Thank you to all my friends here, new and old, that posted. You know how much that means to me! Snodderly, tvs, GB, loisB, labug, MissA. And thank you for reading even if you don't post!
Haven't been able to resist the drag racing the Mustang and traffic lights though....it's TOO much fun!
Everything is going well. Just posting a little less. It's actually helping me detach more. There are more new people on the boards too that need more help. I just need encouragement every once in a while.
H being away has helped a lot. He posts about his continuous party on FB regarding his vacation.
I'm spending time dividing papers, packing away stuff, taking down pics, etc. I'm done with him unless he comes back begging.
On one of my Mustang drives to get the cobwebs out of my brain, I was listening to this song by Crosby, Stills and Nash:
It's been a long time comin' It's goin' to be a long time gone. But you know, The darkest hour is always Always just before the dawn. And it appears to be a long, appears to be a long, Appears to be a long Time before the dawn.
About GAL. I attended a concert Sunday evening. The style was jazz-grass. I absolutely LOVED it! I went up to visit the band after the concert as they were outside their van and I struck up a convo with one of the band members (it was four guys playing mandolin, fiddle, string bass and acoustic guitar all with electric pickups and some vocals --original music -- awesome!) I talked music, sound and recording with this band member and it felt really, really good just to be a little outside my comfort zone.
I also rode my mountain bike for two hours Sunday. Felt great!
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Just posting a little less. It's actually helping me detach more.
I found this helps as well, to step back from things for a bit.
I also found the removing and changing of things like pics and wedding bands helped me get some more clarity and detachment/peace...
It is fun to step out of our boxes, we give ourselves that little fun confidence boost that builds up the "I am going to make it" theme (something like the Mary Tyler Moore show theme...it is stuck in my head today...lol).
I love CSN, especially when they had Neil with them.
Glad to hear you are doing great!
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Thank you all (tvs, GalB, T^2, labug) for the encouraging words. Question: if I am doing so great, why do I feel like a total failure?
Yesterday, I went to a different L. He said $2500 for the whole thing, 30 days, said he would get the judge to waive the 90 days, b/c he thought we shouldn't hafta attend a co-patenting class.
We talked about when to sell house, cars needed, etc. We clicked well. He said for H to offer half of his take-home pay is phenomenal. He also agreed with MLC, said H will be "very sorry" in 5-10 years but sounded like H was done with M for now.
This L was obviously very successful, been M 44 years, and said he only takes the occasional non-contested D case. He obviously really liked me and gave me a lot of compliments and said I had well thought out the issues. I was grateful I didn't get emotional at all.
On the way hone from L's office, I had picked up sandwiches for me & S12. When I was close to home, I started to cry so went to a special spot here in the country. It's my special place I go when I want to think and I've been driving. It's about a mile from home, no dwelling in sight, surrounded by thousands of acres of rolling pastures, some rolling to a beautiful farm by a river. It's on my bike route.
So I cried and tried to gather strength, but couldn't find any. Somehow I got through the rest of the day. But last night I was up for three hours. Couldn't sleep. So many heavy decisions.
I'm dreading the thought of H returning and not going through this as I feel I have gotten so far. Or putting me in limbo. I'm equally dreading going through it.
I have been texting very little to H. He tried to call yesterday but I didn't answer. (he is overseas, sorta). He texted and said he wanted to call today. So I did talk to him for half an hour.
I told him about L's appointment, issues with house and cars. I got a price quote from our health insurance carrier for s $5K deductible catastrophic plan for only $266/month. I told them to send me more info and include two more similar type plans.
I asked H if I could talk to our car/home/life insurance agent.
H has been drinking a LOT. He basically told me over and over on the phone "whatever you want". I feel like now is the time to do this thing, although it sounds like we will be cutting the dog's tail off all at once instead of a little at a time.
I made a month-by-month plan for me. November I'm just going to work on D, rest and eat well. That is it. I feel my anxiety level rising and I won't do any one any good if I get sick.
Then the following months, work on r.e. license, getting house ready to sell, etc. The L thought it could take us more than a year to sell house. We have some complications with it.
I'm thinking now to split the retirement evenly and split the house proceeds when it sells. L advised this. He doesn't think we will get nearly what we want for the house.
He also said the initiating ML on the same day as trying to file for D wasn't uncommon. H wants to let go of me as much as he wants to keep me.
I looked at photo albums a long time the other day. I saw the same look on H's face during the first two years we were together as I see now.
From what H has told me, he wanted to sow his wild oats when we first got together, but didn't want to lose me so he married me and I helped him pay off the $40K debt he was left with after his first D.
The only time he looked peaceful and happy through the years was upon becoming a father and the next ten years after that. Then the discontent again.
Now, he is in a great position financially, plus he has much more confidence and looks a lot better, in my opinion. But there again...he wants to sow his wild oats without losing me.
I cried a lot this morning but then I kept remembering the pics I uncovered on FB a couple of days ago...and all the pics with parties and women and alcohol. It reminds me I am SO done! Its still sad to have our family break apart and I feel like I have failed our sons.
But....I am trying to think of things I am thankful for, and there are many. And I'm putting one foot in front of the other.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
rH, The lawyer sounds very well grounded and is a keeper, in my books. He knows exactly what he is dealing with. rH, listen to your lawyer. He's giving you very good advice and he's not trying to take your h to the cleaners.
I hate to say this because I'm not an advocate for divorce, but you need to strike while the iron is hot and get everything down on paper w/your h's signature on it. Right now, he's feeling very guilty for what he's done to you and he will be agreeable to just about anything you put in front of him. Once he's back from his trip and sees what he stands to lose, he'll change his tune. I've seen this happen not only on this board, but three other ones as well.
Just remember, you are entitled to half of everything. You have been his wife, companion and friend for a very long time.
YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE! What you are feeling is very normal. I think what is going on is that you've been given some really straight forward information and your lawyer expressed his opinion that it appears that your h is done w/the marriage for now. You are now starting the grieving process and you are going to have good and bad days.
rH, you have done everything you can humanly do to make your h see that home is where he should be, but he's not ready to come home. God has plans for both of you and each of you has a journey to make solo. I'm sorry you are feeling down and I wish I could make things better for you. Just remember...keep your boundaries in place when he comes home. BTW, I'm not at all surprised to heat that he is drinking a lot...he's 16 once again.
One step at a time, one day at a time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Oh, rh, you haven't failed, and you haven't failed your sons. You have, and are, acting honorably. I'm keeping you and your sons in my thoughts and prayers.
