Chasing Ghosts

[Beardown]

My W and I married in 2004. As in most honeymoon periods, life couldn't have been sweeter. We were very happy. We were intimate, we laughed, we went out with friends and made plans for children and building a house. Our son was born in 2005 and we built in 2008. I had it all, or so I thought. I took care of all the housework, the dishes, the cleaning, caring for our son, taking care of our dog, the laundry and even some cooking. I thought this was showing my love for her, after all I am a pleaser. But trouble soon followed. She began to withdraw. We would fight over the same thing, I didn't listen to her concerns. I would here them but would soon forget. Chasing cheese tunnels! When it came to raising our S I was the good buddy not the disciplinarian. Drove my W nuts. I snore due to smoking and when I would wake her up I would get kicked out of bed. After a while I just started sleeping with my S since he was sleeping on a queen sized bed. The dog began sleeping with us as well and it became routine.My W expressed her displeasure on occasion even crying about it but she never expressed how much it really bothered her. This routine lasted for almost 2 years. Then in the summer of 2011 my W began to withdraw even more. I noticed her not wearing her wedding ring during the week and she never left her cell phone alone. She had even put a password lock on it. In August of 2011 I caught her typing in her password and the next day when she was in the shower, I grabbed the phone and entered her password. I was shocked to notice an email account she had set up under a fake name. Worse yet, she was in contact with another man that had started 2 months ago. They met on an adultery website. They even tried hooking up. They weren't able to so I took that as a sign from above that I was given a second chance to make this marriage right. I confronted her about the OM and she said it was a joke that she was enjoying messing with these predators. I began working on things that bothered her. She even said that she noticed some changes but was afraid I would go back to the same old me. I began to get more suspicious as she began buying new tighter clothes and anti-aging creames. The wedding was a thing of the past. I asked her about it and she said it was a material object that it meant nothing that it wasn't on. I found the W on several other dating sites. I tried harder on our marriages unfortunately in all the wrong ways. I pushed her deeper into this new world of excitement and flirtation with guys. Fast forward to this year and things really deteriorated. She wouldn't change in front of me, when I kissed her it was like kissing a wall, their was no affection, no love. I figured at this point their was another M. I confronted her once more with all the evidence that I had found and she denied all of it. Then on June 10 she hit with; we need a break before we hate each other. I agreed and decided that our S would stay in the house and we would take turns leaving. That way our S would have his house, his bed and his friends while we worked on things. Nothing changed. I really worked on me during the first two months. I found a book, "The Tools" that really helped me find my inner happiness. Unfortunately nothing seemed to be pulling us closer. She was enjoying the time away and not having a shadow following her around. Why I couldn't have found Divorce Remedy back then! On July 29th 2012 she dropped the bomb. My heart sank! I was mortified. I was a QB in college and never was I hit this hard! I couldn't breath. I thought we were on a break. After some soul searching I printed out the papers and began filling them out. We agreed to no lawyers 50-50 everything including custody. I gave them to the W on Monday, July 30th. I figured if this is what she wants fine I can't change her mind. August 7, 2012 she decided to change cell phone providers and I became the primary on our family plan that we were sharing. I got the news I had been wondering. Over 5,500 texts to one number from April 28th to August 7. I did some digging and found out it was indeed another M. Sadly she went and spent the night with OM the night she dropped the bomb. For some reason she wouldn't sign the papers. I didn't bring up the OM. I began chasing ghosts. I was chasing something that wasn't there! She had moved on a long time ago WAS. It wasn't until Labor Day weekend that I knew how serious their A was. I took our S to my dads for a long weekend only to get a call from a neighbor that a truck was in the driveway. The OM spent Labor Day in my house, in my bed. I was sick to my stomach. I couldn't sleep, eat, much less breath. All I could think about was what they were doing. On Monday when we got back I told her everything. I said I could no longer live in the house, I lost all respect for her as a human being sign the papers I want to move on. She didn't sign the paper. I wasn't and haven't been angry once during this sitch and I still don't know why? I know I have every right to be but someone or something is leading me through this I truly believe that. After a week I told her I wanted to work on the marriage and that I have grown so much as a person throughout the seperation if she would only give us another chance. She said she would think about it. I backed off and gave her plenty of space. Over the weeks I new she was still seeing him. We agreed that from Sunday to Sunday we would rotate having our S. On the days I had him, I knew she would be with OM. She said they were just friends and that they never had s. Saturday, September 22nd I saw first hand what they were doing. I ran to the house to grab a shirt for our S and his truck was there. I went straight in and saw her naked putting her robe on and him sitting naked on the edge of the bed. All I could say was in my house again! All she cared about was why I came over and didn't let her know. My name is still on the mortgage and title and am still paying for half of it. I told her through text I saw everything I needed to see and thanks for all the lies. She came back with I saw nothing! That next day was brutal. She tried calling and texting but I wouldn't answer. Finally I answered that night and she said she wanted to talk. She said she was so confused and that I didn't see anything. BRACE YOURSELF FOR THE BEST LIE EVER, we never had sex up to that point, yes were going to have sex. I wanted to know if I felt guilty then I knew I still had feelings for you. If I didn't feel guilty then it was time to move on. I was floored by her comments. She wanted to sign the papers and I said I wanted a second chance. Why? I can't answer that. I asked if she honestly wanted to sign the papers and she didn't have an answer just stated how confused she was. I told her to give it one week, but she had to choose between saving our marriage and continuing the affair. A week went by and she said wanted to slowly work on the marriage. She wouldn't see him anymore but would still text because she was afraid if it doesn't work out with us she would still have him. I know she can't have her cake and eat it to. She didn't want me moving back in while we begin working on our sitch. She and the OM even went and changed the locks on the house after my intrusion on the two. So the next Friday we had dinner as our first date and it seemed to go well. The next night our S wanted to show me new shoes they bought and she asked if I wanted to go out to dinner with the two of them. I thought we were making progress till I found out the OM was at the house that following Monday night. And that is how I met all of you! I went in search of answers on how I could win my W back. I read so many heartbreaking stories and realized that I'm not alone. I bought DR Sunday, October 14th and finished it Friday, October 19th. What an incredible book. I began DBing two weeks ago. The first week I received nothing but this week she called a few times and texted almost everyday. I honestly believe the 180 is working and I am aware of any baby steps she is making. I truly love my wife and want desperately for our marriage to change forever because of this. Patience is key, something I am willing to give her. I have been giving her space since June 10, I was just going about it wrong. The texting began almost 6 months ago and the PA has been going on at least 2 and a half months. I could use some reassurance that I am doing the right thing and that our marriage can be saved. I know I screwed up along the way and never should have moved out of the house but I panicked. She has proven to be a very proficient liar so when she says it's over between them I don't believe it. She wants to have her cake and eat it to. I have stepped up to the plate with my self and have become the man she has always wanted. I saved our house from foreclosure, I consolidated our credit card debt, I am aware of my troubles with communication and plan on using solution based goals to communicate better but would it be best to just let her go? Walk a way and tell I'm done. We are selling the house please sign the papers. It's seems that's the only way she will wakeup out of the fog. For everyone out there trying to save the marriage, the best of luck and be strong. I am not very religious but two weeks ago I told the lord I can't do it anymore. You need to carry me for awhile. He never gives you more than you can handle but I needed a lift. I received some baby steps so I am focused again but would love some feedback. Good luck everyone!

