I am 49, she is 33. We werein a on again off again relationship for 6 years. She wanted kids. I did not, so we sqabbled during our 6 year dating relationship. She would leave me to go find love. I would chase her and wooo her back. This back and forth craziness stopped when I finally relented and said I would marry her and give her a child. We agreed to compromise and have one (I already have 2 from a previous marriage). We both understood each others situation, she being younger and ready for kids, me being older and being done with kids. All she asked of me is that I would love and support our child. We got married 4 years ago, and now we have a beautiful 18 month old whoim I amd very supportive of and love very very much. The problem is that my wife is all about being a mommy. So much so that she started pressuring me for a 2nd child. I said no, that I wanted us to start traveling th world togther as we planned. Her affetion and intimacy stated to withdraw, as she viewed sex as a means of creating children. I cheated on her and rationalized it away. I do not blame my indiscretion on her as to why I cheated. I have taken full responsibility and ownership of why I did it. I have guilt and am ashamed and am earnestly workng on fixing those aspects of myself that are not so atractive. In the mean time, we are seperated. Sometime we are civil, sometimes not. She goes from being enraged to weepy, but mstly enraged. I have read A LOT of the threads on DB and like what I read. Many of you are struggleing thru hard times and you have great advice. My wife is trying to decide if she wants to divorce me and move to the other side of the country. She said she loves me but is not "IN LOVE" with me. She says that I am still physically attractive to her, but that the thought of actually touching me again makes her want to "vomit." I am going to individual counseling, but we are also going to couples counseling. So far, we just rehash what has happened. She gets blistering mad and wants nothing to do with me. We had a big blowup after the last session and decided that divorce was the best option. The next day, she was very nice to me. A complete 180. I took it as a sign that she might reconsider. I sent her an email afterwards letting her know that I was still IN LOVE with her and was working on me to fix our communication / conflict / marital issues. (BTW, there is no physical abuse, just verbal criticizing that sometimes escalates into personal attacks.). I dont think she wanted to get that email bc she longer responds to my texts. I only send her one a day, usully very short, wishing her a good day. Our next couples session is in a week. I NEED HELP before I meet her there
Me: 49 Her: 33 S20 mos I have S21 and D22 from previous M Separated on 9/05/2012 No D papers filed
At this point you need to give her space and work on you. I highly recommend reading Not "Just Friends" by Shirly Glass. It will help you get to the reasons why your relationship got to the point of you choosing to cheat and hopefully help both of you understand the other better.
If you're not getting anywhere in counseling then I suggest looking for another counselor.
Bottom line, if having another child is a deal breaker for either one or both of you then it's time to move on. Every child should be a wanted child.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Have you read Sandi's 37 rules that is located in the newcomers forum? No, But I will. Thanks Have you read Divorce Remedy? Not Yet, but I will get it.
I would suggest giving her what she is asking for SPACE. I am doing that now, completely
What kind of DAD are you? You have a child together. I am a really really good father. I spend a lot of time w/ my son and I provide a solid platform for him. He is doing really good.
You need to be the best possible DAD to that child. Can you do that?
ABSOLUTELY!!!
Me: 49 Her: 33 S20 mos I have S21 and D22 from previous M Separated on 9/05/2012 No D papers filed
Have you read Sandi's 37 rules that is located in the newcomers forum? No, But I will. Thanks Have you read Divorce Remedy? Not Yet, but I will get it. I would suggest giving her what she is asking for SPACE. I am doing that now, completely What kind of DAD are you? You have a child together. I am a really really good father. I spend a lot of time w/ my son and I provide a solid platform for him. He is doing really good. You need to be the best possible DAD to that child. Can you do that?
She is definitely hurt, big time. She also knows a little about my past. I was married for 20 years before her. My ex and I had numerous affairs in that marriage, and my current wife was ONE OF those affairs that "helped" me finally leave my 1st wife. I got custody of my kids then (they were 12 & 13 at the time, now they're 21 & 22). They get along w/ their step mom well enough. Anyway, my young wife thinks I will cheat on her again, so her M-O is to run from problems.She thinks D is the answer and she needs to move to CA. The only reason she is still in Atlanta is because of "money," and yes she says she still loves me BUT feels she needs to start over. I have a prenup that greatly restricts what she gets. She will prob get 2500.00 per month, but she wants 3k. That aside, she did mention creating a POSTNUP if she stays in the marriage in case "I cheat again." Can't say I blam her, but my deal was a one night stand, and the guilt I carry is so overpowering that I will NEVER do that again!!
Me: 49 Her: 33 S20 mos I have S21 and D22 from previous M Separated on 9/05/2012 No D papers filed
Oh boy... This is a tough one for me and I don't want to come across as judgmental or mean.
I will just give you my two cents in hopes that I may be able to somehow help you.
Originally Posted By: jeffodie
my current wife was ONE OF those affairs that "helped" me finally leave my 1st wife.
Anyway, my young wife thinks I will cheat on her again, so her M-O is to run from problems.
Can you understand that given your infidelity towards your current W and your history of cheating, how she is not trusting you at all? Try not to focus on her "M-O" but on your actions and how they affected her...
On the other hand, it shouldn't really surprise her that you cheated on her, given that SHE was the one you cheated with previously. My personal opinion, you guys were just asking for trouble and now here it is.
It's time for you to focus on how YOU can fix this...
Did you ever deal with your infidelity issues? Meaning, did you ever figure out why you did it "numerous times" in your previous marriage and now in this one?
This will be the key to fix whatever underlying issues you have so you don't do it again - to anyone.
Originally Posted By: jeffodie
Can't say I blame her, but my deal was a one night stand, and the guilt I carry is so overpowering that I will NEVER do that again!!
What is the difference for you between a "one night stand" and any other type of affair? Perhaps for your W there is no difference at all. Please consider this as well.
Originally Posted By: jeffodie
That aside, she did mention creating a POSTNUP if she stays in the marriage in case "I cheat again."
Hmmm. I have to question her comment and motives here. She wants a financial gain to punish you? I would think she would be more interested in fixing the R issues so that infidelity never happens again in your M, rather than worry about where she will end financially. It might just be her current anger motivating her...
Jeffodie - please - start looking at yourself and your mistakes in your past and present marriages. That to me will be the key to any healthy future R you may have with your W or anyone else.
Read around the boards. You will find a lot of inspiring people who are really working hard on themselves to become better people and you can learn a lot!
Good luck to you.
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Keep-Going, I soooo appreciate your words. You have hit the nail on the head , BAM. I need to figure out WHY I felt he need to cheat, again. I have sought out a lot of counseling on this. I'm still working on it. I am currently in a self imposed celibacy run. No sex for 3 months now. That a RECORD for me! I love being married and I love being n a committed relationship, but it will never work if I keep derailing it by cheating. I have to figure out why I make the poor snap decision to cheat. I'm currently listening to a Alan Stanly DVD called "Guardrails."
Me: 49 Her: 33 S20 mos I have S21 and D22 from previous M Separated on 9/05/2012 No D papers filed
