The crack in my perfect life...

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"We are having a baby boy/girl" and leave it at that...maybe add a smiley at the end so he doesnt feel like Im being snippy...advice on that?

This is a *real* dilemma and others may disagree, but my inclination would be to give him space and not reach out to him. He knows you'd like to reconcile, he knows you're pregnant, if he wants to discuss the baby he can reach out to you.

Reaching out to him this way is arguably pursuing (which is to be avoided) because saying "we are having" implies that you will be bound together. Although it's nitpicking, I would probably say "The baby will be a boy/girl!" if you're going to send a text, but as painful as it is, I would probably hold back.

Neither want to go this week, but luckily there is a school function for my youngest that would have prevented them from going regardless of this recent argument. Im just nervous to let him know they wont be coming because that would mean, in his mind, that Im keeping the kids from him because IM UPSET...when really its not the case at all. I actually feel like he should be spending more time with them...so they feel more involved with him and he them.

You definitely don't want to let this go until the last minute to disappoint him. This is an area where you *should* reach out because it involves his relationship with the girls. I would say something like:

"H, I know you like to take the girls on Wednesday nights. This week, D9 has a school function that D15 should attend. Would you like to take them to the school function? If not, would you like to take them on Thursday night instead?"

Give him a choice to do the school event or switch nights. If you give him a choice, he shouldn't perceive you as being manipulative.

for some reason yesterday I just had this feeling of "whatever". I know that it wont last forever, as I have constant waves of emotions, but I felt for the first time since he left that I really dont NEED him here. I miss him and love him, but that I have to move along for myself and my girls and the feeling was nice.

That's great! That's detachment, and is very healthy for you right now.

I have seen this past few days that H is really hurting and sad. I cannot imagine that someone who is happy go lucky with a great life can lash out and act like this.

Again, great! If you can see your WAS as operating from a place of fear and sadness, you will regard them differently and generally with more compassion. You'll feel sorry for them versus victimized by them.

He also knows that he will not be a part of the delivery either. This is to protect myself, not to be a vindictive Bi*ch...

It's important to explain this when you set boundaries, otherwise he may see it as vindictive. If he knows you're protecting your own emotions he will view it differently.

I want to believe that he is with her and that is why he has not made any moves to R, but that may not be the case. He may just be done without her in the picture. Of course, my mind always races to how wonderful their time must be together and I "romanticize" their relationship in my head which makes it worse for me...so I have tried very hard to stop thinking about what he is doing.

Don't torture yourself. In my sitch, W went on a quest to "fall in love" and it took her a couple years before she found someone who fit the bill. That ended because OM decided to reconcile with his wife and went "no contact". For months after that, however, she grieved the loss of that "in love" feeling and was particularly nasty to me, so OW doesn't still need to be involved to be causing problems for H. They can be mad at you because there's no one else to be mad at about how they feel.

When they decide to pursue other relationships, they are chasing a fantasy, and that takes a strong hold. Once they begin to move beyond it, they will grieve it and that also takes time. None of it really has to do with you.

In terms of romanticizing their relationship, most folks here will tell you that your imagination will make things much worse than they actually are. We tend to fill in missing details with the worst possible interpretation of events. W told me that she was tortured the whole time she was meeting with OM, it was hard to sleep, and she knew that what she was doing was wrong, but the feelings were so strong it was easier to rationalize her behavior than to face it. It's not a comfortable or easy way to live for either party -- PARTICULARLY IF YOU DON'T PLAY THE VILLAIN ROLE! When you don't act the bad guy, it makes it harder for them to rationalize what they are doing, and they'll get mad at you about that too.

I hate that I used to be such an upbeat, happy, clappy, person and now my life has come to this. I must get back there before the holidays..if for anyone...my kids....

You will. I like the imagery of being a clappy person, that made me smile.

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