3 years aftet D-Day and i finally registet

[Am I Too Late]

Well, my son felt good enough to go shopping for his Halloween costume and a new pair of gym shoes. He shredded the 1st pair in the first two months of school.

He developed a 100.8 degree fever about 3 hours after we got home though, so i gave him some childrens ibuprofen and that took care of the fever, so he was good to go to school this morning.

My wife finally texted last night to see how he was doing. She should have followed up on Saturday instead if she really was concerned like a mother should be. I will give her a return call in a while, but i am not responding immediately.

Now, is that right?

Since it's about our son, should i reply sooner?

I really would like some advice and mentoring please.

I don't want to further alienate her feelings towards me. This is SO opposite of how i would have responded at any other point in our marriage, but is it right to do a 180 when it comes to letting her know how our son is doing?

I realized yesterday that this past Saturday was Sweetest Day. I never missed getting and doing things for her, even in the past 3 years since d-day. I had a private meltdown thinking about how much i enjoyed getting her gifts and always filling out the cards with loving sentiments. Dang, i still miss the woman i married.

I still am trying to show detachment though, even if it hurts more to act that way.

Can somebody talk to me. I feel pretty lonely posting several days in a row and not getting feedback.

Ed

[Am I Too Late]

So, as i said in the last post, i dod follow through and called het to update het on our sons minor sickness episode.

The conversation was a short 7 minutes long and i told her we shopped for and bought his Halloween costume and a pair of new gym shoes.

That was supposed to be one of yhr thingd she said she wad going to do last week Saturday.

So, did i enable her once agsin, or just place the needs of my son first?

I am grateful to be able to record all these events, or should i say non-events thay dhe says she will do with and for him.

Ed

[AlkalineThoughts]

Ed,

Man... you really need to detach. Read up on a thousand threads here on the subject...

That being said, I'll try to answer a couple of your questions.

When the communication is about your son, you DO NOT "play games" or wait to respond... It's not your job to teach her a lesson by witholding information on your son.

Plus, you complain that she's not a good mother, but when she does reach out to find out about her son, you're waiting to get back to her? Doesn't make a lot of sense here.

What are you doing to enable her? You're allowing her to occupy your mind ALL the time... You spend a lot of time saying what she should do, what she shouldn't do, how she should or shouldn't act... but you need to realize that NOTHING you say or do can change what she says or does at this point.

You need to focus on YOU and your SON... Detach your emotions as much as you can from your W so she doesn't continue to have such amazing power over you.

It's been said a million times, but it's true: GET A LIFE! The more you stay busy on things FOR YOU, the easier it will be to step back from the emotional turmoil you're putting yourself through.

And keep posting, and read other people's threads. It will help you more than you know.

[Am I Too Late]

Just for clarification, i called her when i knew she was on a break rather than leaving a voice mail message so she could ask detailed questions.

I do not want to play head games, especially regarding our son.

I have been reading through a lot of threads on this forum too, but don't have the wisdom to comment just yet, except to offer empathy.

Ed

[Am I Too Late]

Also, before i called her back, i wanted to make sure o didn't say anything judgmental or angry. I wanted to make sure i was composed and specifically dealt with our sons health issue.

Thank you for responding.

Ed

[leopoldstotch]

Ed, I couldn't have said it better than how Alkaline said it. Do not withhold info about your S. I see you being an enabler because you have made excuses for her destructive behavior at times instead of letting her suffer the consequences of her actions. I hate to be harsh but I think you really need it. Stop being and playing the VICTIM. You made mistakes your W made mistakes own your mistakes, forgive yourself for them and stop allowing her to OWN you.

Right now I still you as weak and needy. When are you going to regain your self respect back and YOUR life? Do you feel that she is YOUR life? If so why? Have you really read up on how to detach? I don't think you have because you are still tied to every little thing she does , doesn't do, says or doesn't say. Is this how YOU Ed want to live the rest of YOUR life pining for her? What is it going to take for you to wake and realize that you do not control her but that you control you and only you?

What is it that you do to take your mind off all this? I'm not talking about work and things you do with your S. What do you do for YOU? If you do not take care of yourself and GAL you will always be the way you are now. Ed read as much as you can on here there is a lot for you to learn. Do you know what drop the rope means? That is what you need to do. C'mon Ed WAKE UP!!! YOU have work to do. NO MORE EXCUSES!

[AlkalineThoughts]

Don't mean to gang up on you here Ed, but Butters is dead on here... Why don't you go ahead and do this: For one of your next posts, throw up some goals that you have FOR YOU. What are your plans to start taking the steps you need to take to become a better person?

These goals should not exclusively include your S. Although time with him is extraordinarily important, time for YOU is also very important.

You can't continue down the path you're on. It's not good for you OR your S... Don't you want to set a good example for him? You need to show him you're strong and can get through this, and help HIM through this. Spending so much time blaming W for her issues, wondering about her whereabouts or activities... Well these things do nothing but keep you down.