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board.

Have you read the DR book

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Stick to this thread until 100 posts for your story.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
Use it wisely.

[AnotherStander]

I took care of all the housework, the dishes, the cleaning, caring for our son, taking care of our dog, the laundry and even some cooking. I thought this was showing my love for her, after all I am a pleaser.

Well that's fantastic, but unfortunately you may be trying to communicate to her in the wrong love language. I ran across the same thing with my W, I assumed her LL was the same as mine and couldn't understand why she didn't respond to my attempts to show her love in that LL. Please read the 5 Love Languages, it'll open your eyes to what you've been doing wrong on this. It opened mine! I discovered my W's LL was completely different and was one I had not been feeding her love through at all!

I began working on things that bothered her. She even said that she noticed some changes but was afraid I would go back to the same old me.

You're on the right track, but DB'ing takes time. It'll take months of consistent 180's before she believes they're real and not just a trick to get her back.

I agreed and decided that our S would stay in the house and we would take turns leaving.

Do not leave. If she wants S, then tell her you understand and support her decision. But if that's what she wants then SHE needs to leave. SHE needs to suffer the consequences of leaving the home, finding a new place, moving stuff, paying new bills, etc.

After some soul searching I printed out the papers and began filling them out.

Don't do that! If she wants formal S or D, then let her fill out the papers. You can support her decision without actually helping her fill the papers out.

For some reason she wouldn't sign the papers.

She's confused and doesn't know what she wants. That's why it's important for you not to argue with her and not to help the process along. Often when a WAS faces the reality of seeing it all in black and white on paper, they back off.

The OM spent Labor Day in my house, in my bed. I was sick to my stomach. I couldn't sleep, eat, much less breath.

This is one of the reasons you don't want to leave the house. It's also a boundary you should have established with her- no OM in your house.

The texting began almost 6 months ago and the PA has been going on at least 2 and a half months. I could use some reassurance that I am doing the right thing and that our marriage can be saved.

