It's interesting how I feel different when I read my older posts here. Since last night, something inside me clicked and I don't feel so bad anymore when I think about H.
It's really weird and I'm not even trying to do it this way. Does it mean i'm finally more detached? I somehow feel lost, does it still mean I want him back?
I mean, I know i do, I want to be a better wife for him, and I know I'm not ready yet. I still want a chance with him. But why am I not feeling so bad anymore?
Heart still aches..... I just watched a movie, and I miss watching movies with him when we were on good terms..... We laughed, I asked him silly questions...the way he looked at me..... I want this back, so badly. I'm actually crying now, I need to stop crying and do things for me..... It's so strange that I don't feel the same pain that I felt but it's a different kind of feeling that makes me cry....
Can't help wondering what H is doing.....I feel sick of doing this. I accomplished something good today, I guess I should feel proud of myself a little. I also feel powerless right now....this is so a roller coaster experience.... I gotta believe in this, I know....I need to be more patient. I need to practice being happy more.
Nina, thanks for your reply to my posts. I can really relate to your story, with no kids and living apart it is easy to loose hope and think that things will not change because there is so little contact.
The thing that worked for me was, of course, GAL and focusing on my own life. I have read so many books and this forum for inspiration which has opened my eyes and helped me grow from this experience. I don't know your beliefs, but I am reading scripture and talking/crying to God at length everyday which is absolutely the most beneficial for me. It is such a comfort and I feel that I have gained so much strength and peace knowing God is always there for me. I have family and friends but there is so much I don't want to share with them yet, so I just give it all over to God because he is always listening. I used to have nightmares or wake up crying, and I would immediately start talking to God and asking for peace of mind and heart -- it worked for me.
I was a nervous wreck until the first time he called me (over a month after he left) and after that it got better. I realized that nothing I said would ever change his mind and bring him back, he would have to deal with his feelings and decide on his own. The most powerful thing was when I realized that I was genuinely happy with myself and my positive personal progress, and I accepted that I was going to be OK whether he came back or not. This was when I detached.
Of course I still want him back and I'm continuing the DB strategies, but I don't feel that same pain and sadness that killed me in the beginning. Now I feel confident in myself and I feel like he is the one missing out if he doesn't come back to the marriage.
Good luck and keep your head up!! I agree with what others have told me, he is giving you the gift of time now so use it wisely and work on positive changes in yourself. It does get easier.
M: 38yo, H: 44yo Together:10yrs Married: 6yrs No kids BD 8/15/12 H walked-out 8/18/12
Thank you Jendp, I really appreciate you sharing how you found peace of mind and heart. And I'm glad the GAL works well. It's helping me to know that there's hope for me to find peace in me too in the future.
I am not so good at GAL yet, but I've got ideas and I'm working on some of them (Drawing and working out). I also plan on reading more
You are very right, after all, it's his decision and I can't control it....I never realized that I couldn't "control" my H before this all happened. I used to ask him to do things for me and he did them all....and I took it for granted.... Now, I keep reflecting and I realized how my behavior damaged our relationship....I guess I should stop thinking about this too much at this point, I know I am willing to change for me, him, and our marriage...I just gotta show the action with the proper mind set.... It makes it extra hard to think that he wouldn't give me this one chance....
I'm glad your H called you finally like I said in your post. It's good to know that you feel confident in yourself too, I'm looking forward to get to that stage as well Thanks for letting me know!!
I'm still hoping to hear from my H...Although, I'm not quite sure when it will be.... I don't think I'm mysterious to him at all or would he care.... But... the mean time, like you said, I will take the time as my gift to get to the better me that i want Let's keep each other posted, and I hope we both will be strong and go through this
Today I got a "prize" from a grocery store, I picked a snack and I felt really happy. I am still not detached from H apparently, cuz when I picked my little prize, I was thinking about him, how he would be there and be happy with me.....How I miss that.....
He's looking for a job right now, I know he's under a lot of pressure, but only knowing it doesn't really make me understand it properly.... I mean, I still feel bad. He contacts everyone, seems to me.... but me. To be honest, I don't know how to take anything he says to me right now so, maybe it's a good thing.... But meanwhile, I really wanna call him....Don't worry, I won't call, I know that even if I call, he wouldn't pick it up. Sigh....
I like the first sentence of your post: Today I got a "prize" from a grocery store, I picked a snack and I felt really happy. The rest is about your "H". Let's have a look at the post as if it was a representation of what you will be doing in the near future. I'd like you to expand the first sentence and shrink the rest. Get the prizes in your life you deserve.
I wonder how you deal with the no contact thing....
I mean...I'm working on GAL and being positive (so hard), but I keep wondering this.." how do I deal with it when H actually contacts me? How do i deal with it if he never contacts me?"
Anyone been through this waiting process before? Any advices please?
It's funny today I met a woman from my home country. She's been here over like 20 years or so. She asked me why I moved here, I said mostly for my H. Then she gave me this look and said " How can you two from different countries live together? How can you even communicate?" Then, I started to tell her how wonderful my H was and how we liked same things, and so on without even thinking about how bad of a situation we are in right now Then i felt a bit sad, like I couldn't really make a point saying "we are very well fit together".... I miss my H... But I don't think he misses me as much.... I understand though. How I wish I could hold H's hand and chat with that woman....
If only H would realize that I am capable of being the girl that he used to love..... I still can't help blaming myself for changing into a not so great person, and treating him badly. I start to remember that he has many flaws, and I remember that I didn't mind at first, but later, I became so self-centered and thought he needed to be perfect..... But looking back, I wasn't getting perfect then how could I have asked him to be..... I forgot how we were so in love, and promised to communicate and solve our problems, and I adore his silliness and he liked mine. How did everything all change.... I mean, I know it's been a long time...
I felt like if he didn't meet this OW...maybe, maybe... but again, then I wouldn't have realized how horrible things turned out.... and then, the OW will definitely show up later in life... Sigh....
Then i felt a bit sad, like I couldn't really make a point saying "we are very well fit together".... I miss my H... But I don't think he misses me as much.... I understand though. How I wish I could hold H's hand and chat with that woman....