5 months in

[Tessa2012]

AS,

Thanks for the feedback. Sometimes I get worried that I'm saying the wrong things. We weren't big on talking about how much we appreciate each other so this is out of the norm to say the least

H does come up with ridiculous comments every so often and it's hard to let it go. But, I'm trying.

I think he's actually noticing the difference. I did a bit of a 180 and told him that I appreciated something about him and gave a reason. The comment fit with the texts that were going back and forth and it wasn't about R or M. He said that I worried him and he asked what was going on. I told him that nothing was going on and that I had been thinking about what I'm thankful for. He said that he didn't understand me anymore. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. I want to say it's good because he seems to be seeing me in a different way.

I'm not sure though.

[AnotherStander]

I think he's actually noticing the difference. I did a bit of a 180 and told him that I appreciated something about him and gave a reason.

Have you read the 5 Love Languages? What you did is "words of affirmation". You might read that book if you haven't already, it'll help you determine how to do more of this.

He said that I worried him and he asked what was going on. I told him that nothing was going on and that I had been thinking about what I'm thankful for.

Don't tell him "nothing", tell him that this whole experience has awakened you and that you're transforming yourself into a better person. To quote one of the DB 180 tips:

"You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse."

So you want him to know that you ARE changing, but that it's not for his benefit, it's for yours.

He said that he didn't understand me anymore.

DB'ing is all about getting a life and being a bit mysterious. This may be why he's saying he doesn't "understand" you anymore, you're not predictable. If so then you're doing good DB'ing

[Tessa2012]

Thanks AS.

I'll have to get the book and read it. We thanked each other for doing things but we never really talked about how we appreciated each other. I look forward to doing some additional reading.

He said that I worried him and he asked what was going on. I told him that nothing was going on and that I had been thinking about what I'm thankful for.

Don't tell him "nothing", tell him that this whole experience has awakened you and that you're transforming yourself into a better person. To quote one of the DB 180 tips:

"You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse."

So you want him to know that you ARE changing, but that it's not for his benefit, it's for yours.

H was worried because he thought that my comment about appreciating him meant that I was considering suicide. So I told him "nothing was going on" because I wasn't suicidal.

H actually sent me a text with a screenshot of a song that he was listening to. He told me to find the song and listen to it. He used to suggest songs to me all the time but he hadn't for a long time. Plus, the songs are usually along the lines of metal, hard rock and other stuff with good bass lines, drum beats and guitar riffs.

The song is slow paced and romantic. It's called "World in Flames" by In This Moment. It caught me off guard because the lyrics talk about someone calling out to their love asking to be found and saved, that they're alone and want "you" to come home.

What's throwing me off is that I don't know if he's just sharing a really beautiful song, messing with me or sending me a message. I'm trying not to read into it but the song is so full of meaning.

The only response that I have him was that it was a beautiful song.

[Tessa2012]

Wow...today started off on a weird note.

H sent me a text around 6:30 this morning talking about a few things.

I'm a bit po'd right now cuz I lost the textint thread and I'm trying to remember everything from memory.

Let's see.....

H told me that he's sorry if he gave me the impression that he didn't care about me and that it was 200% wrong.

He still cares about me and even if we didn't live with his parents, he would still come over and visit with me and help if I ever needed it.

I'm his first wife (and someother nice comment that I wish I could remember. I was good and didn't say anything about the 1st wife comment)

He told me not to cry because this was a tired clarity moment. I told him that I wasn't crying and that I appreciated him telling me the above (with the exception of the 1st wife part) and that I was working on making myself better for me.

I also told him that I know how difficult it is for him to talk to me about us.

H said that he's been keeping his mouth shut so that he doesn't hurt me/others. He'd rather be an ass and hope it work out.

So, on one hand I'm happy that he's talking with me more about his feelings but at the same time I want to kick his ass. ...not that I ever would or try.

[Tessa2012]

I also got some additional insight into his issues with me.

H was trying to "play" with me on the phone via text (his communication style of choice) about being naked and "home" alone.

He also joked about meeting up with him and desecrating the backseat of his car. I told him that it'd be easier to pick me up.

He got excited and said "That's what I'm talking about!" and something about needing risk if it's worth keeping.

Ultimately he asked if he stopped over and said lets go would I go with him. I shocked him and said yes. When he put it in real time (hr from that moment) and getting busy in the parking lot at work or at my desk, I told him no. I explained that that was something I didn't want to share with my co-workers. Also, I didn't want to loose my job by getting busy in the parking lot (cameras). H reminded me of his career choice and said that he knew where the blind spots were and then called me a prude. I told him I wasn't going to defend my position and he said that I didn't have a defense. Luckily, I remainded calm the entire time.

I did reminid him that I had talked about meeting up with him at his place (a warehouse) and he told me no and mentioned cameras as well. (Same general concept) H mentioned it wasn't the same because my place was closer and safer that where he works.

I think I was called a prude a total of 5 times during our texting session. He mentioned that he "always wanted excitement but couldn't pull my head out of my ass."

So, on one hand I've learned more about my H and what he's wanted out of our sex life. But he still has issues with expressing it in a non-obnoxious fashion.

I'm sure there's something else that I want to mention but my mind's a blank.

[Tessa2012]

H came home this morning all playful and frisky. He told me that all his talk about us getting busy in the parking lot still had him riled up.