Yes, it can absolutely be saved. MANY marriages have survived infidelity. There are no guarantees, but follow DB principals and even if the M isn't saved you'll emerge better, stronger and more confident. Most affairs last less than 6 months. Initially there's a dopamine release that gives people those "puppy love" feelings, but it goes away in a matter of weeks or months and that's when the reality of what they're doing hits home. Often they realize the new sitch is no better than the old one, or may even be worse. That's usually when the A ends. Plus the whole excitement thing of having an affair wears off too.

In the meantime, you need to take stock of what happened in your M and your contributions to the problems, and you need to do 180's on those things. You need to show your W a stronger, more confident you. Think about what you were like when she met you and try to be more like that guy. You mentioned being a QB, I bet you were heavy on the alpha. But then you mentioned you now do all the household stuff, that's all beta. Beta makes women feel comfy, but it doesn't attract them to men like alpha does. Get in touch with your alpha side again. Check out the Married Man's Sex Life Primer for some great info on alpha versus beta behavior.

I know I screwed up along the way and never should have moved out of the house but I panicked.

If you can figure out a way to get back in then do so.

but would it be best to just let her go?

No, it would not be better. Divorce does not fix anything (unless there's physical violence involved). Kids suffer significant harm in D and it's usually something they carry throughout life. D very rarely makes either spouse happier and often makes them far less happy. No one wins in D. Sometimes no matter how hard you fight it still ends up there, but at least if you fight you can rest assured you did what you could.

It's seems that's the only way she will wakeup out of the fog.

No, that won't do it. Only time and space will bring her out of the fog.

[Beardown]

Cadet,
Thank you for reading my sitch. I read DR last week and it was very enlightening. I began detaching a few weeks ago after reading so many posts here. I don't call, or text. After a week of no contact she has begun calling and texting a few nights a week but recently the phone calls have been about random things not just business with our S. I have been patient in this process but it's extremely hard some times.

[Beardown]

AnotherStander,
Thank you for taking the time to examine my sitch and the advice about the Love Languages Book. I will have to purchase it this weekend.

I wish I never would have moved out. I'm the one out of the house, paying my own bills, suffering the loss of my house while she has the house to her self, the OM, and me as a security net. I'm not sure how to get back in the house without causing a major confrontation. She changed the locks on me so I can't get in if I tried. I know fear plays a part in my reluctance and it shouldn't be. A friend of mine told me if the W truly wanted the D she would have signed months ago.

Should I set my boundaries with her right now and say I am moving back in? I will need to build up the strength for that one.

I love the alpha line. The W always took care of the bills and as soon as I left credit cards and mortgage stopped getting paid. I contacted all creditors and am back on track, I even refinanced our home to lower payments. I have never stepped up like this and realized I need become the alpha in our marriage.

Thanks again for your time and wisdom. I was hoping to hear that I needed to keep plugging. Like so many here, I want our NEW marriage to work more than anything in this world.

[Beardown]

AnotherStander

Going back to the LL's, I just remembered a conversation my W and I had about showing love. I said that to show love you must use action. She felt showing love was through emotion and conversation. I really can't wait to find this book so I can decipher her way of thinking. Thanks again.

[Beardown]

Week 1 Detach 180
No contact whatsoever with spouse. The only contact we had was dropping my S off at the house Sunday. Sidenote, we split time with our S from Sunday to Sunday. I have S every Tuesday and W has S every Thursday. It breaks up the weeks we don't have him making it more bearable.

[Beardown]

Week 2 Detach 180
I still don't call or text only to call my S. W actually called and wanted to talk to me about S and bills Monday. Tuesday W called on her way home but had a different tone. I'm sure she was bored driving but we talked about random stuff. Thursday W called and asked if I could pick something up for her. I kept it short and she would follow me everywhere I went in the house. I cut the conversation short and left. I am beginning to think the detachment is working.

[Beardown]

Week 3 Detach 180
W called Sunday to ask if I could watch S for a few hours. I would never turn down the chance to see him as he has been my life see he was born. However her reasoning didn't check out. Another lie. Believe nothing what they say, believe little what they do! That's a fact. Rather than get angry I have decided to detach more. Last night the W texted that she was going somewhere with her dad and didn't even respond. However I had my S call her she wanted to talk with me. Again it was more chit-chat than bills so I told her I was going to get back to the football game. It hurts to do this but I know for myself I need to distance myself from the lies.

[Beardown]

Journal Entry
Reading my post you may say what are you doing about yourself? Since June I have really stepped back and began finding myself. I was never comfortable leaving our S or the house. I always thought I needed to be home working on something or being there for our S. I lost who I was. This opportunity has brought me back to who I really am. I have become stronger and am not as afraid of confrontation and that it's important to confront my feelings. I went down the list of things I felt pushed our M away and a list of what W was not happy about. A lot of the problems can be fixed with solution-oriented goals. We weren't communicating well with each other. I just hope she will see the changes and want to make things work. I can't push her to do it. She needs to be the one to end the A and ask to work on our marriage.