Riding the Bull

[Arsene]

Thanks 25. Your words helped a lot. I feel a bit better now.

I still spent most of the day locked up trying not to scare D8 too much. She ended up playing ith the maid all day but she knew something was up though but she's strong and she did everything she could to cheer me up and it did cheer me up in the end.

In an effort to do something positive and take my mind off things, I told her that we had to turn this dreadful house into a home (the place is still mostly empty, with boxes piled up in the corner of the dinning room as we haven't been able to buy much furniture yet)and we started working on a plan.

D8 said that the first thing we needed to make a house a home was love and happiness, then she suggested having music everyday. That's my girl. Now we got a plan to get some pictures up on the walls. We were looking online to download hi-res pics to get printed so I've got a folder full of Beatles pics and Jessie the cowgirl from Toy Story. That's my girl alright. She even refused one of the Beatles pics because "Ringo is blurry in the background".

Then she said she wanted a family pic so she started going through our holiday pics and I had to leave the room. So much of this sitch doesn't make sense to me right now.

D8 then suggested we play a game "to make me smile again" so I listened to incredibly long rules to a game that didn't seem to have much of a point to it and we played it and had a good laugh, even if(and especially because)the rules kept changing all the time.

When I put her to bed, and we said our prayers (which I taught her were not a request but a thank you to God), after thanking God for mommy, she paused and then said:"Sometimes I don't recognize her. I don't know who she is. It's like she's a stranger who comes to the house to ask for food. Why is she doing this?"

I told her that I didn't know exactly but that it really didn't have anything to do with her. I told her that her mom still loved her very much and always would. She gave me the biggest hug ever and made me promise to be happy tomorrow. I told her I was happy now. That she was the best, strongest little girl in the world.

I wish my W could hear this. But then again, would she even care? I don't know. I feel like I let my girl down today by not being the rock I need to be for her. I need to wake up from this and get a hold of myself.

BTW 25, I'm not on A/Ds yet and when I asked my doctor about Wellbutrin (and its other names), he says that they aren't allowed in this country. I don't know if that is for all A/Ds or just this particular kind. I'm seeing him tomorrow so I'll see what he recommends.

Thanks again for your kind words. I feel better now.