Looking for the silver lining...

[AJM]

I am sorry to see you feel down. But then again not. I say that because I see something in this post...

My perspective is distorted. I recognize now that my kids see me as changed. I am angry that I haven't been stronger to not let the events influence me this way. There is this "hole" in my gut, soul. It's been there for a long time but now I am able to put words in place to describe it. I want to believe I can heal but I am full of doubts.

I can't begin to tell you how glad I am that you are seeing this. Why? Because it is the next step in healing! [censored] to be sure, but.... What you are describing is not a different you. You are describing a different perspective! And isn't that really what a lot of this is about? Perspective? You've been strong. You have lived through the worst of it, but it seems you may have put off some of the feelings. I see you are no longer putting them off and I am happy to see that. I know it sounds odd. But this is important!

At the end of the day, almost everyday, I am okay. That's it - okay. Is it enough? It has to be right now. But I want so much more...

...and that ^^^^ is the best part. You are no longer wanting to be "okay". That's a very very healthy step, if you ask me. You aren't willing to accept being "okay" any more. You "want" more! That is a far cry from before, is it not?

As for how or why? People can be like that. They have to live with themselves. They have to deal with their demons. They could have done much better, but did not. It is what it is. Not everyone is like that, but what is really different is your perspective. How you see events that happen for you.

You are still the same person. Your perspective is out of whack right now. But I think that's a healthy thing and I think you'll see that a little later. You won't stay in this state. You won't accept "okay" for very long and you'll change your perspective on things sooner than later. Life really is good and there is soooo much positive in it. What happened and your loss are really a small part of that in the scheme of things (different perspective).

A suggestion: Sometimes, a healthy habit to develop is to look for 3 positive things each day. Do that for 21 - 42 days every day at the same time. What that does is to help you look for the positives. It develops a habit that helps you see positive things in life.

I see greatness in your posts. I really do. Keep stepping toward the positives...

AJ