Keep breathing...

[hopefulinga]

Sounds like you are continuing to move in a positie direction and are seeing the nice things your H is doing for you.

I think it is probably good to continue to try to not snoop for now. The few weeks that I was doing it were the worst during this time. Now that I've stopped, I can get back to my PMA and trying to learn to trust H again. I've also released a lot of anxiety.

Just remember that you may still have a few backslides, so be prepared and don't let it undo any of your good work if it does happen. Especially if he turns you down on the birthday dinner offer.

[mamabird]

Thanks Hopeful, I know that maintaining is key right now. I'm getting antsy and I don't want to let that show. I'm working on being good with whatever happens, and I'm hoping that I'm not bound for disappointment somewhere along the way.

I had a dream last night we went to a party and POW was there, and she was all over him. Interestingly enough, years ago H and I went to a party and OM1 was there, which started a huge fight between us. But anyway, in my dream, I got right in her face and waved my wedding ring at her and told her to back off!

[mamabird]

My H has lost some weight recently, as I think I have mentioned. Now he's at the point where it really is starting to show, and I told him he looked good. He said that he was hoping he'd stop snoring if he lost some weight. It's not like he was fat but he had a decent gut on him.

I'm glad he's losing the weight now but I feel a little bad/resentful that in all of our years together, he could never get it together enough to do anything about it. His snoring drove me crazy. It was like being tortured every night. He wouldn't really address it though. I guess he figured he couldn't continue that behavior with someone new. I guess I'm partly responsible, because he's not eating lunch out at all really anymore, and he's eating what I cook for dinner. At least the brie and salami diet is over!

I need to work on trying to trust his changes. I'm still so paranoid that he's going to go through with the D, even though things seem to be going well (better than they were before bomb). I'm not going to do anything differently, but I guess I won't really be able to believe it until he's able to return some of my affection.

Today we had a parent meeting at the school. He brought the boys early and when I got there I was a little upset that he hadn't saved me a seat. We had the opportunity to move at one point so I sat next to him and he kept inching his chair away from me. But before he left, he said he had to go, and at least told me that. I didn't walk out with him, but at least he had the decency to say goodbye. Tomorrow, same drill. We are not going in one car because I'm going to work afterwards.

[Wendylon]

Hi Regretful,

My God, I do think we're married to the same man (the snoring, the brie and the salami)!

I think you're wise to keep in mind that your H may still be thinking in terms of D but don't let that stop you from doing what you can to improve the R in the meantime. He may change his mind back and forth several times a day for all you know. I guess there is some healthy balance to be found between paranoid and naive.

I know a little fear keeps me on the DB track. I can easily become complacent.

You sound as if you're doing great. Keep going.

[hopefulinga]

I have to chuckle at the snoring. My H does snore, but I was tha main snorer. I had surgery a few years ago that helped a little bit. Now that I've lost so much weight, the snoring has stopped.

I'm glad things are going well. I know it is hard to jump off the cliff and trust the changes. I feel that is how I burned myself last month. I got too comfortable and then H started to be a jerk again.

Even though he is still pulling away a little bit, he is helping and treating you a little better. You know that you both still have some work to do. Have you been able to schedule any MC now that you've taken your son out of therapy?

[Soul.Searching]

You know what, my H snores and it got to the point where when he want away for work and after he moved out, I couldn't sleep without his snoring because it was too quiet!!

It's such a terrible feeling when the inch away from you. I hope things start improving soon.

[Breakdown]

My H has lost some weight recently, as I think I have mentioned. Now he's at the point where it really is starting to show, and I told him he looked good. He said that he was hoping he'd stop snoring if he lost some weight. It's not like he was fat but he had a decent gut on him.

You guys aren't in the same BR yet are you?

I think it's good that you are being supportive, and complimenting him, but honestly, I seriously doubt this is for your benefit.

I need to work on trying to trust his changes. I'm still so paranoid that he's going to go through with the D, even though things seem to be going well (better than they were before bomb). I'm not going to do anything differently, but I guess I won't really be able to believe it until he's able to return some of my affection.

I deal with the same thing, but sometimes I don't think trust is the right choice....sometimes I think it's better to just accept you can't control it. With that said, I do think it's important to track those baby steps so you can see what is working and what isn't.

[mamabird]

Not in the same BR and I know he's not losing the weight for me, which annoys me. He's doing it for him, which is good.

This morning I gave him a little wake up back rub and he said Thank you for the first time. Nice to have the recognition at least.

A woman at school who I know he's been confiding in came up to me today and started telling me about some online seminar she's doing about personal change. I was so uncomfortable talking to her because I know whatever I say could go right back to H. However, he did sit next to me in parent meeting today, for all to see.

I'm encouraged by the progress we've made but at the same time feeling impatient. He's got all the benefits of having a wife right now. I cook his meals, wash his clothes and give him love and attention every night. I ask him how work is going. I listen to him. I'm doing all the "wifely" things. He is talking to me more about his friends and things going on in his life. But I'm not getting very much in return at this point. He's certainly not affectionate nor has he shown much interest in anything I am doing. He's very supportive of the kids but he hasn't been much of a husband. So I'm starting to wonder if he is cake eating...

Hopeful, to answer your question, we haven't really discussed MC of late. I don't know if he still wants to go, and if he did, I don't know what the motivation would be. When he brought it up before, and I countered with the mention of Retrouvaille, he totally didn't want to do that because it was "for people who wanted to save their marriages." If I bring it up, is that pressuring him? I don't think it's time yet to ask him where we stand.

So unfortunately today I'm feeling somewhat downtrodden, but I know I must stay the course and quietly carry on...

[Breakdown]

With regards to retrouvaille, it certainly helps if both parties want to save their M, but I don't think that's the norm. One person generally wants it to work and the other is just lost. When we went, there were a handful of couples separated already and a few that had already filed for D and were just making sure they weren't making a mistake.

For me, I thought it was a benefit regardless of what happened after. Even if the other person doesn't want it to work, or refuses to move forward, you learn so much about yourself that it'd be difficult not to see it as an advantage for any relationship you might have in the future.

I know it's tough but hang in there.

[mamabird]

Breakdown, how long did it take for your wife to start being affectionate with you again?

We are still spending a lot of time together in the evenings. He really enjoys the back rubs and I enjoy feeling close to him. This evening we just spooned for a while and it felt heavenly. It is very hard to get up and walk away from that, but I haven't been invited back into the bedroom yet. I have no idea how he stays so stoic about it but somehow he manages. Now when I lean in to kiss his forehead he comes towards me so he can receive the kiss.

Sigh... I need someone to take care of me for a change...