re the length of the post, the longer the better . Your insight into my sitch is greatly valued so thanks.
I have not previously mentioned that I found out about a health issue earlier this year and had to have a kidney biopsy. W did not really show any support.
My mum has also had an ongoing serious illness that is still being investigated. This continues to be a worry.
Could this have anything to do with W being like she is?
Re the letter for the record I have never asked her how she felt. She worded the letter that way and I am not sure why. I have never asked how she felt since before I first read DR - in the early days following BD when she gave me a completely different set of reasons to the ones in the letter! But that is history now as it seems whatever I change there is something else she comes up with to justify her decision. I think she just felt the need to spew at the guarantor thing.
I am trying to learn what I can from the letter but it is seriously distorted. I have not responded to W yet as I would literally be listing out inaccuracies in the content. Things about not getting a job quicker, me living at home, mum running bank accounts etc etc. It is all nothing like. I lived at home briefly when me and my best friend let our rented house go cos he went back to College. I was at home 2 months before I met W. Then yest I moved in with her sometime later. Re my work I was in a new job 6 mths after S was born (would have been earlier but references, notice periods etc all take time). There were no money issues until we realised he had special needs and one of us would have to give up work. By then I already had a new job.
Work Re not letting work know. I did and even though I was a new employee my boss let me take a months special leave to be at home and get things organised before returning to work. Work were always supportive of my sitch and whenever S was rushed to hospital in the early years my boss just said don't even think about work - get what u need to get done at home then let us know.
Hence my loyalty to work and me working for the same company for over 10yrs. I had a good boss who had been with our sitch from the start. I have no idea where she gets the work issues from.
There have never been work issues and I have never lost a job - quite the opposite I have always been succesful at work.
Benefits Oh our benefits system is crazy. Yes Wife would get a house and decent lifestyle through the UK taxpayer. In fact she would have a v good lifestyle considering she does not work. Benefits are split into elements - you got housing benefit for the house and other benefits for living. The issue with the house is that W housing benefit would not cover the rent (hence the need for a guarantor). She would therefore have to top up the rent from her other benefits. I did not think this was affordable - she did. Hence I would not be guarantor but if she could get a friend to do it then i would not have had an issue.
However, it also transpired that she had told the letting agent I would be guarantor before she asked me! I then had my boss taking calls at work to be a reference for me as guarantor on W new property. When my boss refused the lettings agent tried our Human Resource dept. This was a tad embarrasing as you can imagine.
She says I kept her hanging because when she first told me I needed to think about it. Said I wanted to be supportive but it was a big ask and I would need some time. I had some time and told her no. The second I said no she flipped without giving me chance to explain (hence the letter). She has since, in a calmer conversation asked why and I explained it to her. She then started being nice again!!
Son His condition is 22q13 deletion syndrome - rare chromosome disorder with a number of features. No speech, floppy muscle tone, autistic behaviours etc etc. It has been v difficult for both of us and yes W more so. But I spent quality time with him each weekend and in the week. We have always called him 'daddys boy' because we do have a special bond that him and W don't seem to have. Not sure why that is but W has acknowledged it. It hurts that W has told mutual friends that it would not matter to S if she left as I am not there for him anyway. This is complete nonsense.
Son will require any place she gets to be adapted and yes, he will wreck parts of it!
Wife She gave up work when S was born and has never worked since. She has little qualifications and her career was based on experience. Whilst she had worked her way up the ladder it took her a long time and was based on her experience of the company. Take that away and she had nothing left.
She did go back to College to do a maths course in the evenings that I supported her with (again no mention in the letter!).
Re your comments on her supporting me - well yes and no. She supported as far as keeping the house going.
She has never acknowledged that I never had a break. I spend all week at work and all weekend with the kids. Most summer holidays I am the one that took S swimming, to the beach etc and spends the bulk of the time with him whilst she can have a rest. Has never acknowledged the fact that with youngest S I cannot do as much DIY etc at weekends as I need to spend time with him to give her a break. All this is point scoring and pointless I know but you hit a nerve that I had'nt thought of before and now I am typing I cant stop I could keep going but my letter would be longer than W!
