So some updates. Not sure how but today was much less argumentative. He actually listened to me. Yes. Really. He texted. Ha! Problem was- I couldn't decipher what he was saying. So I called and asked for clarification. He even apologized as he knew it was gibberish.
One of the things that came out of the other day is I told him that I had also voiced the need to not have so much contact and that he had not respected that. In addition, I did not like him showing up unannounced and just begin rummaging in things. As far as I was concerned this is MY home now by default and it feels invasive to come home and find him here going through things. I do not mind in the least that he gets his things. It was the manner in which he was going about it that I had problems with.
So anyway, he texted and asked if he could come get some things. Even though they were outside and in the other outbuildings he actually came to the door and told me, "I wanted you to know I was out here getting some things. I am not sneaking around."
The last part was a little passive aggressiveness but still it's okay. It's an improvement.
As for me- I obviously knew he was out there and what he was doing and I did not pursue him in any way. I didn't even get up and look out the window. Previously I would have looked and more than likely gone out to talk.
I also did not do anything differently. I kept on doing what I needed to do for me at the moment. I did not ask questions. I did not inquire to anything. I did not wave goodbye or go out to say it. He didn't come tell me he was leaving but that's okay too. I have already heard that more times than I care to. So I feel better. Not great. A long far way from great. However, it does help me when he isn't here. It also seems to help the kids. Ironically, we (the children and I) had a conversation about him last night. It was brought up by my son saying he didn't want to move back to my hometown. He didn't want to live with H but he felt this was his home. So this opened a dialogue for us all. I basically told him I have no idea what is going to happen. They all voiced that they would like us to get back together. Funny though, they also said, "but not like before. If things could be different." So we discussed that a little bit. I explained that I feel that marriage is a promise not only to your spouse but to God. For the time being I am not going to do anything. Just waiting to see. Worry about them and myself and maybe in time things would change. We also then discussed the things they would like in their father changes they would like to see in our home and their lives. We also talked about the things I would like to have in a H. They all understood that maybe H will be able to do that in the future but maybe not. It was a great relief. I had been worrying so much about them that it just compounded things so much more.
They also seem to be adopting some of the DB principles. Maybe they are just modeling/emulating.
It was really amazing. I know they still have the emotions and trauma. However, it seems as though they are in a pretty good frame of mind all things considered. So those are my minor victories for this part of the day. My school has just fallen apart. Although to be honest, it is no fault of my own. There have been some positive signs! Yay score one for the good guys. My grandparents are better and will be home by the end of the week. My cousin will be moving in as their caregiver. So all the way around it is good news. I'm hopeful. I met with a couple of former instructors last night who tend to be much more spiritual than I am. They really helped me to sift through and see what is important to me. So despite my cycling back through with the ranting, raging, and crying- I am standing. I hate this incredible cycle of emotions. Please talk me down next time. Unfortunately, there will likely be a next time. I have also started to identify physical manifestations of my anger in addition to the other issues.