I totally agree about they have changed completely, It's like talking to a stranger. But NinaNina and theUF, whatever you do, don't beg them, don't show interest, don't text, DO THE 180 on them. GAL!!! It so has worked for me. I would never have thought it would work but it has. He asked me to go to breakfast on Sunday and I just act like everything is great and he keeps asking small questions, but I really think he is regreting his decision. I don't know for sure how this week will be since he is going to be going back to work and will see the OW. But we had a nice conversation on Sunday and he told me he does not like to be alone and he misses me! I have hope!!
M-47, H-46 M24, T29 S19, S17 OW since 2007 Fighting ever since H left 8/12 H home 11/12 still seeing OW
But we had a nice conversation on Sunday and he told me he does not like to be alone and he misses me! I have hope!! [/quote]
Ready2Quit,
I sounds like there's some forward progress by what he said, BUT, because of where your H is he very well send negative messages just to confuse you (b/c he is confused)!
The fact that he misses you is very GOOD! Let him keep missing you. If my H said that to me after he moves out I would be THRILLED!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Thank you Ready2quit, I'm glad to hear that he actually said he misses you!! It's a good sign!!!!!!! I'm really happy for you!
I am not contacting H, and I don't know what he is doing. Can't help wondering from time to time but I am getting a bit better at this. Thank you and I hope you will see more hope
About the OW... I know I'm not doing a good job myself dealing with it, but since you can't really control that part, try not to worry about it much at the moment!
Thoughts....If my H want to come home, should I "impose" stipulations on him about the OW? I guess what I mean is, Should I tell him to block her on FB and show me, give me all his passwords to his accounts, let me see his phone bill with numbers of who he has called and texted? He would play the game "draw something" on his phone with her, should I tell him to delete it? How much is going to far with my "demands"? Do I tell him this is what I would like for you to do, but I am not going to force you to do this to come home?
He has left before and when I asked him about this stuff he said he would do it, but never did, that is how they communicate. But since this time he has been gone for over 2 months and I feel like if he wants to come home this time, he must really want to come home and not be with her because now is the time to make that decision. I am just not sure how to really believe him without checking up on him all the time, but then again what happens if I find something, that is why he left two months ago. I don't want this OW to run my life by me always thinking about her and what "might" be going on if he comes home. I want to stop this crazy ride and live my life with my H without OW, but how?
M-47, H-46 M24, T29 S19, S17 OW since 2007 Fighting ever since H left 8/12 H home 11/12 still seeing OW
[quote=NinaNina] Maybe it's a shield they put up? Maybe they don't want to send too much good vibes our way out of fear we will misinterpret?
My W started treating me really poorly for a while and finally came to me and said she couldn't do it anymore. She explained to me that she thought that treating me poorly would make it easier for me to move on. How's that for logic? She kept saying that she couldn't treat me like that anymore because I didn't deserve it, but that she also didn't want me "to get the wrong idea". In other words, she didn't want me to have any hope that reconciliation is possible. So yeah, I think that WAS's do modify their behavior so as not to imply any hope.
Originally Posted By: Ready2Quit
Thoughts....If my H want to come home, should I "impose" stipulations on him about the OW?
If he's coming home to reconcile, then yes, by all means there should be boundaries. No contact with OW and full access to his email & phone is a good place to start.
Quote:
How much is going to far with my "demands"? Do I tell him this is what I would like for you to do, but I am not going to force you to do this to come home?
It's only going too far if he doesn't want to reconcile, because if he doesn't want to then he's not going to agree to it. But I would make it clear to him that coming home is only allowable if he's planning on working on the M, and that in order to do that he's got to cut contact with OW.
Ready2Quit, My H hasn't yet moved out (but will in less than 2 wks), but I am quite sure that in order for him to move back I will also expect him to have NC w OW.
If he's not willing to do that, then I think that shows he has not yet recommitted to making your M work.
If you don't let him know (lovingly, but firmly) your expectations then you may regret it if/when he moves back in, b/c that may not be clear to HIM what you expect regarding OW.
After you discuss your conditions w him, he may need time to process your requests OR he may have already recognized that these things are ESSENTIAL to making your M work.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
[quote=NinaNina] Maybe it's a shield they put up? Maybe they don't want to send too much good vibes our way out of fear we will misinterpret?
My W started treating me really poorly for a while and finally came to me and said she couldn't do it anymore. She explained to me that she thought that treating me poorly would make it easier for me to move on. How's that for logic? She kept saying that she couldn't treat me like that anymore because I didn't deserve it, but that she also didn't want me "to get the wrong idea". In other words, she didn't want me to have any hope that reconciliation is possible. So yeah, I think that WAS's do modify their behavior so as not to imply any hope.
I can relate to this. My H would treat me like crap and then get upset because I didn't want him to leave and still wanted the M to work. He said that he was trying to get me to hate him so that I would agree to the D. I'm so thankful that even though we're not on the road to recovery yet that we're on good speaking terms and he isn't as big of a jerk.
Originally Posted By: Ready2Quit
But we had a nice conversation on Sunday and he told me he does not like to be alone and he misses me! I have hope!!
I'm happy for you. I can't wait for the time when my H say that he misses me. I agree that you should be cautious. Before my H dropped the D bomb, he was constantly back and forth with "I love you and I want to try and work it out" and "I'm done. It's over."
Me39 H35 M8 T14 Early 5/12 H FB post re: his love for me. End 5/12 H done trying, writes "Dear John" letter 6/12 Wants D, calls ATTY, no file 1/13 Loves me, wants to try, moves home 3/13 Changes mind
Thoughts....If my H want to come home, should I "impose" stipulations on him about the OW? I guess what I mean is, Should I tell him to block her on FB and show me, give me all his passwords to his accounts, let me see his phone bill with numbers of who he has called and texted? He would play the game "draw something" on his phone with her, should I tell him to delete it? How much is going to far with my "demands"? Do I tell him this is what I would like for you to do, but I am not going to force you to do this to come home?
Turtlegirl summed up my thoughts pretty good. Of course there should be boundaries, and if I were to end up in the situation were reconciliation would be an option I would put boundaries as well,
BUT, at least for me I think it's important to express how those boundaries are for IF and WHEN they are ready to reconcile. Then it will be more like their choice and not a forced rule. If they get one foot in the door first and then suddenly get struck with all these rules and boundaries they could get scared off again.
I know for myself I read too far into things. Like you mentioned the drawing game. For them it's innocent fun, for us it hurts. They may not realise how serious those things seem for us there and then, andmay feel like we are coming at them like sharks. Mind you, I don't have much experience in things like this, just my 2 cents.
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
She kept saying that she couldn't treat me like that anymore because I didn't deserve it, but that she also didn't want me "to get the wrong idea". In other words, she didn't want me to have any hope that reconciliation is possible. So yeah, I think that WAS's do modify their behavior so as not to imply any hope.