He also sent me another song to listen to via text.

This one was hard rock called "War on the inside." It's about someones personal struggles and his asking for help.

I wish I knew if he was just sharing good music or if he's sending me a message. I feel he'll just say it's good music and that's it.

[Tessa2012]

Hey everyone.

I only saw my H yesterday for a few hours. He stopped by to do a few things around the house before he headed back to work at his side job and then go "home."

I was quite frustrated with him but was good and didn't show it or say anything. He had brought his laptop home to do some work on OWs new iPhone. Even though H says that they're not dating and just close friends (EA all the way) he had created an account for her on his laptop. He actually had her new phone with him and was working on it. He had created an itunes account for her and was syncing it.

He told me how she and her ex are still having issues and long story short...she stopped sharing the phone service with ex and got her own. Good for her...but she called MY H from the phone store and was going off about not knowing what phone to get and that she wanted the same one H has. So H got on the phone with the rep and explained what she wanted. The rep asked who "name" is and H said that it was her ex. Rep made a comment about OW not actually being crazy. H said no and to just get her what she wants and to get her out of the store. SMH

I don't get it. H mentioned (months ago) that he was tired of doing things to make everyone else happy and now he wanted to concentrate on making himself happy. Now it seems that he is more than willing to drop everything and help her so that she's happy. I know that he enjoys helping his friends but this seems like he's doing exactly what he told me he was tired of doing. I'm not 100% but it feels like she's using him for his good will and willingness to help a friend in need.

This OW is the same person that I warned my H about when he admitted to saying "I love you" when he ends a phone conversation with her. He ends his phone calls with his folks with ILY and he used to do it with me. I had told him that women take ILY a lot differently than men do. That ILY may mean something completely different to her than him. Of course, that was before I found out about the EA.

ARGH!!

I'm trying not to dwell. Just wanted to share and hopefully get your opinions.

Thanks.

PS - Successfully didn't bring up M, D or R this weekend. And we're still talking on friendly terms/topics.

[Tessa2012]

This weekend I took a major step in my goal to GAL.

I'm working on reconnecting with my faith. I actually took the time today to attend the 9am service at my local church.

I was happy when H agreed to have our wedding in the church. He's never been involved in any organized religion and I was thrilled that he was willing to have a church ceremony. He actually joked that he fully expected to go up in flames when he stepped foot in the church (lol he didn't even overheat).

I've been true to my faith and prayed in private. I know that it's time to reconnect with the more formal side of religion. I'm looking forward to recharging my spiritual side.

This is definiately something that I'm doing for myself. (H used to tease me when I would go to mass because I wasn't consistent in going). So, if it makes me a better person perfect. If my M benefits from it, even better.

[lionhrt]

Hi tessa, popped over to say thx for ur comments on my sitch. Sorry u find urself here too!

Read ur sitch and oh boy the EA sounds so familiar. My W too admitted she got too involved with break up of OM marriage. She also said that he has been supporting her with our sitch, telling her she can do it on her own etc etc. Its a deadly cycle in IMO but I am powerless to stop it. Her thinking is so twisted she actually said she respects him because it must have been so tough for him to walk out on his W and 3 kids!!!! And how strong he is!!! And he seems to be repaying the favour by telling W how strong she is. Grrr. For the record my W sees nothing wrong with their R, they r good friends etc etc. This is all script for an EA and is extremely destructive.

Re intimacy, it sounds v much like cake eating to me. Have u set boundaries?

Ur husband does sound v confused - have u researched MLC, there are some simiarities IMO. There is some great info in the MLC forum to help u understand. Its what keeps me from completely exploding with W.

Have u read the 37 rules? If not read them asap and memorise them.

How is ur detachment going?

Take care

[Tessa2012]

For the record my W sees nothing wrong with their R, they r good friends etc etc. This is all script for an EA and is extremely destructive.

Re intimacy, it sounds v much like cake eating to me. Have u set boundaries?

Ur husband does sound v confused - have u researched MLC, there are some simiarities IMO. There is some great info in the MLC forum to help u understand. Its what keeps me from completely exploding with W.

Have u read the 37 rules? If not read them asap and memorise them.

How is ur detachment going?

Take care

Hi rkyfat73,

You're welcome. I really can relate to your sitch.

Like your wife, my H sees nothing wrong with their R. He keeps telling me that they've known each other longer than we have. The funny thing is that he hadn't been talking with her the whole time. They only reconnected as friends a couple of years ago. He doesn't think that matters.

As for intimacy, I know it's probably cake eating. I really haven't set any boundaries because I'm enjoying just as much as he is and I know that if, at this point, I try to tell him to stay away from OW that it'd backfire on me. Even though I'm trying to GAL, I'm not ready for it.

Thanks for suggesting the MLC area. I've read a couple of posts but I know that I should dig deeper into it. I'll definately take another look.

I've read the 37 rules once but I'll definately read them again. I've just saved them onto my laptop so I can refer to them frequently until their memorized.

Detachment is going alright...it's a slow process. I'm proud of myself because I haven't started conversations via text with him for about a week. I still find myself thinking about him but I'm trying not to act upon anything or let it get me down.

Personally, I've been reading more, reconnecting with my faith, hanging out with others and looking for a second job.

Thanks for your support. I appreciate it.

Best wishes.