re the length of the post, the longer the better . Your insight into my sitch is greatly valued so thanks.
I have not previously mentioned that I found out about a health issue earlier this year and had to have a kidney biopsy. W did not really show any support.
My mum has also had an ongoing serious illness that is still being investigated. This continues to be a worry.
Could this have anything to do with W being like she is?
Re the letter for the record I have never asked her how she felt. She worded the letter that way and I am not sure why. I have never asked how she felt since before I first read DR - in the early days following BD when she gave me a completely different set of reasons to the ones in the letter! But that is history now as it seems whatever I change there is something else she comes up with to justify her decision. I think she just felt the need to spew at the guarantor thing.
I am trying to learn what I can from the letter but it is seriously distorted. I have not responded to W yet as I would literally be listing out inaccuracies in the content. Things about not getting a job quicker, me living at home, mum running bank accounts etc etc. It is all nothing like. I lived at home briefly when me and my best friend let our rented house go cos he went back to College. I was at home 2 months before I met W. Then yest I moved in with her sometime later. Re my work I was in a new job 6 mths after S was born (would have been earlier but references, notice periods etc all take time). There were no money issues until we realised he had special needs and one of us would have to give up work. By then I already had a new job.
Work Re not letting work know. I did and even though I was a new employee my boss let me take a months special leave to be at home and get things organised before returning to work. Work were always supportive of my sitch and whenever S was rushed to hospital in the early years my boss just said don't even think about work - get what u need to get done at home then let us know.
Hence my loyalty to work and me working for the same company for over 10yrs. I had a good boss who had been with our sitch from the start. I have no idea where she gets the work issues from.
There have never been work issues and I have never lost a job - quite the opposite I have always been succesful at work.
Benefits Oh our benefits system is crazy. Yes Wife would get a house and decent lifestyle through the UK taxpayer. In fact she would have a v good lifestyle considering she does not work. Benefits are split into elements - you got housing benefit for the house and other benefits for living. The issue with the house is that W housing benefit would not cover the rent (hence the need for a guarantor). She would therefore have to top up the rent from her other benefits. I did not think this was affordable - she did. Hence I would not be guarantor but if she could get a friend to do it then i would not have had an issue.
However, it also transpired that she had told the letting agent I would be guarantor before she asked me! I then had my boss taking calls at work to be a reference for me as guarantor on W new property. When my boss refused the lettings agent tried our Human Resource dept. This was a tad embarrasing as you can imagine.
She says I kept her hanging because when she first told me I needed to think about it. Said I wanted to be supportive but it was a big ask and I would need some time. I had some time and told her no. The second I said no she flipped without giving me chance to explain (hence the letter). She has since, in a calmer conversation asked why and I explained it to her. She then started being nice again!!
Son His condition is 22q13 deletion syndrome - rare chromosome disorder with a number of features. No speech, floppy muscle tone, autistic behaviours etc etc. It has been v difficult for both of us and yes W more so. But I spent quality time with him each weekend and in the week. We have always called him 'daddys boy' because we do have a special bond that him and W don't seem to have. Not sure why that is but W has acknowledged it. It hurts that W has told mutual friends that it would not matter to S if she left as I am not there for him anyway. This is complete nonsense.
Son will require any place she gets to be adapted and yes, he will wreck parts of it!
Wife She gave up work when S was born and has never worked since. She has little qualifications and her career was based on experience. Whilst she had worked her way up the ladder it took her a long time and was based on her experience of the company. Take that away and she had nothing left.
She did go back to College to do a maths course in the evenings that I supported her with (again no mention in the letter!).
Re your comments on her supporting me - well yes and no. She supported as far as keeping the house going.
She has never acknowledged that I never had a break. I spend all week at work and all weekend with the kids. Most summer holidays I am the one that took S swimming, to the beach etc and spends the bulk of the time with him whilst she can have a rest. Has never acknowledged the fact that with youngest S I cannot do as much DIY etc at weekends as I need to spend time with him to give her a break. All this is point scoring and pointless I know but you hit a nerve that I had'nt thought of before and now I am typing I cant stop I could keep going but my letter would be longer than W!
Truth is I never expected anything from her I suppose. I loved her, thought she loved me and she never gave me any reason to think otherwise. I always thought we were a partership.
W has been bad at communicating when she is struggling. She pushed a lot of help away through her pride hence why family stopped helping. She felt that if she accepted help it would be a sign she could not cope. She also apologised to me shortly after BD that she was never good at communicating when she needed help. Difference is now I am expected to have seen it.