Listen, I'm no expert at DB, as I'm VERY much in the thick of things right now, but I've seen enough to know when people are at least on the right path or the wrong one. And you are most certainly on the wrong one.

Now, let's see those goals.

[25yearsmlc]

Actually I thought I was quoting your answers to him, and his to you. I meant to address you (if you are Ed.)

Are you?

25YrsMlc, you were quoting LeopoldStoch with the majority of your responses and questions. I am not sure if that was what you intended to do.

She drinks when she goes out to bars and house parties from past history. She is not drinking prior to showing up on the occasions she has attended his karate classes. They are right after she gets done driving her school bus route and early Saturday mornings.

I am detaching the best way that i know how to presently.

What do you see as me still enabling her?

I have not had contact with her since lastlast Saturday. I stopped giving her updates on our dons scheduled upcoming events. I don't text her anymore photos of him enjoying his activities. I no longer reply quickly to her texts or voice mail messages.

After i entered my last post, i missed a phone call from her as we were driving back home from the restaurant because my phone was set to silent mode still from the meeting i was at.

This time she left a voice mail message that i will respond to later. She called 2 times in a row and was ticked off and stated i have not gotten back to her after 3 calls so fat this week.

So now, this probably makes me into a bigger enemy to her that her and her
M can rally against getting more unified.

I don't want to become her enemy any more than she already has made me out to be.

As far as a custody agreement, the courts prefer to continue with the status quo and i have proven to be a capable parent child care provider.

Yes, i want to avoid divorce court as long as i have not been served. Her lawyer did file last January 6th for sure. I do not have funds for a retainer fee and free legal help has declined to represent me. I have inquired with several entities.

So please tell me how and what i am doing to enable her?

Ed
.....

[25yearsmlc]

Well, my son felt good enough to go shopping for his Halloween costume and a new pair of gym shoes. He shredded the 1st pair in the first two months of school.

He developed a 100.8 degree fever about 3 hours after we got home though, so i gave him some childrens ibuprofen and that took care of the fever, so he was good to go to school this morning.

My wife finally texted last night to see how he was doing. She should have followed up on Saturday instead if she really was concerned like a mother should be. I will give her a return call in a while, but i am not responding immediately.

You can leave the judgement out of it. We know she's not mother of the year. SHE knows he's in good hands with you. And a fever of less than 101'F usually just gets some Ibuprofen or tylenol unless there are other symptoms. I mean you did fine but the wording shows your anger at being a single parent.

And you've been one for awhile now.

Now, is that right?

Since it's about our son, should i reply sooner?

YES you should, imo. Don't punish or play games when it comes to him. It's NOT about whether she "deserves" the info, it's about your son.

I really would like some advice and mentoring please.

I don't want to further alienate her feelings towards me. This is SO opposite of how i would have responded at any other point in our marriage, but is it right to do a 180 when it comes to letting her know how our son is doing?


what are you talking about doing, being silent re your son? That can bite you in the rear end in Court. And it's punitive too.

It's one thing to let her face the consequences of her choices, it's quite another to impose them on her.

The first is fine, the second is wrong. It's not your job to "teach her a lesson" or "show her the consequences of her choices",

LIFE does that to them.

I realized yesterday that this past Saturday was Sweetest Day. I never missed getting and doing things for her, even in the past 3 years since d-day. I had a private meltdown thinking about how much i enjoyed getting her gifts and always filling out the cards with loving sentiments. Dang, i still miss the woman i married.

Did you read anything at all on Detachment? You must.

I still am trying to show detachment though, even if it hurts more to act that way.

why does it hurt MORE? You must not realize what we mean by detachment. I'll post a short piece on it here.

Detachment does NOT mean you don't care or that you dislike them. It does not mean you stop loving them OR that you are giving up.

it's first and foremost a self protecting strategy. Second, it helps you GAL, which you really need to do (involve other people in that too. New people!)

Third, SOMETIMES as a byproduct (but never the purpose of) of detachment, the WAS becomes intrigued or curious about what WE are doing or feeling or planning...and that CAN lead to them awakening a bit to the concept of us moving on and NOT just waiting for them.

I find that the more you reassure a WAS of your "always being there for them" the LONGER they take to explore all other options before they think of returning, if they ever do.

The idea that the cannot lose you, means they need not treat you well. In fact it's often a reason FOR them running more b/c they feel trapped and stalked by your promise of fidelity and loyalty in the face of obvious betrayal.

And they tend to lose respect for their LBSer, and losing respect for our h's is often the deathknell to ever feeling love for them.



Can somebody talk to me. I feel pretty lonely posting several days in a row and not getting feedback.

Ed

Here's the piece on detachment


"This was originally posted by Peanut.
============
II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.

Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals.

[u]
We can not control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.


If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’ It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act.

I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."

[/u]
Ed, I hope this helps.

[Am I Too Late]

Yes, it helps immensely. Thank you very much.

I was concentrating my thread reading in the Solution Oriented Workshop, snd in particular, the thread from sgtxok regarding the LRT
Ed