I'm not sure if my husband fits the characteristics of a man in MLC. First he is older than most men who go through a MLC and second he is still at home, wants to be here (most of the time),tells me that he loves me several times a day and is generally engaged in our relationship.
A little background into what is happening. My husband was laid off from his job in March 2012 at the age of 60. He was actually happy about it and was thinking of retiring anyway. Everything seemed fine until about 3 months ago. He seemed to be distracted, restless and had bouts of what I think are depression. That would be normal for someone whose life was his job for 35 years. We talked about taking classes at the C.C., volunteering (which he is now doing) and finding things to keep him busy. To make a long story short he asked me about a month ago if I would be okay with him going on a trip to a nearby state to clear his head. I was a bit shocked but thought that he might just need a little time away to think about his new future. We don't take trips without each other, other than business trips. For the next week he spent hours planning and talking about this trip. Come to find out he was planning a trip to meet a woman that we had met at a friends party several months earlier. She is married and living with her husband (whom we also met at the party). I asked him what the purpose of the trip was and he said he just wanted to get to know her better. After several long discussions about what was going on with him and why, he finally ended them with, "this is something that I have to do". Has he totally lost his mind? He also said that this was "his time" and that he was going to enjoy life. He has been gone for a week now and unless he decides otherwise, he will be coming home on Saturday. I haven't asked him one question about the OW but stayed focused on him and what HE is doing. He tells me that he loves and misses me and wants to be sure everything is okay at home etc.
We have 4 children, none at home and are fortunate to have been able to leave the work world behind to enjoy life. I am angry, upset and confused. He hasn't mentioned divorce and maybe I'm overreacting but something is wrong. This is out of character for him in every way.
I haven't decided yet how to react when he gets home but I've rehearsed a few senarios that probably aren't going to work for him but they'd certainly work for ME! I know that I need to listen to him, validate etc. I don't want to know anything about what happened or even IF anything happened but it's killing me thinking of him spending time with someone else. How do I react if he brings her up? I dread what will come next.
He has been calling and or texting two or three times a day and for the most part seems to be upbeat, tells me that he loves me and misses me. We have always talked openly and honestly about everything and most of the time we end our arguments and disagreements amicably.
Help!!! I need a shot of positive attitude and patience and have no one that I would dare share this with so here I am.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
H texted this morning and just got off the phone with him a few minutes ago. I did ask him a few questions that probably weren't appropriate but couldn't bite my tongue hard enough to stop myself. Didn't bring up the REAL reason why he is there but did ask if he was doing okay and how he was feeling. He said that he might stay an extra day. From the conversation he assumed that I was doing fine here without him. When he told me that he was was thinking of staying another day I told him that I was hoping that he would be coming home a day or two earlier. I know, bad move but I couldn't help it. He said that he had made a commitment to himself, whatever that means.
I have slept a total of about 30 hours since he's been gone on this "journey" and I know that I can't stop him or help him but I want to get on a plane, find him and kick his a@@ back to reality!
Maybe I should move over to another forum. I'm beginning to think this is more about depression or possibly infidelity than MLC.
Is his reality with you boring? Have you done anything to spice up your marriage or have you just continued the status quo for years? I understand that you have several children. It is sometimes difficult for a woman to split her attention between her children and her H.
Just asking to get an idea of your marital situation.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Ummm...reality check - this is definitely about infidelity. (I wonder if her husband knows anything about this?)
Probably retirement-related depression and late midlife crisis. Is he taking any medications that might be affecting his mood or judgment? He probably started an online conversation with this woman that turned into an emotional affair.
I understand you want to be understanding and sensitive to the fact that he may be going through a crisis, but also be careful of getting yourself into a position where you are tolerating intolerable behavior. (If MY ex husband had told me he just "had" to go spend a week having an affair with another woman, I would have told him "fine, but don't bother to come back. I'll ship your things").
Infidelity is usually a result of something else. It's usually the result and not the cause. Find out what the cause is and you can start correcting it to turn things around.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
MrBond....we have 4 children but none live with us. They are pretty much self sufficient and don't require the attention that they use to. The last one left 4 years ago. Yes, we sort of rediscovered ourselves and reclaimed our marriage. We take trips, have a very good sexual relationship, communicate very well and overall have been happy to be kid-free! So in answer to your question, no it hasn't been status quo for years. Our attention is focused on us and a few activities that we do as individuals.
He is, or should I say was a very high energy guy. Since leaving his job he has settled down a bit and doesn't have to be busy every waking minute. He acts as if he doesn't have a purpose any longer which is why we talked about doing something like taking classes. I have a more laid back personality. He's always called me his "rock" or the balance that he needs to calm him.
One thing I didn't mention in my initial post is that he has some pretty major unresolved issues from childhood. We don't spend a lot of time with his dysfunctional family and it's like pulling teeth to get him to visit so I usually end up checking in on his parents rather than him. What I find even more interesting is that he brought up going away for a few weeks even before we met the OW.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
kml, her husband DOES know about this. He called me to let me know. The worst part is that I already knew and pretended that I didn't. They have had marital problems and have been in counseling for the past 3 years and this isn't her first affair. She is about 15 years younger and I believe is in her own MLC. I noticed the behavior when we met her. He takes no medications and told me a few months back (without me even suggesting) that he didn't need counseling. He did go to the Dr. for a check up and most everything checked out fine but then he probably didn't discuss his mental state with the Dr.
I don't want to tolerate behavior that is hurtful to me but where are the limits. Believe me, that was my first thought. Go but don't expect your key to work in the door when you get back. I am not a pushover by any means but I'm trying to let him do the talking and just validate and act as if I understand. I did tell him that if he did this it could do irrepairable damage to us and that it was NOT the right thing to do. Maybe I am misunderstanding the way to handle this so advise away, please!
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
We have been married for 33 years so YES, there have been complaints over the years. Unless he is digging back to the early years, the years of craziness of working with children going in all directions, I can't think of anything recent. I have been wondering the same thing.
He tells me it's nothing that I did but about HIM. He mentioned "my journey" a few times in our more recent conversations. He started journaling a few years ago and is in the process of writing a book. Well sort of. It seems that he's not been able to focus long enough to write as of late.
If I could get him to go to counseling, I think it might help but that is't going to happen any time soon based on his 'I'm just fine', attitude.
So - you told him it could do irreparable harm to the relationship and he chose to go anyway. If there are no consequences to his actions, why would he stop? I mean, if he can have you at home, taking his phone calls, waiting patiently - AND eat his cake too - why not?
He is in such a fog, it hasn't occurred to him that he could actually lose you over this. And he may need a dose of reality before this is all over.
What are you going to do when he comes home? What will you do if he says he's "confused" or that he wants to continue a relationship with her?
Not everybody would handle it the way I would, but if it was me? I'd stop taking his calls while he's there with her. I'd let him take a cab home from the airport. And I'd have his stuff packed and waiting for him on the front porch with a nice note about how I deserve better treatment and here's his reservation at the local motel.
(And, if you haven't done it already, check all the financial accounts and consider removing half of the savings to a separate account if you can - he's a "flight risk", and sometimes guys in this kind of fog empty the bank accounts to run off with their dream girl.)
Coming home to a nice cooked meal and his cozy bed is one thing. Coming home to be slapped in the face with the consequences of his actions is another. It's not the right choice for everyone, but you do need to have some healthy boundaries - for me, this would have far exceeded mine.
