure. It is too much to take in one trip.

5) This is what kills me. There is no chance that he is going to be out of the picture. She defends him over everyone. You would think they were already married. I wish she would have defended me like that.

6) Nothing has been filed yet. I am getting to the point where I think I need to start getting that together. I need to protect myself. The sad truth is that if I served her papers she would most likely sign them quickly.

[Beardown]

Denver_2010,

I haven't received any feedback these past few days but have been reading a lot of posts. I have spent the better part of three days reading your sitch and am pumped to fight for my marriage. I love your logic...
Be the better man - This is where you apply all of the DB techniques that you read about.

GAL - this is about enjoying your own life and helps with detachment, but it is also about becoming a better person. A person who is not unhappy, predictable, and bitter towards your situation. Those are all unattractive qualities and don't help "being the better man". GAL helps you have a PMA... helps you have some happiness in your life... makes you seem less predictable... makes you exciting... helps you smile a bit. These ARE attractive qualities, and do help you be "the better man".

180s - Being the better man includes figuring out where you have come up short in fulfilling the needs of your W and your M and fixing them... in yourself. What is it about OM that your W finds attractive? OM is definitely meeting some need that your W has. Whatever it is, you need to start working on it, doing it, doing a 180.

Be the man that your W fell in love with. That person IS the better man when compared to OM. Your W married you!!! NOT OM. Once upon a time, your W chose you as the better man... over all men!! Be that person again! I cannot stress this enough.

These are the weapons that we need to use for this WAR. And don't let anyone fool you, that's what this is if you choose to fight it. You don't fight it with ultimatums to your W, threats to D your W, personal threats to OM, or other tactics that have been referred to on this board as the "hard line approach".

I would love some feedback on my sitch Denver you are a vet that I admire. Same with you fuanacdc I am going to read your sitch right now as I am in a similar situation where my W is having an PH that started a few months before the seperation.

[Beardown]

fuanacdc

Again I'm sorry for jumping your sitch but didn't know where I could reach out to Denver for his wisdom. I will comment on your sitch as soon as I finish reading. Hope you are having a good Friday.