Truth is I never expected anything from her I suppose. I loved her, thought she loved me and she never gave me any reason to think otherwise. I always thought we were a partership.
W has been bad at communicating when she is struggling. She pushed a lot of help away through her pride hence why family stopped helping. She felt that if she accepted help it would be a sign she could not cope. She also apologised to me shortly after BD that she was never good at communicating when she needed help. Difference is now I am expected to have seen it.
Finance Our finance sitch is complicated. As my earnings went up so did our credit card repayments. I can't lay all this on W but she insisted on taking charge of finance and I took my eye off the ball.
This means that I cannot afford financially to support 2 households. She knows this but it does not make any difference to her. She has become paranoid that I won't let her spend money, but continues to spend it regardless.
She asked today about having her own bank account and money - turns out she has set her own bank account up. This is again in an effort to get money together for deposit and bond for the house mentioned earlier as the landlord has now said he will accept proof of a bank account with money being depositied. She also needs a bond and deposit which I cannot afford to pay for. I told her this calmly and said if she needed to save some money then we would have to separate our accounts properly and she could save herself. I explained that with xmas round the corner we should be thinking of that as I don't want the kids to suffer because of this. She just snapped that they would have to make do and stormed off again.
Legal position I have secretly got legal advice and know my position and what it would cost. My sister is a senior partner for a law firm so it would not cost me anything. Wife is scared of this as again she sees it as power - and she has said this! However, my sisters reaction has been that she loves W and whilst her interests would be to protect me she would ensure that it would be in everyones best interests.
I have tried explaining to W that I would never try and do her over in a divorce and that my sister would not either. Truth is that W is in a much better position than me if we D but W has not even mentioned the D word.
Careprovider We have someone who has S 2 times per wk (Wednesday after school and Sunday). I have researched thoroughly and at the moment this is as good as it gets where we live. W has also battled hard to get more.
General Okay so where does that leave me. I am being the best I can be but I am finding it difficult to be upbeat with W. She looks awful, never says anything positive about anyone (not just me), and is generally not nice to be around - should I say that about my W?. She even made a sarcastic comment about how I look - said the tan made me look dirty and asked me why I would spend so much time at the gym at my age! I just ignore this.
I remain upbeat for 2 S (eldest is at University so living away), and am making sure I keep up with my 180's. W did notice the washing basket was empty today! (well nearly empty)
I am giving W as much space as I can. I am enjoying having this time with S and it is giving me time to do reading up on DB and my sitch in general.
BUT and this is a big BUT - I am still early days but getting tired. I am not liking W at the moment and a big part of me wants her to move out as I just don't like being around her. However, I am torn that I don't want S to move. She is starting to drag me down and I can't let that happen. I know this is prob just my mood at the moment but I am constantly having to be on my guard. Financially I don't trust her and I can't help thinking what will happen next! I can't live like that. I can detach as far as giving her space, not getting emotionally involved etc but her actions are directly impacting on my families stability and financial security. I cannot let that happen.
I do still love her, I do still believe in marriage and I do still believe in a family home for my children. I have written that down in the notepad on my mobile phone which I refer to whenever I get like this.
Okay a long post from me again and some of it repeating my earlier stuff, spewing etc etc etc. It is also negative which I don't like but it is how I feel at them moment. I am not trying to point score over W and would not say the above to her. A lot of it is me justifying to myself that I am not losing my mind and ranting.
But thank you for the advice again. I will take it on board. Just a last note - your comment re thinking W will come back as she would struggle with OM taking on the commitment of a special needs child - yes I have thought the same - but would I want her back if that is the only reason i.e she can't find anyone else to commit? just a thought thats all.
. Your insight into my sitch is greatly valued so thanks. 