Finance Our finance sitch is complicated. As my earnings went up so did our credit card repayments. I can't lay all this on W but she insisted on taking charge of finance and I took my eye off the ball.
This means that I cannot afford financially to support 2 households. She knows this but it does not make any difference to her. She has become paranoid that I won't let her spend money, but continues to spend it regardless.
She asked today about having her own bank account and money - turns out she has set her own bank account up. This is again in an effort to get money together for deposit and bond for the house mentioned earlier as the landlord has now said he will accept proof of a bank account with money being depositied. She also needs a bond and deposit which I cannot afford to pay for. I told her this calmly and said if she needed to save some money then we would have to separate our accounts properly and she could save herself. I explained that with xmas round the corner we should be thinking of that as I don't want the kids to suffer because of this. She just snapped that they would have to make do and stormed off again.
Legal position I have secretly got legal advice and know my position and what it would cost. My sister is a senior partner for a law firm so it would not cost me anything. Wife is scared of this as again she sees it as power - and she has said this! However, my sisters reaction has been that she loves W and whilst her interests would be to protect me she would ensure that it would be in everyones best interests.
I have tried explaining to W that I would never try and do her over in a divorce and that my sister would not either. Truth is that W is in a much better position than me if we D but W has not even mentioned the D word.
Careprovider We have someone who has S 2 times per wk (Wednesday after school and Sunday). I have researched thoroughly and at the moment this is as good as it gets where we live. W has also battled hard to get more.
General Okay so where does that leave me. I am being the best I can be but I am finding it difficult to be upbeat with W. She looks awful, never says anything positive about anyone (not just me), and is generally not nice to be around - should I say that about my W?. She even made a sarcastic comment about how I look - said the tan made me look dirty and asked me why I would spend so much time at the gym at my age! I just ignore this.
I remain upbeat for 2 S (eldest is at University so living away), and am making sure I keep up with my 180's. W did notice the washing basket was empty today! (well nearly empty)
I am giving W as much space as I can. I am enjoying having this time with S and it is giving me time to do reading up on DB and my sitch in general.
BUT and this is a big BUT - I am still early days but getting tired. I am not liking W at the moment and a big part of me wants her to move out as I just don't like being around her. However, I am torn that I don't want S to move. She is starting to drag me down and I can't let that happen. I know this is prob just my mood at the moment but I am constantly having to be on my guard. Financially I don't trust her and I can't help thinking what will happen next! I can't live like that. I can detach as far as giving her space, not getting emotionally involved etc but her actions are directly impacting on my families stability and financial security. I cannot let that happen.
I do still love her, I do still believe in marriage and I do still believe in a family home for my children. I have written that down in the notepad on my mobile phone which I refer to whenever I get like this.
Okay a long post from me again and some of it repeating my earlier stuff, spewing etc etc etc. It is also negative which I don't like but it is how I feel at them moment. I am not trying to point score over W and would not say the above to her. A lot of it is me justifying to myself that I am not losing my mind and ranting.
But thank you for the advice again. I will take it on board. Just a last note - your comment re thinking W will come back as she would struggle with OM taking on the commitment of a special needs child - yes I have thought the same - but would I want her back if that is the only reason i.e she can't find anyone else to commit? just a thought thats all.
Have been thinking about me and W pending separation. What is the best way to support her? At the moment I am letting her get on with it and she asks if she needs something. Shld I be more involved in finding her new home, helping finance it, helping her move etc etc. I am watching her run around like a mad woman trying to sort her benefits out, find a place, find furniture etc
How do I show her I care but at the same time leave her to it? After my anger/frustration of yesterday I am worried she is running herself into the ground with this. Shld I even offer her to move out and leave S here whilst she gets herself sorted?
The one thing she does ask for is financial support which I can't give to her. She then goes cold and thinks I am being awkward.
This is the one main issue at the moment that is causing tension. I cannot get her to appreciate our financial sitch and how I cannot afford to financially support her whilst she does this. She thinks I am being cold.
I know I keep coming back to this and I realise S will help us both clear our heads.
Sandi2, I have been re-reading the advice given to me on here and the piece re expecting the worst struck me. W has started being v secretive about financial stuff and whether or not she is moving. I think she has a house and is not telling me (lots of secret phonecalls etc, new bank account) and am worried she may be about to do something drastic with our joint finances. Did u mean expect the worst in terms of D, her behaviour or both? I continue to go up n down like a yo yo with her. But so far managing to keep my cool in front of her. The latest was she wld not spend money from the joint account as she does not earn any. I can't help thinking something major is about to happen. U were right with her anger and quotes (did u read the email she sent that I posted?). 25yrsmlc gave some great advice on it that I am working with.
