Wife lost in the MLC-We are now separated

[job]

Sam,
I would definitely request that the house key be returned to you that her friend has. You don't want anyone in your house unless you have given them permission to be there. I agree w/you, she should knock and wait for you to answer the door. Unfortunately, this is a very common trait w/mlcers. Even though they have left home, they still think they have the right to just walk right in or come and go as they please. I bet you haven't don't that at her place.

Your w's behavior is a lot like rH's husband. As long as you go along w/them, they will be nice. Well, if you don't want to talk to her, then don't. After all you have feelings too.

I understand the desire to want to run away, but you can't. You are the mature adult in this situation and you know you have responsibilities. That's the issue w/the mlcer...they run fast and hard because they can't face what has been stuffed down for a very long time. It will come out to haunt them periodically, but more so at night when it's dark, quiet and nothing to do but think.

You've got it...because she thinks you deliberately hurt her by breaking the frame, etc., she now must find a way to hurt you...definitely rebelling.

Nothing says that you have to text her back...after all...you have a life and things to do yourself. She needs to face the consequences of her actions and what better way than for her to stew in her own pot of juice!

[sam4nh]

So I need to detach and go dark. I have a question that when you try and go dark/dim with no contact/texting, do you respond to texts if your W has done something that you would normally thank them for? Such as taking care of the animals, cleaning up around the house, etc? I've been reading and I do not see anywhere this addressed. I don't want to be rude, but I don't want to appear weak by responding to texts/calls.

[AJM]

I don't see how thanking her helps you? Here's the real issue: what do you need to do to be authentically you regardless of what she does? What do you also need to do to cut the ties? For yourself?

I think that's more the guide than anything else.

My $0.04 worth.

AJ

[sam4nh]

So I have not communicated/texted with my W since Monday evening when she had her little fit about me taking the reminders of our life together down. She sent me the message that, "I am sorry I got upset - I just didn't expect you to take down any rememberance of us". It about killed me not to say something...But I know it's the right thing to do. I then got the text (yes I'm sure it was because she's upset) that she wanted to meet to discuss our financial agreement. I again did not respond as I'm not sure I want to discuss this right now.

Last night I got the, "Are you ever going to respond to anything I say?" and finanly later in the evening after no response, "I care about you and love you". I'm so confused....Why does MLC have to be at someone elses expense? Is there some kind of karma that says, "You are going through a MLC and you spouse must suffer with you????" Rhetorical question I know!

[MrBond]

You should have responded. All you're doing right now is avoiding the issue which doesn't help.

Concerning the pictures, you should have just texted her "No problem. Have a great day." and ended it.

Then when she says she wants to discuss the financial agreement, tell her that you'll have to check your schedule since you've got a number of things planned. Then leave it at that.

Right now you're acting like you have your hands over ears and telling her "I'm not listening!"

Confront it in that way so she knows you are paying attention.

[sam4nh]

@MrBond- Thank You! That makes sense to me. I'm relatively new at this and still working through the do's and don'ts.

[Crying out loud]

I am butting in. Sam my H is going through what your wife is. No other person or affair. Just the qoute we most hear. I love you but I am not in love with you. I too struggle with the saying the right things. When he does something nice for me I thank him or tell it meant a lot to me. Whether that is wrong or right I don't know. But it makes me feel good to acknowledge it. His birthday is Friday. Don't know what to do about that one. Maybe someone could with that? I feel that I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.

[Crying out loud]

"help" with that.

[sam4nh]

Well I'm probably more confused than I've been in a while....I remember the "Believe none of what she says and 50% of what she does." so I'm on guard.
W sent several texts over the last few days that completely messes with my mind...She will one minute say one thing and the next is something about her freedom and living in her new apartment.
1. That she had found a note that I wrote when she went to London and that it made her cry...I remember writing it, but I figured she had got it and just never said anything.
2. W went to her therapist who said she was being unfair to me by trying to get me to sign the agreement and not focusing on my family after the loss of my mom. - She said we could revisit the agreement later. This is such a relief since; I do not want to deal with this at this time.
3. W saying I love you and miss you--Hopefully this isn't confusing to you???
4. She tells me she is looking back over this entire time that we've been struggling and she believes that neither one of us have been in the position to give "everything" to solving the issues in our relationship. According to our(at the time joint but W refuses to attend together anymore) MC, I was the one who made changes and W kept saying she was trying, but never really changed any behaviors.
5. That she is sorry that she is having the issues at a time when she should be here for me.
6. She has made mistakes and somehow she must make it right—not sure if this can be done…I think what’s done is done.
7. That she knows she's confusing me, but she is confused---Yes she is…
8. Sorry because that I deserve for her to love me in a way a W is supposed to and needs to get her head on straight. Knows she doesn't have the right to ask me to wait but she has hope that if she gets her head on straight and realizes how to be the person I deserve that there still maybe a chance?
9. Didn't want to be alone during Hurricane Sandy and wants to stay at the house....Which she is...She comes in and acts like she never left. Doesn't pick up after herself, leaves lights on as she wanders through the house looking at any changes I’ve made, lots of comments on how I should do this versus that and feels free to accommodate herself. Yeah I know, I should have stuck to my boundary and asked her to stay at her place…I didn’t and I now understand why…I’m slow sometimes….LOL at myself.
I do have to say, when it came to going to bed last night, she did hint to sleep in the same bed. I said the bed upstairs was made and she could sleep there. She was not happy and stated she would sleep on the couch. I was okay with that too and I was not backing down on that boundry.

[job]

sam,
She is one confused puppy! As any parent would do, you should remind her in a very nice way to please turn lights off upon leaving a room and to pick up after herself. Don't do this for her. She's a grown adult and you've been kind enough to allow her to stay in the home during the storm. The least she could do is pick up after herself and turn the lights off.

Stay safe.