H said this morning that strangely, he thinks the boys will become his top priority when he moves out. Interesting that he thinks being a part time dad is going to be a top priority. I don't get his thinking at all.
That's because his emotions are in full control. He's picturing a fantasy world where he has all the time in the world to spend bonding with the kids through various exciting activities, plus he'll have women swooning at his feet, he'll be a multi-millionaire and unicorns will fly through the sky pooping rainbow Skittles.
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As he gets closer to the move-out date he seems happier...
Because he is sooooo convinced his fantasy is about to become reality!
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I on the other hand feel worse and worse.
Because you're grounded in reality.
Originally Posted By: 7720
My W was very happy when she moved out...almost euphoric...most of that has faded
I think it's much the same for my W. She was positively giddy when she moved out. It appears the harsh reality of mowing the lawn, putting out ant poison, doing all the inside cleaning, laundry, etc. etc. and only seeing the kids every other week hit home. It's only been 6 weeks but I can already see a change in her attitude. She's trying to spend more time with the kids on the weeks that I have them and is hanging around my house longer when she comes over.
That's not to say a turnaround is imminent, maybe it is but I don't think so. She's warmed up to me a lot but going from there to talking about reconciliation is a huge jump that is likely months down the road. We all want this to end quickly, but it very rarely does.
That's because his emotions are in full control. He's picturing a fantasy world where he has all the time in the world to spend bonding with the kids through various exciting activities, plus he'll have women swooning at his feet, he'll be a multi-millionaire and unicorns will fly through the sky pooping rainbow Skittles.
I love some of your posts. You sure have a way with words... and they're meaningful.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
No "buts" about it. You HAVE to be strong. It's obvious that the kids are being affected. So you need to make it up for their sake. Don't let your H's poor attitude get to you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
So, my H hasn't been comm w OW outside of work for 2 weeks now (due to her angry H coming to our house in response to a sexually explicit email my H emailed to OW that her H intercepted.
This morning my H was taking my car to shop & then going to get picked up from there. He's done this in past for me. I asked who was picking him up and he said, "Who do you think?" I was so upset!!! I had offered to drive him to work (only 20 minutes extra out of my day & he was doing me a favor), but he had forgotten.
At first he didn't see the BIG DEAL about OW picking him up to take him 10 min to work. In a not very DBing way I told him it WAS a BIG DEAL and that it WASN'T about just getting a ride. That anything to do with OW was a BIG DEAL to ME!
He came back into the room after about 30 seconds and said, "I'm sorry, I was just insensitive to how this might have upset you. I didn't think about it being a big deal." Then he gave me a big hug.
He even called me on the way to work to apologize AGAIn for his insensitivity (even though he did take the ride from her anyway). He said, "I guess you can just add this to my list of screw-ups and bad decisions.
I am NOT sorry I got upset with him. And, I am GLAD he was sorry and said so. I just don't want him to think that after he moves out that if OW continues to be in the picture that I am going to let him have his cake and eat it too.
Did I handle this poorly in your opinions???
To me if OW is involved I will respond differently to him (which he does still talk to her at work every day) when he visits the boys. Or, maybe I shouldn't differentiate...not sure. Could use some advice...
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
I love some of your posts. You sure have a way with words... and they're meaningful.
LOL! It's fun to inject some humor in now and then so we're not all in super-serious mode all the time
Originally Posted By: turtlegirl
LOL, ANotherStander! Thanks!
No problem
Originally Posted By: turtlegirl
Did I handle this poorly in your opinions???
Nope, sounds like it went quite well actually. The fact that he apologized twice makes me think he respected you for standing up to him.
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To me if OW is involved I will respond differently to him (which he does still talk to her at work every day) when he visits the boys. Or, maybe I shouldn't differentiate...not sure. Could use some advice...
What do you mean by "involved"? EA, PA or just talking at work? Normally setting boundaries when one spouse is about to walk is not something easily enforced. If you tell him no contact with OW, then how do you enforce it after he moves out? You can't withhold his visitations with the kids because that would be punishing the kids. You really can't enforce boundaries once he moves out other than to refuse contact with him yourself, and that wouldn't work well with DB'ing unless you go LRT. I think you've just got to give him time and space and act "as if" everything is fine. His R with OW has got to run it's course and it's best not to interfere. If he were staying and trying to work on the M then by all means you should set boundaries regarding OW, but that all changes in a S.
AnotherStander, would you maybe explain a bit more on " but that all changes in a S." ?
What I meant is if a spouse has gotten to the point of actually walking out the door and not just threatening it, then they're no longer interested in working on the M. Once they walk out the door their focus is on themselves, finding the "happiness" they think has been "robbed" from them by the LBS. In time they may be interested in reconciliation, but not right after they walk.
So trying to set boundaries is difficult because they'll just see it as pressure and they'll likely think "what do I care about their rules, I'm on my own now!"
And if they walk, about the only boundary enforcement you can set is denying them of you. But if they walked, they're probably wanting to get away from you anyway. So if you say "no contact with OP, if I find out you break this rule then I will go NC on you." They're likely to think "what do I care, I left to get away from you anyway!"
What I meant is if a spouse has gotten to the point of actually walking out the door and not just threatening it, then they're no longer interested in working on the M. Once they walk out the door their focus is on themselves, finding the "happiness" they think has been "robbed" from them by the LBS. In time they may be interested in reconciliation, but not right after they walk.
So trying to set boundaries is difficult because they'll just see it as pressure and they'll likely think "what do I care about their rules, I'm on my own now!"
And if they walk, about the only boundary enforcement you can set is denying them of you. But if they walked, they're probably wanting to get away from you anyway. So if you say "no contact with OP, if I find out you break this rule then I will go NC on you." They're likely to think "what do I care, I left to get away from you anyway!"
I hope that clarifies what I was trying to say.
Thanks for this, I got it. I didn't realize that when they walk away, they are not interested in working on the M then. My H told me he'd be back before he left.... I didn't handle it well, and he hasn't been back. I realized that my expectations were based on false judgement back then!
You sure have a way with words... and they're meaningful.