I think meeting a whole new different group of people who are not aware of your sitch at all will help. That's what I did when I joined the hiking club. Everyone thought I was single, so it was all about hiking. It was my escape. When I thought things were heading so well with my H, I told them my story, thinking my H might join us on a hike soon. Big mistake. They are still my friends, but things are not the same anymore.
Good luck findind a good meetup group. I belong to about 30 groups, and intend to attend more of their meetups now that work is slowing down a bit.
Answers to recent questions Tumbling: Yes, I've had the anxiety regarding GALing prior to IC. Partially due to me making my W my whole world, and because many of the things I want to do are things "we" wanted to do. POA is still a work in progress. The "A" is the hard part. New distractions would be helpful. I somewhat handy / have been crossing things off my "to do list" around the house. W would always either text or call with complaints. I have been her sounding board for years. I'm generally a good listener. I've been mixing up the validation with the "trained answer."
Tori, I'm still looking at the site. Some interesting peeps out there.
********** Update / journal So I did go out Saturday night to a friend's home and watched college football, had a few drinks. Prior to leaving though, W was making so many complaints about how disorganized the house was (lots of her and kiddo stuff). So it felt weird to leave. I wanted to stay and help. So I did the counterintuitive thing, and left. Good for me right? I did come home late that night. Woke up early and left for a little bit. Came back home, and W joined me in the bedroom / sat on "my" bed and initiated talks. Again, a tearful conversation for an hour if not longer. Her confessing a multitude of things about how she misses me and cannot fathom a future w/o me. She added a few things about OM. How she realizes it's not going anywhere, that she's helping him instead of herself (similar to how I inspired her to grow and change for all these years). She expressed a wish to go on a date with me, but all of this not right now, not yet. I matched her emotionally and shared tears. I stood and heard many details. All and all, I think I did a pretty good job.
We took the kids to a pumpkin patch later. Hung out with her dad and his new girlfriend, and ultimately ended the night with her "thanking me for a good day, despite some of the tears." That kind of threw me.
So I guess what is needed now is 2 x 4. One that I can use to ground me and hold me secure without getting hopes up whilst continuing too DB / GAL and all that good stuff.
Oh, and I think the "Miss Me" song is my new theme song, in addition to the Jason Mraz, "I'll Won't Give Up."
Hi Afa - I don't do 2x4s - well not intentionally I think you did fine this w/e.
I totally understand the "things I want to do are things "We" wanted to do." That's really hard. Best to put them on a shelf until you or we can do them then. Unless there's a really little one that you might do. Just to prove you could. Is there?
What's happened re planning that trip with your friends you mentioned before? Who's the organiser? You are! Only kidding but maybe you might have to be to make it happen. That would be an activity that was centred on you.
When I said Handy - I was kind of thinking I would like to beat the s^&t out of a piece of wood/metal and at the same time be making something really cool that was just for me and not the house or spouse. Afa's Project X.
Those kind of conversations with your W are no doubt emotionally exhausting esp as we can't see into the future. I think you did well to hear it for an hr or so. She sounds desperately confused. When does she see IC?
I guess a date might be too formal/meaningful for both of you - do you spend time together just the two of you relaxing, I remember she brought home some wine for you not so long ago?
Great way of handling the interactions with your W. Try to keep R talks to a minimum, but don't shut her down if she needs you to listen. I don't know how I feel about listening to her talk about the OM. My H did it to me, and I don't think it helped either of us or the R.
As far "we" items, the main one that I may do is a cooking class or wine tastings. Seems as if the MeetUps like those. Definitely cooking, we'll see theatter.
Yes I am the organizer. I mentioned the idea to my friends and received a lack luster response. Part of me doesn't want my friends' Ws to get mad at me for stealing their Hs. Is that weird / wrong? I have contemplated just going away somewhere even by myself. Not sure how I would do.
I LOVE the idea of beating the sh*t out of something. Wood more than metal. Cheaper and I have some. Then again, some of the household items are ones that I've wanted to do, not necessarily the W or on a honey do list. Things that will make me happy (eg landscaping) and add to the value of our home.
