Searching, trying - still going, but how?

[needgrace]

Hi KG,

It was so open and brave of you to admit to and post your fears. I so admire your honesty and must admit to you that I have many similar fears.. really doubting myself and thinking that OW and W's life is perfect... that W leaving confirmed the bitter truth about who i am and would always be... and that everyone else would see it and want to be with them.. that I would always be alone and miss W, not be able to move on...

Those are some scary fears you expressed.. ((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))

I feel as if there is a sense in which you are so open.. to growth and want it so so much... which is beautiful and wonderful..

but that you are not seeing that what you seek is already inside you, KG... you already possess it.. it is just fear and hurt that keep you from feeling like you can access it... or recognizing it..

you have displayed such courage to parent such small children on your own.. to protect them....

and despite all the pain, you have tried to look at H with compassion and to be honest about the times you are not who you wish to be with him..

i hope you can see your courage and your intense love for your children which has kept you moving forward at times you did not want to or feel like you could...

you have been so caring and compassionate with all of us here even when your own heart was full..

you have spent almost half your life with your H.. you are experiencing an intense deep grief made much more difficult and complicated by how it was not your choice and how it continues to unfold.. please have compassion for where you are..

i know i drive everyone crazy with all the pema stuff... but i am listening to her series on smiling at fear.. and she talks about the first step being an unconditional friendliness with ourselves.. the ability to look at ourselves with compassion...

that helps us uncover our true nature. and realize the layers of fear and hurt which stop us from being our true self...

and KG, it is not EASY... i STRUGGLE mightily with it each and every day with you.. and am so awed by your honesty in saying it here.. that is courage..

and to be honest with and face those fears and then turn your focus to the things that are good for you and within you.. that is pure strength..

((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))


“WE ALREADY HAVE everything we need. There is no need for self-improvement. All these trips that we lay on ourselves—the heavy-duty fearing that we’re bad and hoping that we’re good, the identities that we so dearly cling to, the rage, the jealousy and the addictions of all kinds—never touch our basic wealth. They are like clouds that temporarily block the sun. But all the time our warmth and brilliance are right here. This is who we really are. We are one blink of an eye away from being fully awake.”
― Pema Chödrön, Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living