I continue to stand my ground on a lot of issues (mainly financial related) and worried she is going o take matters in her own hands.
I know being secretive is a common trait in my sitch - she sees me as the enemy and the one barrier to her happiness. The fantasy u spoke about. But how do I deal with all this and expect her to think anything but bad when the fog finally lifts?
Is this a bit of a breakthru or have things just got a whole lot worse.
This am W finally felt the need to tell me about OM. She says he is just a v good friend, but everything else she said means it is def an EA. He confided in her when he was thinking of leaving his M, and he did leave his M (with support from my W!) And he has been providing emotional support to W throughout our sitch right back to Dec 11.
W does not understand term EA(well she says she doesn't) and I sat there numb while she rhymed everything off. She says they txt, chat online and meet up but nothing physical has happened and she has no intention of that.
I did not rly respond other than saying I was hurt that she has become emotionally involved with OM and told him intimate details of our M. She does not see the issue with this and even said she wishes he was a girlfriend then it would not seem so weird to other people. I did thank her for telling me tho she does not see their R as an issue. I also stayed calm.
Someone here posted a link to a recent MWD artyicle on EA that I read. Given W appears to think she has done nothing wrong shld I show it to her or wld this make things worse?
I am pretty devasted but tbh I pretty much suspected as much anyway so not a huge surprise. She has no intention of NC with him (I did ask what her pos with him was going forwards).
However, I am v angry that between them they have destroyed 2 Ms and 5 kids lives in the process (OM has 3 kids).
OM and is W were mutual friends until about 12mths ago when he started acying funny with me(quiet, not saying much etc). Stupidly I remember asking W at the time did she notice he seemed uncomfortable with me around. Shortly after he left his W.
Pleaser can someone advise how I now deal with this? I cannot force NC, I cannot get W to realise that this is an EA and the damage it has caused.
She says he understands her, they have a lot in common etc etc.
Thinsg just seem to be going from bad to worse at the moment and rly just getting to the point where I have had enough.
Any help please as I feel like I am about to lose it.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
Pleaser can someone advise how I now deal with this? I cannot force NC, I cannot get W to realise that this is an EA and the damage it has caused.
She says he understands her, they have a lot in common etc etc
First, I doubt she would have told you about him if it was physical.
You are correct that you can't force her to do anything. But you can control your response to the EA, and this includes even laying down an ultimatum should you choose to do so. Now I'm not recommending you do this, I'm just pointing out you do have choices here.
Giving her the article probably won't help.
Do you guys talk much? Personally, I would try to figure out why she confides in him regarding your M more than(?) you. Why does she think he understands her better. She brought this issue up to you so there is some comfort level between you. Maybe try to build on this, as a way to work out your issues. Allow her to keep telling you about him and what they talk about.
When she stops talking about him you know it went physical. Keep us posted.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Ok just read my last few posts. I am sounding like a victim again!!!! Need to grow a pair and get on and STOP mind reading and point scoring. I already pretty much knew there was an EA so why am I devastated when W tells me? Because I didn't think my innocent W cld do that, blah blah!!
When will I finally accept that old W has gone!
I can either detach, focus, GAL and continue to make me better OR continue with this tit for tat I keep posting.
I have been focussing too much on W interpretation of the past, feeling sorry for myself and generally acting like an ass!!
I have kept up with my 180s and continue on with them. But that awakening and new man in the DB rules just never rly happened! It was a half a+@+d attempt.
I am now starting to realise W comment about boy and strong man. The penny has dropped and she is right. I am strong in some areas but when it comes to stuff like this the little boy victim is just desperate to get out - and at last I can see it. Unfortunately it is taking Sep and an EA to realise it.
Well no more - the strong man W wants is coming, the little boy is going for ever. It is time to rly fight for what I want and stop playing at it.
On that note I am going to end this thread and start a new one for a real new me.
Thanks you 25yrs, sandi2, AS, FY and everyone else who has advised me and followed my sitch. I hope u continue to do so and someday I hope I can advise others.
FY thanks - u will have seen my latest post. I am not going to set an ultimatum as she is already done with M - what can I do? Threaten to kicke her out? Threaten D, tell her to stop contact or else? etc etc etc. At the moment she wld race to a lawyer and ask where to sign.
I need to make myself the better option, a man that only a fool wld leave. I will deal with the emotions of an A when the time comes and now is not the time. I need to keep focussed, keep strong and I know why she went there - emotional support that I had not been giving.
Thanks for the advice but I think I know what to do. Easier said than done I know but db is starting to click (and about time too).
. Your insight into my sitch is greatly valued so thanks.