I don't like the OM aspects of the convo. However I think she appreciates that I will listen (eg they each know it's a pointless R / not going anywhere. I can / have responded with "I am not his biggest fan, but I dont hate him". I'd rather practice forgiveness for him / his life rather than give him control over my anger. My anger is mine. No one else's. W and he may increase from time to time, but I'm trying to be the better man. Don't get me wring, if I ever see him at my home again, he may the new material for Project X. The more optimistic side of the convos is how she has said she realizes she needs to start focusing on herself, not him. How she misses me. How she loves me. I did actually say that it was good to hear, but I have walls up to protect myself. Sandi's rules kept popping in my head; and don't believe what I hear and only half of what I see.
As far as IC, I couldn't sneak it in during the convo. Perhaps I'll mention the balance (or lack of) for our HSA account. Oh, and the out of town SIL, called for W while she was out, and agreed to check in with W to see how that is going.
A date most likely will not happen anytime soon. The wine is no more. We did however just watch Tosh.O together. She invited, so I passed on exercise to join her. She, the kids, and I carved pumpkins tonight. Oh, and we each were posting on a mutual friend's FB page (playfully and what not). Funny thing is that OM is a friend of that person too.
Respite at the parental house. Nothing yet other than u did get their ok to stay if I need to. A lot of it depends on how this week, if not this w/e goes. If there is more OM visits, then I'll leave for sure.
Oh, and the 2 x 4, is one that I wanted staked into the ground to help me remain grounded. We can pull it out and smack me with it if we need to.
Interesting news flash - Evidently one of W's good friends who has been guiding / influencing her trough her process is recently divorced (i knew that) who is an OW with an old high school boyfriend. Kind if weird parallel.
In case you're wondering, W told me at dinner that the friend may stay the night, cry, and drink some wine. W wanted to give me the heads up. I did make the comment, according to W, it was a "abide" one. I think it was said more jokingly, then again, if you don't like the ugly truth maybe it all sounds negative. So clarified / apologized as that was not the intent of my message. W went on to say she shouldn't have said anything, b/c now I'll judge the friend. I told W that I like the friend and that I've stopped judging people (work in progress). W responded you "judged me". I said yes in the beginning but not anymore. Now if she heard anything I had said during our recent R talk, she would see I've been sticking with that new POV. I sent a text to W to not worry, that secret as well as many more will go to the grave with me and to enjoy zumba. I took the boys to a scout meeting. AP now I'm going to leave it alone.
I will hope W follows her friend in the sense that she breaking off their R
Thank you for the update. Here go my comments: 1. I wouldn't go on a trip on my own. At least not yet. I did that back in April and I was in tears a lot of the time. Crazy, considering I was in the happiest place on Earth: Disneyworld! Can you maybe get just one friend to go with you? 2. Great attitude about the OM. Just a warning that anger might want to make its way back. I have tried to push the OW out of my head, but forgive her? That's going to be a tough one. Maybe with time, the pain will be duller, but I don't know if I will ever think of her without anger. I know I am spiritual and everything, but... 3. My coach told me to never criticize your S's friends bc they'll push away. If you criticize, it's okay to apologize once but not too many times. Remember, you don't want to fill in the role of the pursuer, of the one who has the least power. It looks like things are still headed where you want them to go. That's great! Gotta go. Will check the board again soon.
Thanks Tori... I needed a little feedback. I agree with #1, still seeing what / where I can do and with who. #2. I'm not saying I don't still have anger, I sure do. It's a goal, a lofty one that I'm striving to get to a better place and STAY there. Maybe with anger and understanding. ?? #3. Wasn't a critical statement, then again if that's how it was perceived, that's the more important thing at this time. Heck, look at the way i was doing my best to show W love, just not in her primary LL. I haven't brought it since that text. I did wish the friend "luck" today via W as today she is supposed to break it off. Positive karma / tonglen / better man mentality. I truly do like this friend. Oh, and I put on a couple more pounds. I'm trying...
Okay, so W's friend broke up with her boyfriend today, in which the friend was the OW. W mentioned that she wished she could get in to see her IC (for the first time). W said she feels pressured to make a decision.
